Post # 1
Regular bee going anon because I am so embarrassed of my current situation.
Background. Been married almost 3 years, together for 5. Husband makes good salary (way north of 100k), I was between jobs the last couple months but have recently secured a good position with lots of potential. Unfortunately our expenses have also been high so we have debt and basically no savings. Aka we were irresponsible spenders and living even beyond our very generous means
The last 6-8 months I have really gotten my financial act together as our determined goal was to get rid of the debt ASAP and build up some savings. I recently sold some expensive camera equipment and other random items to throw some extra thousands at the debt and have otherwise been spending nothing on myself until we are in a better position (likely a few months away still). We are also planning to sell one of our cars since the payment is high and it’s not a necessity.
Anyway, I found out last night my husband got a bonus from work which I was super excited about since it would have brought our debt down a good chunk. Well, instead I found out he spent over half of it for his golf membership this year. It was 7 fucking thousand dollars. 7 grand. Yep. To play golf. When we have all this debt that needs to be paid off. This is the guy that told me on Valentine’s Day that flowers were too expensive around then and he would get me some later on. Btw that still hasn’t happened and I didn’t get a card either. But I didn’t get too angry at the time for the greater good of our financial situation. Now I am livid. Like absolutely ready to call it quits. He thought I knew about the fees yet never communicated it to me. Ugh. Please I need some kind words because I am beyond upset right now.
Post # 2
I don’t have any reassuring words because I would be livid too. That is so irresponsible and also disrespectful to you to spend that insane amount of money on golf when you have literal debt hanging over your head, without even talking to you about it. I’m sorry Bee. You have every right to be upset.
Post # 3
hock778 : of course he said he “thought you knew” about the golf fees because he wasn’t taking a chance on you telling him not to do it…
$7,000 for his fun but spending $50 on flowers for you was too expensive. I would be livid and wanting to shove his clubs up his….
We would be discussing right now, what *he* is selling, doing etc to pay down the debt immediately…
Post # 4
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
Does he need the golf membership for his work to entertain high profile clients etc?
Post # 5
KittyYogi : thank you, yes so so disrespectful – and the kicker is he was the one drilling it into my head these last few months about being financially responsible (since I am a shopper). Complete hypocrite.
mrstodd2bee : I know I will be livid every time he goes golfing this year too since this has been such a gut punch. He tells me he is doing everything he can to pay down the debt, except this one major thing obviously. And he tries to justify it by saying “it’s just the timing is bad” and “for what I make this should be reasonable.” I don’t disagree he *should* be able to enjoy his hobby but the reality is we just can’t afford it right now. I’ve been making all these sacrifices (since the car and photography are my hobbies) but he isn’t doing his part.
Thank you for letting me vent!
Post # 6
sharkey38 : no, he golfs with the same buddies every time and never wants to go if it’s not with them.
Post # 7
I would be livid if my partner did the same as yours. What else does he spend money on compared to you?
You should focus on paying the debt you have built up since you were the shopper, and he should pay off his own.
Work out a budget to see where yours incomes go and work out where they can be cut back. Factor in the golf membership fee and anything you do as recreation/hobbies, too. Get him to agree to stick to the budget, and agree to what portion of any bonus/commission should go toward debt.
Post # 8
MrsMiller23 : golf is his big hobby, but he also has a lot of designer suits and stuff too.
Our debt is combined. $10k of which he borrowed to put in his retirement to avoid paying $5k taxes when we filed. I got a small return which again is going to the debt. The rest is misc. stuff which has added up over the last year. Haven’t kept track of his or mine since he has always been fair about this stuff previously.
When I shop I’ll spend a few hundred when I have it. Not large chunks like this. We do need to budget if I can recover from this nonsense.
Post # 9
I. Would. Be. Furious.
So he gets to lecture you about financial responsibility and sit by while you sell your stuff…and then he gets to spend $7,000 on fucking GOLF?!
Post # 10
So I’m going to try my hand at playing the devil’s advocate for a moment. But know that I’d also be insanely pissed if I was you.
You acknowledged that you’ve both lived way beyond your means for a very long time. You both got yourselves into debt, and only in the last 6 months did you become “financially responsible”. That isn’t a long time. It’s awesome that you’re working so hard to pay off your debt and finally get your finances under control. And ideally your partner would be right along side you. But I don’t think it’s fair to just expect that he’s going to make a major lifestyle change at exactly the same time you do.
I’m curious if this golf membership is an annual fee that he’s always paid? In which case, he’s made that $7,000 payment before without you freaking out. If that’s true, then again – it’s great you made a big change in the last 6 months, but you can’t automatically expect him to do the same. I think that a lot of your anger right now stems from how hard you’re working not to spend a dime. Of course you’d be furious when your partner goes and spends a ton of money unnecessarily on a hobby. But is it really fair for you to be this mad? A year ago when you were also a frivolous spender, would you have been this mad?
The flower thing is wildly infuriating and I don’t even know what to say on that. And your update that he called your shopping a problem? Ergh. Your husband is pissing me off. And I honestly would consider leaving my husband if he spent even half of that amount without consulting me. But I did want to try to offer another perspective instead of adding more flames to your fire.
Post # 11
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
In that case, off with his head!
Post # 12
llevinso : pretty much my exact words in our argument.
lovelyruby : I do appreciate another perspective. And yes he did pay the fees in previous years. The thing is, I thought it was a monthly payment we already had budgeted. Not a huge lump sum we may or may not have. I just don’t understand why he couldn’t suspend his membership this year and just pay to play a few rounds when it makes sense or go as a guest with some of his friends. My husband has a finance background so he knows what he’s doing is stupid. I’m just not entirely sure if it’s ego or entitlement that’s driving him right now.
Post # 13
lovelyruby : I’d agree with you IF her husband hadn’t lectured her about her spending habits. It’s like he thinks she needs to cut back as much as possible but he just gets to keep on living his life with no consequences.
Also, yes, it’s difficult to fix this kind of living beyond your means spending habit in just 6 months, but I’d say one of the first things to go should be something so frivolous as a crazy expensive golf membership. I mean…they have other golf courses that don’t cost thousands of dollars.
Post # 14
How much debt do you have to pay down? Is this debt on credit cards? Can you consolidate your debt onto a zero interest card?
It sounds like you both need to get on the same page. Establish a monthly budget, and jointly decide how much you want to put towards debt each month. Once you have a concrete plan, you can work together to pay the debt off in a reasonable amount of time. hock778 :
Post # 15
I’d be furious too but I can kind of see why he might have a different perspective. If this is a lump sum payment that gets him his membership for a year, and he’s paid it before without it being a problem, I’m assuming for a couple years? I can see how he might not have counted it as “frivolous spending”. He probably looks at it differently than buying new clothes because you just want them or buying misc. stuff just because. I’m also guessing he didn’t think it would be the same because if you’re expecting to have paid off your debt soon and this is a scheduled payment he’s probably assuming you guys will be “fine” again money wise within the year that he’s paying for.
Just to be clear I think that it definitely is frivolous spending and he shouldn’t be drilling in “cut back cut back!” without doing it himself. Was there anything else that he used to spend money on frequently like clothes or something? Maybe those are the things he had in mind and not something like this and just didn’t think.
I would also be freaking pissed, especially the not being consulted part I think that’s super disrespectful. I’m just trying to look at it from another point of view… maybe??