- 2 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
Im just wanted to write this post….bc when I was ttc and I was struggling….reading other bees stories really helped me. So not sure if anyone will read this or find this helpful…..but if you do read I hope this helps you a little! Also it is therapetic for me to reflect and write about my experince. Sorry this is so long!!!!
DH and I got married at the end of 2013. In mid 2014 we decided that I was going off bcp and starting ttc. Well a month after going off bcp…the untinkable happend. DH got diagnosed with cancer. You can read my past threads if you would like to know more about that. But basically he needed to go on chemo right away and have a stem cell transplant which would make naturally ttc most likely impossible as it would likely make him permatnly sterile or make his sperm count extremly low. We sperm banked….put aside ttc obviously and went through some of the toughest months of our lives. But that is different longer story! Good news in Early 2015 dh was told he was in complete remission!!! He still has to get checked often as the cancer could return at any time but we were thrilled and I am happy to report that he is still in complete remission to this day!!! The recovery from his stem cell transplant was tough so we decided to ttc in the fall of 2015 to give dh time to recover. I still ached for a baby so we actually got a puppy in early 2015. It was a great decision for me and DH. She helped heal us both I think!
I did met with a fertiltiy specialist and she suggestd IUI bc we had banked sperm that was good quality and they did tests on me and found I had no issues and was young. I ended up finding a new job in the fall so we decided to wait until early 2016 to try the IUI so I could get used to my job.
So In Feb of 2016 I did my first round of unmedicated IUI. I was so hopeful as like I said we basically had nothing wrong with us….women get pregnant all the time on IUI who do have fertility issues….so I felt pretty confident we would get pregnant quickly…even if it took a few cycles. (The doc told me it was only 25% but to me I heard like 95% lol) I was so naive . Well….long story short….my ovulation stick never turned positive…so I went in for blood work and they confirmed I would likely ovulate the next day and I would come in for my iui then. The next day blood work showed I was good to go but the test never turned postiive and the doc suspected I just had short time span where it could be detected. She used other words but for the life of me I cant remember now! Anyways I did the IUI….minor cramping but no big deal. I then started a long 2 week wait. I peed on a stick often….i googled all the time….negative each time so when I did my blood test it was no surprise it was negative. I wont lie….I was upset but I knew it was common not to get pregnant fist cycle.
SO we went on to cylce #2 in march. Stupid ovulation test never turned postive….I went in for blood work and they confirmed I was ovulating and we did the iui immediaty! Basically the samething as the time before…peeing on lots of sticks….googling…feeling anxious. I did let my family know what we were doing and they were very supportive. Needless to say it didnt work. To make matters worse the day I found out it didnt work we had dinner plans with my very pregnant friend who was being induced a few days later. I didnt feel up for going even though I was happy for her… but dh made me feel guilty so I went.. Not going to lie I was miserable and I am sure my friend could tell something was up but she never said. After we saw her I cried for hours….I was starting to fear maybe this wouldnt work and there was some reason I couldnt get pregnant. NOw I know this was stupid as it was only cycle #2 but I thought since we timed it out perfectly and had no fertility issues I would be pregnant already!
I talked to the doc about how my ovulation tests didnt work well for me and we decided for cycle # 3 I would go on clomid and ovidrel to control the ovulation making absolultely sure we timed it correctly as I worried maybe we were not timing it great as the tests didnt work well for me! SO I did the clomid and had no side effects accept maybe minor hot flashes….we had to do the ovidrel shot which I had dh help me with and it was no big deal! When I went in for my iui I actually could feel myself ovulating on one side and I just felt so confident it would work! I even hosted a friends baby shower during my 2 week wait. It took her 7 years to conceieve so I was generally over the moon for this friend but it was hard when people at the shower asked when I would be starting a family and I wanted to scream….well I am trying now and you asking isnt helping!! So I decided not to pee on any sticks this 2 week wait as I couldnt stand to look at another negative test. I told the nurses to leave me a vm and me and dh would listen to it one we got off work as i didnt want to be disapointed and cry at work if it was another bust. So me and dh anxiously listened to the vm and the nurse said my hcg levels were 5 so I was pregnant but they would expect them to be much higher and told me it was most likely a chemical pregnancy. SO I had no clue what that was at the time…..the clinic was closed….so I sat up all night googling…crying…called my mom……I was very upset needless to say. They checked my hcg levels again and it was a 10 but it wasnt doubling correctly so they told me I would miscarry. I do rememeber telling them I had lower back pain but they seemed to brush it off….saying that sounded more like an ectopic but my levels were so low they didnt think it was ectoptic. They told me to come back in a week to make sure my levels went down to 0. In that week I got my period cried…but decided well at least I did get pregnant…..chemicals were common from what I read and told myself it would work next time…
So I went in for my blood work expecting my levels to be 0 but they were now 25. The nurse called me and told me they strongly suspected I had an ectopic pregancy and I needed to come in for an us the next day. I came alone as I stupdily thought no way….I had my period!! I didnt have an ectopic. Well they obviously couldnt see anything on the us bc my levels were low…they told me they dont know how I could have bleed as my body was pregnant but thought bc my levels were so low my body shed the lining. Long story short they felt pretty sure it was ectopic due to the low rising hormones. They told me it could just be an impending miscarrage but at this time I was almost 6 weeks pregnant with hcg of 25 so now way it could be a normal pregnancy and they would treat for an ectopic because they couldnt risk my tubes rupturing before the embryo got big enough to see on the us. They sent me to the cancer unit to get methotrexate shot. Chemo is what they told me it was. At this point I am crying a lot!!….chemo is the reason we are having to do ferility treatments and now I am getting it? Being in the cancer center was tough but I never called my dh bc I didnt want him to have to go there with me after all he went through. That was dumb.. I should have had him come because I needed support but I did it alone. The was beyond devistated…even though I never got to be excited about my pregnancy It still felt like a major loss. The shot made me so exhausted. I was so emotional and it seemed even though dh was sad…he defiantly didnt seem to feel the grief like I did. I didnt want to go to work the next day but dh and my mom told me to go so I could get my mind off it. Well of course…at one of our meetings my coworker announced his wife was expecting and due on our anniverary !! It took all the strength I had to say congratulations make it through that meeting only to go to my desk and cry. I mean I was happy for him sure…but as I just took medicine to end my ectopic pregnancy so the timing was awful to hear. My boss did know about my loss as she knew I was doing fertiity treatments. She later told me she cried at her desk for me but thought I handled it gracefully. I wont lie….it was a rough few weeks and the doctor told me we needed to wait a cycle in between before trying again. Well my sister was getting marrined earlier that next year and I didnt want to be due around the time of her wedding so me and dh decided to wait a few months…take time to heal. I didnt want to but my sister lives out of town and I didnt want to chance missing her wedding. I did feel slightly resentful we had to wait but today I am so grafetul I got to be there for my sisters big day! We instead focused on taking a trip and that helped so much!!
In September of 2016 we did cycle #4, the same protocol as cycle #3. I again did not test early…I had the nurse call dh to tell him the results as I didnt want to be at work to hear them. I felt pretty sure it would work. Well it didnt. At this point I told the doc….look we are running out of sperm….although dh did have enough sperm to do ivf with icsi i wanted to use his pre banked sperm for ivf if we had to go that route. We decided to try one more iui.
IUI Cycle #5 same protocl as before…..I didnt test early…I took the day off work the day we found out if it wokred out not…had the nurse call me. It didnt take. I was beyond upset and realized we woud have to go to ivf. My doctor told me she didnt think there was anything wrong with us….just iui isnt much better then trying naturally so it could take more cycles then we had sperm.
I seriously felt like my whole life was consumed by these damn fertility treatments already and ivf would be so much worse. You dont mean it to take up your life…but there is so much involved it is like taking on a second job…only you feel alone and dont want to talk about it because you feel ashamed and I worried there was some thing wrong with me!!!
I decided at this point to focus on my sisters upcoming wedding….we got a second puppy…and to put ivf off until summer of 2017 although I hated to push it back that long. So Summer of 2017 we did ivf fresh transfer….we got 3 embryos. We didnt do the genetic testing as we are young and other wise healthy. It wasnt as bad as I thought…I handled the shots well and the retrival thankfully. I told my family…a few close friends..my boss and a coworker and had so much support!! That was the smartest thing I did !! I wasnt going to test early but it was a saturday and I was getting my blood work on monday and I begin to spot. I thought for sure it was my period but my sister told me a lot of her friends had spotting when they found out they were pregnant and encouraged me to take a pregnancy test. SO I took the test with dh and held my breath…..and it was postiive!! I burst into tears I was so happy. We told our parents and my sister. On monday they confirmed it was positive and my hcg levels looked great as did the follow up appt! Around 5 and half weeks we did an us to make sure it wasnt ectopic again and it wasnt! I was starting to feel super confident and even told my grandparents and best friend AT 6 and a half weeks we went in for an us and they told me the babies heartbeat was low. The doctor said it could just be a little early or it could be a sign of a miscarrage and we had to wait a week to come back and check! That was one of the longest weeks of my life! We came back and did an us and they told us there was no heart beat. My hcg levels were in the 9000s so they told me I had a missed miscarrage, basically my body didnt recognize that I lost the baby and if I didnt miscarry on my own they recommended misoprostal to help me miscarry. I ended up going that route after a week because I just wanted it over. They had me come back to test each week to make sure my levels went down to 0. I had the miscarraige in early september and my levels didnt drop to 0 until around thanksgivig! Those months were some dark times for me…..When dh got sick it was tough but I kept saying we will get through it….but at this point I felt deflated and beaten down and thought….maybe this wont work out for us?????!!!! The pain of this loss took me by surprise….it felt the same as if someone I knew had died and it seemed no one really understood that since it was an early loss…but for me I grived so hard for that baby and still to this day am sad about it. I did share this loss with people. Friends, coworkeers, family. I was amzed at the support I got and had many people tell me it happened to them to but they sufferend in silence as so many women do. I found out my cousin and dh cousin did ivf as well and had losses and they gave me so much support!! It did help through those rough times.
So fastforward to feb 2018, 2 years since we started fertility treaments and almost 4 years since we originally wanted to ttc we did a fet cycle. I was not excited, not optimisitc, I pretty much just told God I will just deal with whatever his plan is…if I am not meant to be a mom I will just have to deal. I mean I wanted to me a mom and cancer got in the way, infertility, losses….not even common losses ectopic and missed miscarrage which are more rare! I started to fear I wasnt meant to be a mom and thats why all these obstacles were put in my way! I was anxious, probably depressed…fet cycle was way easier then the fresh. During the wait I just lived my life….went out with friends… did acupuncure…meditated….just tried to keep myself happy and relaxed. Then on March 23…..they called me and told me I was pregnant!!! I had a great feeling!!!! The last pregnancy I honestly had a lot of worry but I felt pretty relaxed once I found out I was pregnant this time!! I was sick to my stomach when we went in for my 6 week us but all was well!! At 8 weeks I had bleeding….I thought it was over…but my mom and dh told me to have hope. I went in for my us and the baby was fine and the doctor thought it was due to my vaginal suppositires I had to take for ivf that was irritateding my cervix. So I sighed with relief and was so grateful to make it to the second trimester. Honestly when pregnancy got tough and I was dealing with side effects I just reminded myself how hard it was when I was trying and it helped me to be strong and remain happy during pregnancy for the most part.
Fast forward to Noevmber 2018 and we finally have our little girl!!!All the waiitng….the pain….the treatments all worth it when I look at her face!!! I dont know why it took so long and we had to go through all we did but I do feel she came at the perfect time for her! I know other women have gone through so much worse then me but I wanted to share my expereince because maybe if you are ttc and going through a loss…you will know you are not alone in your struggles and things can work out! Also even if you are not going thorugh fertility treatments and it is taking a while….that can be so normal!! Look at me….we had no issues, we had help and it still took time!!
I learned so much along the way during this ttc journey…that asking people if they want kids is not ok!! What if they are trying and unsuccsseful or had a loss? That being patient is worth it…..that having support means everything…and that finding things you enjoy during the tough times will help you through.
Even now when I get no sleep for days with a one month old…I just remember all I went through to have her and I realize I dont care if I am tired…..I am beyond thankful to have her!!! We still have on embryo left and we will use it someday. I pray it works…..because I would love to provide my daughter a sibling but if it doesnt I will just be gratful I have her.
For all you ladies who are ttc and it is taking a while, you had a loss, or going through fertility treatments. Just know there are so many women going thorugh the same thing! I actually found a great friend from the bee who was going through ivf the same time as me. We have mesaged and supported each other for over a year and we both have our babies. It was beyond wonderful to talk to someone who is going throug the same thing! Also now that we have babies it is nice to talk to another mom with a newborn! Also I was on the pregnancy after a misacarrage board and that helped a lot too!
If anyone wants to reach out feel free to pm me. I know how important support is. I dont know if anyone will read all of this….but if you are reading this and ttc I wish you the very best of luck and trust me…I get what you are going through.
If you got all the way through this thanks for reading!!!