(Closed) Fiance Keeps Changing his Mind

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m so sorry that all sounds so sucky!  I say that if you are paying for your own wedding you’re the only one that should really get to decide what you want to do. My parents are paying so I kind of have to go along the route they want to take you know? But if its all on you then go for it! Sit down with your Fiance and explain to him what you think of when you think of marrying him and how truly important things are to you. He should eventually understand that this is what really matters to you.  And being compared to the sister, oh man, I hate that!

Again, I’m so sorry but definitely take a stand for what you want girl!

Post # 4
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

You’re paying for it yourselves so do what YOU guys want. Is your Fiance trying to subtly drop a hint that the beach resort is not what he wants? Maybe he is just trying to throw the idea out there. Just because she suggests you have a cheaper wedding doesn’t mean she’s forcing it on you. What is she asking of you? You say "compromise" but all I see that she’s suggested is a cheaper wedding. 

Since he is deployed I am guessing he is military? Is he enlisted or an officer? There should be relocation costs available. Spousal assistance, etc. And if he’s enlisted you guys can live on base! If he’s an officer, he gets a housing allowance PLUS a spousal alowance. For my Fiance, it’s like $700/month for an apartment and an extra $500/month for "supporting" me.

 Don’t jump on the "Friend-vendor" bandwagon too much. Sometimes it’s hard to get exactly what you want when you’re getting the service at a good price. If you do the beach resort, do you have to use their caterers, etc? Would his family even want you asking them to work your wedding?

He’s probably not comparing you to his sister. He’s probably trying to give you an idea of costs and what they did. I know we asked my FI’s sister about weddings/costs/what to do when we talked about getting married b/c we were relatively clueless and that’s probably the closest he’s been to "planning" a wedding. I bet he’s trying to be helpful, as clueless as he is about his tactics.  

Post # 5
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Yikes, sticky situation.  Sounds to me like his mom is trying to call the shots.  Try to think with a clear head; she’s likely only trying to help and think of practicality.  Perhaps she doesnt realize that the overlook is your absolute dream.  I’d call her/the sister, explain that you truly appreciate any help they can give, and explain to them that you are having it at Myrtle Beach.  If they can provide their friendors for that area, GREAT!  Your $5,000 budget is DEFINITELY not out of line.  Perhaps they’ll view it as a compromise – you are using their friends/family, but you still get your locatoin.  Caterers can make food at alternate locations – the florist can transport flowers anywhere…its an ideal compromise.  I had to tell my Future Mother-In-Law that she already had her chance to help plan her daughters wedding, this one was between he and I.  I explained that while I appreciated her input, some things were simply going to be done as I saw them fit.  She eventually saw my point and  proceeded to help me with her suggestions in MY way.

 Also – its not just YOUR day – its both of your day.  Your Fiance should be backing you a bit more on this

 

And lastly, like JayDee (weird your names are so similar!) said above – if you are paying for the wedding, YOU GET TO DICTATE THE LOCATION.  Do NOT change the location because someone else thinks you should.  You’ll regret it

Let us know how it goes!  xoxo

Post # 7
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Yeah, he sounds like he’s wanting to spend as little as possible. And in his eye, he has these connections right up the wedding alley.  On the other hand, you’re so right about it being out of line to ask your family to cook the PR food.  Yikes!  And I see how it can feel a bit uncomfortable going to these folks for help, when Fiance isn’t around, and you don’t really know them. 

If you don’t talk to them or include them for assistance at all, are they likely to feel you are standoffish?  I know you are concerend about your likes and dislikes.  But it sounds like they are wanting to help and might feel snubbed if you don’t even attempt it. 

Why don’t you sit down and explain while you really always wanted the location, and it’s important to have your cultural food, you’d be grateful (honored, delighted) to work with someone on flowers, cake or other connection, you think could be done reasonably to your liking.  It probably will save you money.  With a $5000 budget, you might find it come in handy.

Post # 8
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Wow, umm…I totally think you’re overreacting here. Sorry, but he’s not saying that you shouldn’t have it at the resort. He’s suggesting that you ask his family for help with florals, the cake, maybe the catering, etc. That could save you BIG BUCKS. True, a $5000 wedding is considered to be a very budget-friendly one, but it’s still $5000. If you can cut down on that by getting huge discounts on stuff like photography, florals, and food, you could lower that A LOT, and use the leftover money for moving/buying a house.

On the other hand, maybe I’m missing something here? Does the resort not allow you to have an outside florist/caterer/photographer, and is that why you’re concerned that you’d have to have it in a hall otherwise?

There’s also the possibility that the beach has a public park/campground/picnic site that you can rent for less money. That way, you can have your fiance’s family chip in, AND have a dreamy outdoor wedding on Myrtle Beach. =) 

Post # 10
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

a fight?

maybe not so much a fight, but explaining that you giving him the rest of your life. his family can decide how they decorate for Christmas or something else. but this is your thing.

when did his sister get married? prices aren’t always the same year to year.

I had my heart set on this little church and sure, there were other little churches and a celebrant that was willing to do it at his church and it would have been "easier"…I didn’t want easy. I wanted this church and I would have compromised but he thought better of it.

Are your parents helping with any planning? 

I don’t know how you two communicate, but if you tell him this is very very important to you and that any compromise will ruin your day and that you’d rather just wait the year until you can afford both a move and wedding at this location.

If you don’t often demand things in your relationship state this and say this is one area where you will not cave.

 

Also, tell him that once you are married it is just the two of you making choices, that is if you have agreed to $5000 he needs to support this, regardless of what his mother says. because if she pushed his buttons now, what about when it comes to having children, buying a house, decorating the house or getting a car or taking vacation?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Jaydee1125,

 (((((hugs))))

I don’t mean for your mom to pay for the wedding, but the dress is a pretty big expense. typically weddings happen in the brides hometown or wherever her family is. A friend of mine slammed her foot down on her FH mom about having their wedding in Houston. Her family is rooted in CO, but works halfway across the world, true for all her sybilings too. She stuck with CO.

 

Marriage is about compromise. Maybe he will budge with a good heart to heart.

 It means so much to you and all these books we have been reading have helped my FH to see where I am coming from and that he is suppose to forsake all others for me, at least that is what the bible says and he is really trying to live it and I appreciate it as he is much easier to talk with and sort out life.

I don’t mean to get all churchy.

I hope you can work this out because it does mean so much to you and you shouldn’t start a marriage with a little, even just a tiny amount of resentment, it will be so hard to swallow that when your feelings get hurt, i mean of that ever happens.

best of luck.

Post # 13
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

I think you can keep it at the resort at this point. If there are any outside vendors you can provide (does the resort provide cake? flowers?), then maybe you can get his family’s help with that.

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