- 3 years ago
Guys, I really need your advice. I’m a regular bee (who almost never posts anything) going anonymous.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years. Currently waiting for a proposal (our timeline is this year and according to him he’ll propose soon).I’m 28, he’s 32. Our relationship is amazing most of the time and we live together, but since last night I have doubts.
So I’ve always had anxiety. For many years, I did not know this is anxiety, because I just never read about it and never went to therapy. I just thought I was crazy, or sad, or traumatized. Don’t get me wrong, for most part I’m a really normal, nice, outgoing girl. Most of my friends don’t even know I have pretty bad anxiety, just the close ones and my mom know. I had a weird childhood. My mom was the best mom, and the worst mom. She was pretty much borderline. I was hit hard, I was being told I’m not worth anything and that she(mom) wishes I was never born, but I was also taken on great holidays, and had a mom who didn’t just hit me, but also wrote me sweet letters when I was at summer camp. When I was a teenager, I cut myself with knifes and razor blades. I’m still not sure if you can call that depression because I never went to therapy, but I got over it (I haven’t cut myself since I was 17).
I had an abusive boyfriend in my early twenties who hit me and was a drug addict, but everybody had bad experiences, right? I got over it, and I felt that I was strong, I even moved to two new countries and met so many people, I met so many new friends etc. I met my Boyfriend or Best Friend over 4 years ago, and as I said, for most part our relationship has been amazing. I had times where I felt extremly anxious without knowing what it is. I had times where I cried my eyes out over a fight we had.
Over a year ago, we broke up for a couple of months. It wasn’t my fault or his, we were still madly in love, but we had fights about our future (that are resolved now, seriously). While we were broken up, I went to therapy. I’ve been feeling for years that I should go because I never really got what’s wrong with me, I just knew something is. I actually started going after I had a HUGE panic attack. It was so bad I had my friend come and take me to the ER because I thought I’m having a heart attack. I literally thought I was dying. It was back then when they told me it was a panic attack and that I should seek therapy (additionally to a Xanax prescription). I did. I learned a lot. I finally figured out I have anxiety. You know, now that I know everything makes sense. All those times that I felt anxious, without knowing what’s wrong. Having my heart beat like crazy and not being able to breathe. Worrying about things. Sitting in the bus scared that I’ll throw up and embarrass myself. Scared of losing control of myself and doing something crazy. Scared of dying at a young age. Hypochondria. My therapist taught me ways to handle it, and I since have. I’be still had anxiety and panic attacks, but I feel better knowing what’s going on. I did think sometimes that I have depression too, because I have moments where I could cry my eyes out for hours, but then the next day I feel embarrassed and think I overreacted. Or times where my self esteem is really low and I actually think I probably never should have been born. This doesn’t happen often though, and my therapist didn’t say I have depression.
Anyways, my Boyfriend or Best Friend didn’t know anything about this. We’ve been back together for six months, but for some reason I never dared telling him. I felt like a failure, even though I trust him a lot. He knows what went on in my childhood, but since I didn’t even know myself that I had anxiety, he didn’t know either (and apparently he doesn’t know anyone with the same issue). Last night, I finally decided to tell him over some drinks. Actually, it came up naturally because we were talking about depression. He joked that I probably have depression without mentioning even why. I told him that depression is a serious disease, and he laughed it off. I then googled a definition of depression on my phone and showed it to him, and he seemed surprised and agreed and said ok, I guess you’re right and don’t have it. I told him then that I have anxiety. I tried to describe it a bit, and I finally opened up about going to therapy last year (even though I was embarrassed telling him!). His facial expression changed. He has this half smile, like if he thought I’m joking, or talking bullshit. Turns out, that’s exactly what he thought. After I opened up to him, he asked me ‘What are you even scared about’ and I repeated that it’s not easy to understand for someone who’s never had it, and that it’s not a rational thing. He then just said that it’s all in my head and that it’s just a thing I’m making up, that it’s just a lie and that I’m just faking it. He even brought up my fear of spiders, said that that is also completely stupid and the same as my anxiety, just completely made up. He didn’t even mention my therapy in one word.
At some point, tears were running down my face. Since we’ve been back together (six months) I’ve only cried once in front of him, so it’s not like I’m w waterwork, but he clearly seemed uncomfortable. I just cried because I ran out of ways to describe my anxiety to him, and I was so frustrated that he didn’t even try to understand it, or even seemed to care about me going to therapy at all. He just made it seem like a huge ridiculous thing that I’m making up in my head. So I cried, and he just said ‘Alright so let’s stop talking about it’. We both went to sleep, me still crying, he fell asleep after five minutes. The next morning both of us went to work and we haven’t talked since.
I’m sorry this is long but what should I think of his reaction? This hurts so much and I just cannot believe that he reacted like that. I get that apparently he doesn’t know anyone with the same problem, but he didn’t even try to listen or understand me. For him this is just a huge joke, made up in my head. When I told my best friend on the other hand, she was so nice, hugged me and said how great it is that I told her and that I tried to get better by getting therapy. And how bad she feels that I have those panoc attacks sometimes and that I can call her whenever I need help or need to talk to someone. I feel so sad and I don’t know what to do. He’s always been a great boyfriend, but now I just feel lost, and doubtful.
I’d love to hear your opinions and advice. Thanks.