Financial burden of MOH, feeling a bit guilty.

posted 4 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 32
Member
930 posts
Busy bee

I’d feel weird if my sisters decided to assign me to do their bridal shower. If I didnt offer, id probably decline doing it. 

 

Post # 33
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2025 - City, State

In what world does the amount of time and money you have spent on your own wedding mean anything whatsoever about how much time and money other people spend on it??

You are way too involved in the shower.  This is not your event, it is not something you are owed, it is not your sister’s obligation.  Stop giving unsolicited input.

In your first post, you’ve clearly gone bridezilla on your poor sister.  I’m struggling to believe all the backpedaling.

Post # 34
Member
6402 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

MollyCatherine :  I’m struggling to believe all the backpedaling.

Yup

Post # 35
Member
11638 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

leesahmarie :  

First off, I have two MOHs, and no bridesmaids. My sister and my best friend. I have put my sister in charge of the bridal shower, and my best friend in charge of the bachelorette party, which suits their personalities perfectly in my opinion.

As everyone has said, you don’t put anyone in charge of anything. A shower and bachelorette party are optional and voluntary. People either volunteer to host or they don’t. You should not assign or even so much as hint to your bridal party that you are expecting that they host these events for you. If they happen they happen and if they don’t they don’t.  

A little frantic, I told my sister about it because I knew she didn’t have her dress yet either. She told me she would have to wait until she got paid the following week, and seemed a little irritated that I was pushing her.

Did you ever consult your sister about the dress budget? Fifty days ahead is usually not nearly enough time to custom order. At that point, I would have told her to buy any dress within her budget in a given color range. 

They probably make just about as much as FH and I do. Granted, we don’t have children, but we have dropped almost $9,000 of our own money between the wedding and the honeymoon in the last year. All she’s responsible for at this point is some food and decorations, as we have decided to have the bridal shower at her house (AGAIN to make it budget friendly), and she’s acting like it’s too much.

You are not inside of her life or her finances. What you can spend or pay has nothing to do with her. She is not “responsible” for anything. 

I tried to lightly bring up the shower to her today by sending her some ideas on Pinterest 

This was really inappropriate. You are the guest of honor. It is not your place to hint, suggest or dictate what she does or how unless she were to specifically ask for your input. 

The only wedding-related responsibilities she has had over the last 15 months were: going with me to pick out my dress, pick out clothing for her and her family, hosting a small shower, attend a bachelorette party, and walk down the aisle of the big day. Most of those things have not even happened yet. I feel like I’m not asking for too much, right?

Completely and totally wrong. Maid of honor is an honor title, not a job. The only “obligation” the bridal party has is to show up in a dress which you’ve consulted on with them for budget and style, to stand up with you in support on the day, to attend rehearsal if possible, and to help out with small personal tasks on the day of. 

FH and I have taken on almost EVERY wedding detail ourselves. You are the hosts. Who else should be doing this? 

From the update:  “I didn’t “tell” her she had to throw me a shower, when the topic got brought up, she volunteered. “Assigned” was a bad word choice.”

Who brought up the topic? Hopefully, not you. If she volunteered on her own that’s on her, but if you know she’s under financial pressure, just let her know you appreciate the offer, but a shower is not necessary.

Post # 36
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Sansa85 :  I think with your own sister you should be comfortable enough to be like, “hey money is tight.” While I agree with all the other posters who saidnthe OP shouldn’t have assigned the sister to host the shower last time I checked the sister does have a mouth, right? She could always says no I can’t do it. If an adult can’t feel comfortable saying no they arent going to get very far…

Post # 37
Member
4924 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

soexcited123 :  it depends on the relationship. It doesn’t seem like op is receptive or understanding about it so she really might not be comfortable telling her. I agree that she could have said no but I don’t think op would have received it  well

Post # 38
Member
6157 posts
Bee Keeper

I feel sorry for your sister. While her finances are none of your business you still have the nerve to say that you don’t understand why she shouldn’t have sufficient disposable income to do all these things for you when you and your F earn about the same as she and her H–while they are supporting twice as many people.

You don’t “assign” (your word, used over and over) people who are not your employees anything and you don’t ask people to throw parties for you. Why did she have to buy the flower girl dress? When someone tells you they need to wait until their next paycheck before they can order a dress they are obviously running a tight budget. Gain some awareness and stop being “that” bride. 

Post # 39
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

okay…I’m older, so bear with me here if I’m out of touch, but this seems like a lot. 
maybe it’s a thing to have showers and parties… If i have anything like that, I’m going to throw it myself. 
But my opinion on this doesn’t matter – you’ve heard how your sister feels, so how can you mitigate the pressure and move forward in a positive way?
Rather than asking who is in the wrong or right, 
just going by how she feels, Is there a way to rewire your expectations, and ask yourself what is most important? 

Can you turn your parties into- let’s all have some good things to eat and watch movies or something? 

If you want a weekend getaway, can you make it happen and invite them along? 

Being backed or not-backed by people’s opinions doesn’t seem like it should be the deciding factor, here – it seems like partnering with your sister in a solution, finding something that’s fun together and takes the pressure off, would be a good move.

I mean, isn’t the purpose of these things to build memories and have fun? I have no clue what else it would be for – 

Post # 40
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Regardless of how you may have “meant” anything, it’s pretty obvious why your sister is upset and annoyed, and it’s quite reasonable in her part. 

I personally don’t get parents who never, ever leave their kids, but if in the right years she has been a mother she has literally NEVER left her kids overnight, then why on earth would it even cross your mind to ask her if she would for your bachelorette party??? Simply by bringing it up, you put her in a super shitty position. She’s either the lump on a log forcing the party to be lame or she has to do something she is extremely uncomfortable with and has never done before just to make a couple of grown women feel like school girls. 

And your attitude throughout this post is utterly ridiculous! You speak as if you are entitled to her money and like she has some obligation to spend her money on YOUR wedding and completely unnecessary pre-wedding events.

You say you’ve spent $9000 in the last 15 months on your wedding as if a) that’s a lot of money for a wedding and b) you’re some kind of martyr for paying for your own wedding… Like, who exactly do you think is supposed to? And you seem to think because you spent this much that means your sister should happily spend so much?? Where is the logic there?? 

And oh my, you’ve spent all your weekends lately planning YOUR OWN wedding?! Gasp! You poor thing… 

Again. Who the heck else do you think is supposed to be responsible for that?? 

I’m also very curious just how much time, money and effort you put into your sisters wedding…? 

Post # 41
Member
1673 posts
Bumble bee

The bees are reacting poorly to the back end of your post where you detail the fact that nearly all the cost and planning have fallen on you as if that isn’t just…standard. You need to adjust to the idea that you’re throwing a gratuitious set of parties (that a lot of people throw, but it’s still optional) that nearly nobody cares about maybe even 15% as much as you do. Thus is the bizarre world of weddings — a lot of money, a lot of effort, a lot of ways to piss people off (including by not having one), yet at the end of the day nearly all of the guests never really think about it again unless to complain. Hurrah!

Your sister probably didn’t think about costs before agreeing. A lot of people don’t. I think a lot of people, when actually facing the cost of  being in a wedding that isnt’ theirs, sort of resent the it just a little bit. 

 

Post # 42
Member
4502 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Do you have any idea how much a lot of those wedding-related Pinterest ideas cost?? An insane amount of money. It’s ridiculous that you sent her them. What did you expect her to say other than ‘thats nice’? Did you think she would offer to do something similar for the shower? Ridiculousness. All this after she told you she would have to wait to get PAID in order to buy the bridesmaid dress. You should have had a clue right there. Poor sister.

Post # 43
Member
11638 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I missed this charming update:

“ I’m just making the point that I’ve put a lot of time and money into it, and she’s being iffy on her responsibilities”

It’s you who are iffy and out of line. This proves that despite repeated comments to the effect that you don’t need a shower etc. you feel entitled and think she is obligated to do things that are optional and voluntary. If you’ve given her that impression, by bringing up the shower and sending her Pinterest pins, it’s no wonder she’s avoiding you. 

 

Post # 44
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

I would just say hey if the shower is too much stress for you we can go ahead and cancel it.  Give your sister a way out.  If she insists then be grateful and back off.  

Post # 45
Member
431 posts
Helper bee

I think there is real weirdness in America around these expectations and strong geographic differences. When I was a bridesmaid or Maid/Matron of Honor (New England) I’ve never been asked to do more than get a dress— and usually even that was paid for by the people getting married. None of my friends (college educatedate twenties and thirties) did bachelorettes, nor did I. In the dozens and dozens f weddings I’ve been to on the east and west coasts there have been zero showers. And I didn’t even ask my wedding party to buy any specific clothes. In the UK the wedding party buys the clothes if they want people to wear something specific. These differences create real resentment. I’d be pissed of somebody’s wedding expected me to spend a ton of money on extra events for them (my siblings wedding didn’t and I officiated!) 

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