(Closed) Finance has feelings for someone else

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
9406 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

🙁 *hugs* I wish I had advice, but it sounds like its a tough situation all around.  I hope you and him can really communicate on this one and either come away stronger together or part ways cleanly.

 

Post # 3
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee

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dunkarooooo :  I think he has told you all you need to know. He does have feelings for his co worker & she feels the same way. The problem here is he spoke to her and developed feelings for her, but he said he was unhappy already for 1.5 years prior. Which means, he openly spoke to her knowing he was already unhappy in his relationship. I think it’s time you walk away, if he has doubts you don’t want to be with someone like that. He’s confused and he said he stayed with you because he felt bad/guilty. You want someone to be with you because they love you and only you. Sending well wishes you’re way!

Post # 4
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry bee. It sounds like although he’s trying to not be harsh, he’s telling you that he doesn’t want a relationship anymore. 

University isn’t for everyone, and that doesn’t make you a failure. Do you have family you can lean on at this time?

Post # 5
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I also have an illness that prevented me from finishing my degree(it was in nursing) and I have all the debt I still have to pay off as I was almost done. So I understand how you are feeling on that end. It’s a horrible feeling! 

As far as your SO, it sounds like the relationship is already over as painful as that is to say. Neither of you are making each other happy and the best thing to do is move on so that you can find someone who loves you for you and doesn’t stray when you are going through a rough time. I’m sorry things have been so crappy for you lately, but holding on to a relationship that is falling apart with only increase your unhappiness.

Post # 6
Member
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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dunkarooooo :  People like your SO DISGUST me. He needs to grow the eff up. It’s not illegal or immoral that you once loved someone and now you don’t anymore.  So own up to it and go.  Why does he still feel the need to BLAME YOU for his change of heart? 

It’s not because of your depression and whatnot, bee.  He changed his mind, as people will do sometimes, that is all.  He’s not a freaking special snowflake trapped in some heartbreakingly unique and unprecedented dilemma.  He just can’t own up to his own actions and trying to push his issues onto you.  Coward.  

Please find someone else who, while he certainly doesn’t need to be responsible for solving your problems, but who will at least not HINDER YOU like this guy does while you work on yours. 

Post # 7
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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dunkarooooo :  I can relate to how you feel in regard to being empty inside and scared of failure.

First off, are you seeing a therapist/counselor to work through some of your anxiety and depression? That’s definitely a priority!

Second, life can be scary at times, but it isn’t too late to make changes to better yourself and your life. Start taking up things that interest you. Once you start getting out and doing things you enjoy, you’ll get to meet new people and make friends.

Third, What about college isn’t working for you? Is it the field of study you chose or something else? College isn’t for everyone, but it definitely does help in the job seeking process.

You still have so much ahead of you so don’t feel like everything is wasted. I’m sure you have plenty of skills. You just need to identify your interests and start enhancing your skills to match those interests.

In regard to your relationship, I really think that you and your fiance need to put the engagement on hold. It’s apparent he has feelings for someone else and you need to work on yourself before you can commit to another person. 

Here’s what I think you should do:

1.) Seek individual counseling/therapy 

2.) Sign up for activities that interest you so you can get out more and meet new people

3.) Break off the engagement because it’s unfair to both you and your fiance to stay together with the current circumstances

4.) Make a list of goals/aspirations you have for yourself in regard to career, health, love, family, and friends.

          *Identify ways you can achieve those goals

          *Make a plan to achieve those goals

          *Take action 

I truly wish you the best and know that you can get out of this depression! It’s not easy to do, but by talking to someone and doing things to better yourself, you will no doubt be happier and not dwell in a dark state of mind.

 

 

Post # 8
Member
3441 posts
Sugar bee

Super gross of him to blame it on you before admitting he has feelings for someone else. I’m sorry this is happening. 

Post # 9
Member
6338 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

I would end the relationship, stop uni, and focus on your health for as long as it is necessary.  You have to be happy with yourself and your choices before you can deal with all that a relationship entails.  Take care of yourself first.

Post # 10
Member
1806 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with PPs who pointed out the blame shifting your SO has done. HE has been unhappy in the relationship but instead of owning up to that prior to moving on, he kept you on the back burner JUST IN CASE. Not ok.

No one is perfect, bee, and yes, many people have depression and other types of baggage. You need a person who is willing to stay with you and help you unpack those bags–not someone whose feelings waiver at the first signs of difficulty. That’s an idealist mindset and he’ll be forever unhappy if he thinks that serious relationships are supposed to be happy and smooth all the time.

Post # 11
Member
5783 posts
Bee Keeper

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camenae :  +1000, very well said.

Your Fiance didn’t own up to this, not because he ‘didn’t want to hurt you’ or because he felt guilty or because of your ‘mental state’, but because- as camenae said- he’s a coward. If he didn’t want to hurt you, the sneaky two-timing lowlife wouldn’t be confessing his feelings to someone else & texting her when he’s still in a relationship with you. He was too spineless to deal with the situation head-on so he procrastinated, but it was to benefit his own selfish self, not you. In no way was he being kind or fair to you. 

Please do not consider staying with him- being with someone you can’t trust, someone who tries to blame you for his own failure to communicate and uses your mental health issues as a way to do this (that is so low!) and makes you uncertain and insecure with his waffling feelings…..being with someone like this will only make your anxiety and depression worse. 

I would recommend seeking counselling- both for your anxiety and depression and also career counselling. Don’t force yourself into university if it’s simply not for you, there are countless careers out there and countless paths to success. By trying to be a square peg forcibly fitting into a round hole in seeing university as a ‘must do’, you’re not allowing your true talents and dreams to flourish. Think about what you want to do as a career and then take steps, even if it has to be baby steps at first, to get there. 

Post # 12
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

I’m bothered by the fact that he’s been unhappy for 1.5 years but chose to not only NOT speak to you about it, but confess to a colleague that he has feelings for her without sharing his fears/doubts/feelings with YOU, his supposed life partner. 

It took me a long time to learn that a partner who doesn’t share their issues in the relationship and only bottles them up until something exactly like this happens, is not really someone you can always easily build a life with. Part of being in a relationship is discussing the tough stuff, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.

All the blame shifting just furthers this. I’ve been in that situation too and it’s so unfair of him. He knew what was truly bothering him yet he chose to give all these different “fake” reasons as to what was wrong to avoid having to come clean.

I don’t think you can make a life with someone like this. But if you are going to try to work it out (provided he’s on that same page) he needs to learn how to communicate like a grown up. And I would also suggest counseling. But my honest opinion is that you don’t deserve this.

Post # 13
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I like PP’s comments.  But I guess, I want to add, he has finally told you.  That had to be really hard for him, too, and it’s so much better than you finding out he has been cheating and trying to hide it and you stumbled across it (I know it still hurts like hell and I’m so sorry!)

He does sound confused and scared, too.  But, he’s already been emotionally unfaithful and at this point, I think you need a fresh start, my poor Bee.  We all have tough times and you definitely deseve someone who will be there for you no matter what and who is willing to set boundaries for himself so he doesn’t develop “feelings” for a coworker.  

I’m so sorry.  Take care of yourself first – you will be okay!

Post # 14
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

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deedee2016 :  who is willing to set boundaries for himself so he doesn’t develop “feelings” for a coworker.

THIS. I’ve gone through it myself where SO develops feelings for someone else. While you can be attracted to others, I think crossing the line happens when you do not set those boundaires. If you’re constantly texting someone you find attractive and finding reasons to talk to them/hang out with them, of course you will develop feelings. 

Post # 15
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Im sorry bee 🙁 This sucks, but at least you know the truth. This should be a dealbreaker for you. I would move on…be strong and refuse to allow this. Thank him for being honest, and for the past 4 years, and tell him that its time to end this. Dont wait on what he “wants”  – do this for you.

I agree with southerngal2016 , get into therapy, and also seek out a career counselor to help you plan your future. This can be a brand new start for you! It’s scary but you can do this. Consider this the start of your new life.. it wont be easy but you can work toward a great future!

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