Post # 1
I am by no means a financial expert, so I wanted to reach out to get your opinion on if what is happening is totally fine or if I have reason to be a little put off.
My husband and I have a LO who is only a few months old. She is the first grandchild for his side of the family and boundaries is something of a sore spot for me with them. They are extremely loving people with great intentions and nothing but good will, I truly do love and get along with them. That being said, they’re a very close family and they had pretty much been involved in every decision my husband had ever made until last fall when I put my foot down. Basically, I never noticed it before since we lived out of town and it wasn’t too much of an issue. When we moved closer to them though, it kind of reached a head when every single day my husband was looping them in on every single little thing we were doing, which in turn invited their opinions (which I did not want for a lot of these things – an example is we spent 45 minutes discussing which route I was going to take for work when I already knew the road I was going to take). My husband has gotten a lot better about not reaching out over little things. This is all to say that I’m a little sensitive to their control in our life, I feel like sometimes they can be a little overbearing with their opinions/ input on our decisions.
The Current Issue:
They have generously set up a trust for our LO. After a recent event, my husband and I were going to deposit money given to our DD from several people into this account, however I noticed my husband’s father is the custodian. He is extremely financially savvy and I trust his judgment in regards to money and I know they would never ever do anything offsides towards our daughter. If this trust was just for money from them to our daughter, I totally get having him be the custodian. However, I’m a little iffy about putting money in this account from other people (including ourselves) that he is custodian of. I feel like money from us and others (like family members on my side or just general monetary gifts) should be in an account under our custodianship. I’m afraid if we open another trust or account then my in laws will have their feelings hurt or think we don’t trust them or that it isn’t necessary. Does it even matter who is custodian? Am I just being territorial?
I just always want to be on the safe side.
Post # 2
I understand. If it didnt matter who was custodian then Father-In-Law wouldnt mind changing it to be you, however im willing to bet that suggesting that to him is a bad idea which shows it does matter. I think its absolutely great for them to have their own trust for her but I would set up another trust for money from you and others with yourself as custodian. It just simplifies things when it comes to releasing money and who has to sign off etc.. Its also fairer to others contributing as many probably wouldnt want their money put into a trust controlled by someone they dont know and would prefer you had control. I think if Father-In-Law is financially savvy then he should be absolutely fine with this and not offended (he doesnt even need to know if you dont want him to).
Post # 5
My sister went through something similar when her oldest was born. Her ILs set up an account for their granddaughter with them being the custodians. When my niece was baptized, my sister and husband had several checks for her and decided (together) to open a different account that they had access to at the bank that they already banked at. They didn’t even tell the ILs about the new account; quite frankly, it’s none of their business.
I don’t think you’re being territorial at all in wanting control over an account for your daughter. This account that your ILs set up really has nothing to do with you, if that makes sense. It’s an account they set up for her to be managed by them. I do not think they would expect you to put any additional money into that account; if they did then it would be controlling on their part.
But I’m not a financial advisor or anything close. If you’ve already had some boundary issues then I think it’s best to have an account that only you guys control. Your husband doesn’t have to say anything to his parents about it.
Post # 6
Thanks for your advice! I think you’re right, what account we end up putting the money gifted to her is not their concern.
This is pretty much our exact situation. I like the idea of keeping the account they started for them specifically and then for us to have our own account where other gifts go. When you phrased it that way, it really isn’t any of the business. I just know my husband has a history of sharing everything with them, so I can totally see him telling them and then in turn, them getting upset.
Post # 7
I would just open another account and not tell them. They have no need to know.