Financial burden of MOH, feeling a bit guilty.

posted 4 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 46
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe it would just be best to apologise to your sister. Just put it down to being a bit naive.

Tell her what you have told us- that you really don’t care that much about the party and you’re sorry if you placed any financial burden on her or made her feel pressured at all. Thank her for being kind enough to be willing to host but you have reconsidered and would be happy without it.

Let her know that really what means the most to you is that she will be standing with you on your special day. An unnecessary party is not worth all this angst between you, your mum and your sister.

 

Post # 47
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

This thread brings to mind this classic scene…

OP I don’t know why so many Bees are piling onto you! You seem really nice and considerate, with a legit problem few people are actually helping with. 🤷🏻‍♀️

My advice is to meet with your sister in person and tell her what you’ve heard about your wedding stressing her financially. Tell her you never wanted that, and you’d rather she cancel the shower if it’s a burden. If she says “oh no no I want to do your shower, I was just venting” or something similar, then you can bring up being concerned about the timeline and ask her if she has considered when invites need to go out.

Basically I think all this will be solved with a face-to-face conversation. Right now you’re playing telephone with a third party and that always causes problems. As for the bachelorette, it’s silly to compare to your fiancé but if you’re feeling sad maybe plan a city trip with just your other MOH? Call it a girls trip? But I think out-of-town bachelorette/bachelor parties are OTT and you can have just as much fun staying home… the best bachelorette I’ve attended was at a house, we all stayed in and made cocktails, it was catered and way more fun than fancier parties I’ve attended in the city.

Post # 48
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

valintine :  I don’t know if you’re reading the same post as everyone else  but op doesn’t sound like someone who would be  ok with her sister cancelling the shower.  She assigned her the task, says that she’s iffy about her bridesmaid responsibilities, and even though her sister had to wait until her next paycheck to afford a dress thinks that her money situation is fine and keeps sending her pinterest shower ideas.  That’s why people are piling on her.  I’m not sure how you got nice and considerate out of that. I also don’t believe any of op’s back pedaling which is a classic move on the bee after everyone calls you out on your crap.  “Oh, I know I said this but what I actually meant was whatever everyone needs to hear to tell me that I’m right and not asking too much”

Post # 49
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

All else aside, I think at this point the shower is causing way too much stress for everyone involved—you, your sister, your mom.  It’s just not worth it, girl. Being real with you here, no judgment: With only 15 or so people to be invited, the few gifts you might get from the shower isn’t worth all this drama, you know?

So if I were you I would just tell my sister like hey on second thought I really don’t feel like having a shower anymore.  I would NOT include any wording like “if it’s stressing you out too much financially then let’s cancel the shower”, because that can be viewed as passive-aggressively confrontational and like you’re deliberately trying to embarrass her for her financial situation. 

Post # 50
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee

Your sister is probably embarrassed to tell you she can’t afford to do the things you want. I was in a similar situation last year with my future sister in law where her family arranged a £400 per person hen weekend (without consulting anyone on budgets) and me and my fiancée literally at that point could not afford to go. You have no idea how embarrassing it is to have say that you can’t afford to do something that people think you will have no problem affording. You don’t know her finances, you think you do but she has two kids to support and could be in a lot of debt for all you know. From the sounds of your posts tbh you don’t sound like the most understanding person either, so your sister probably doesn’t feel comfortable telling you. 

I just hate this culture where it’s now expected that guests and bridesmaids should shell out thousands of pounds to be part of a wedding. Why should anyone put themselves under huge financial pressure because of your wedding?

You know now she is struggling financially to afford your plans and your response was to send her Pinterest pins? Wtf? That’s really passive aggressive. If you genuinely cared about her you would have been upset to hear that from your mum and reached out to her and either offered to cancel the event or pay for it yourself. Your response was really telling here. 

Post # 51
Member
7280 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m really bothered by the way you talk about your sister’s financial obligations. “Only” a dress, family outfits, and a shower is still hundreds (maybe thousands) of dollars. Being able to rent a restaurant for “next to nothing” is still NOT NOTHING. Even if you do make the same amount of money her family is twice as big – there is no way your expenses are the same. And even if they were it’s not your place to decide what she can afford. 

Post # 52
Member
30 posts
Newbee

Bridesmaids are expected to do too much financially for someone elses day.

I have been a bridesmaid 3 times in the last 3 years, and each time I have had to spend over $1500 per wedding. That is alot to ask of anyone, regardless of their financial situation. Just because you’re getting married, you’re not entitled to parties thrown by friends or family. And assuming someone else can afford to do these things for you is selfish as well. 

 

Post # 53
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

leesahmarie :  The thing is hat you never should have been discussing it together. If someone wanted to throw you a bridal shower or bachelorette party, they come to you and tell you they’re growing a party and ask for a guest list. You don’t sit down with family and friends and be like, “So, who’s throwing the shower?”

Post # 54
Member
698 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

They probably make just about as much as FH and I do. Granted, we don’t have children…

This is really rubbing me the wrong way. If you don’t have children, you have no idea how expensive they are and how much you have to keep in savings for emergencies. They have two children, so saying that because they make as much as you and F.I. they should be fine is ridiculous. My son costs me almost as much as doubling our rent per month, and that doesn’t even include medical expenses since we live in Canada. 

Post # 55
Member
847 posts
Busy bee

I agree with most the bees here. Personally having thrown 1 wedding shower, 1 baby shower, 1 bachelorette party, and co hosted another bach party (until I dropped out) I will say I will only consider throwing someone another party *if* I set and enforce *boundaries*. A max # guestlist, plan out my budget, etc they can take it or leave it. I love my friends and would do alot for them, but they are not entitled to my bank account. All these showers/parties costed me roughly around $200 (with the exception of one of the bach parties) and that’s probably only because I diy’d all the decore (already owned most the supplies), stayed up throughout the night cooking and baking, and I compare prices/look for sales. Most people don’t do these things and if they have 2 children to attend to (drive them to soccer practice, attend school plays, buy them halloween costumes, christmas baking, the list goes on). I’m not a mother, but I’m fully aware that your shower probably *is* another added stress to having to keep up with their kids.

I spent time with my friend the other day shopping for her child’s 1st bday party (I threw her 2 of the parties) I even diy’d some stuff for her in place of a gift, but the moment she asked me to come over over when the sun came out to help set up (I live 45 mins one way from her) and decorate I chuckled and say *no*. Her husband had even offered to pay me, but she probably felt like since we are friends I should gladly give her the free labor. Like I said I love my friends and I have bent myself backwards making them happy, and that’s how I learned the hard way. When you are the host, cooking, cleaning, decorating, doing the games, being hospitable, spending the money, doing EVERYTHING it *is* a job. I don’t see a ton of difference between someone hosting a party for someone vs. a DOC other than the fact 1 gets paid and the other doesn’t. Actually 1 person is gaining money while the other is spending money.

Not trying to jump down your throat OP, but these subjects always rub me the wrong way. If I were you I’d just tell her to simply cancel and maybe treat her and a few others to a fun day out or baking day at your place. You could even throw on a bride to be sash if you wanted to. 🤷‍♀️

Post # 56
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - City, State

You’re getting kinda slammed here, and I don’t think it’s fair. I agree with valintine. Your sister is an adult, and my opinion is that it’s more on her to tell you she is feeling a financial strain than it is for you to apologize. Since she wanted to host the shower, it’s in no way your fault that she is now not feeling it so much. 

 

Suffering budgeting woes is difficult, and it sucks for her, but you two should be close enough that you can have a conversation about this. I suggest you initiate it. You should not be making assumptions about her finances, but since you know there is a concern, it must be addressed. 

 

Give her a free pass on not going out of town…she’s never left her kids, and you’d be surprised how many women won’t. I’m in my 40’s now, but I’ve had several gal pals over the years who would never do stay out overnight due to the kids. So do something local then maybe also do a girls’ weekend with your other Maid/Matron of Honor in the city. Even if your sister’s stay would be paid for, going out of town costs money anyway with eating out and such. AND if she doesn’t want to leave the kiddos, she likely won’t have a great time anyway, hence making you have less fun. 

Post # 57
Member
3509 posts
Sugar bee

I’ve thrown showers, at a restaurant and at home. I’m usually the last person to insist that bridesmaids have “duties” – because outside of getting the outfit and showing up at the wedding there’s nothing else required. They don’t have to plan showers, bachelorette parties etc.

That being said, I don’t think a small shower at home shower for your only sister is worth complaining about, frankly, nor is a reasonably priced dress. But my husband and I come from close families who do this kind of thing for each other. I do think that the sister complaining to the mother is a dick move. You have problems, then tell your sister, don’t tattle to mommy. 

Sorry OP, I think you’re getting a raft of sh-t here and it’s unnecessary. 

 

 

Post # 58
Member
266 posts
Helper bee

sunburn :  Agree wholeheartedly. I honestly don’t see a problem with OP’s attitude here. She seems pretty open to feedback and appears understanding to canceling. An at home shower with close friends and family could easily be a cost effective pot luck. Bride has already agreed to a local, low key bachelorette. She has stated that although she would love a cooler party, what matters most is her sister’s presence.

Tbh if my sister were acting like this I’d be like “this is a special time for me…it can’t be a stressful and miserable experience…and if that’s how it’s turning out for you, I’d rather you didn’t plan or attend any of the extras. Let me know if you need help paying for the dress you’ve already purchased.”  If mom wants to throw me a shower, I’m letting her. If Maid/Matron of Honor2 wants to go into the city for the bachelorette, we’re going (just the 2 of us).

OP the drama isn’t worth it to include someone who doesn’t wanna be included in the extras. Maybe she’s miserable for some other reason and just can’t be bothered to put 100% into “your big day”. Maybe it’s jealousy. Maybe the kids have her exhausted. Maybe it really is just the finances. Make peace with that, graciously tell her to chill out and not worry about any of this stuff, and leave the opening for other people to celebrate your marriage. 

Post # 59
Member
7906 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Seems like the main reason you’re getting flamed is because of your word choice re: “putting your sister in charge” of your shower, which you then clarified in an update did not actually happen, rather she volunteered. You have repeatedly said you’d be fine not having the shower, yet the hive is still insisting that you would not actually be ok with that. So I’m with sunburn & co that you don’t deserve this pile on.

As for what to do, I think the most gracious thing would be to give your sister an out. She may have volunteered to do your shower, but it’s clear she doesnt’ actually want to do it, and that’s her perogative. I come from a family that throws showers for one another (nothing elaborate, usually just events in the home with homemade food and decor), and so I totally understand why it’s hurtful that this is happening. But like pp said, you don’t know what’s going on with her, so try to give her the benefit of the doubt. 

Good luck bee and congrats on your upcoming wedding!

Post # 60
Member
3509 posts
Sugar bee

tiffanybruiser :   PizzaBride :  You both understood the point I was making, thank you. 

I wish some people would get off their high horses and stop telling the OP how awful she is. They could devote the extra time to consider how they would feel in the OP’s position. Your MoH and sister is bitching to mommy about how expensive a home shower and dress is. And she volunteered for the shower.

COME ON PEOPLE, BE REAL! You’d be disappointed too. And the last thing you would need is someone chastising you for what is essentially a word choice error.

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