Financial disagreement

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

I. Would. Absolutely. Lose. It. 

I wish I had something constructive to say. I’m normally pretty good at calming myself, collecting my thoughts and filtering out unnecessary comments by the time I decide to talk with Darling Husband, but if this happened to me, my God. 

Edit: Has he been apologetic or empathetic at all in how this makes you feel? Does he see where you are coming from? 

Post # 34
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

hock778 :  when you say you had a plan, did you have an actual concrete plan with a budget, income and expense estimates, and minimum debt payments per month? 

Or did you have a verbal agreement to cut back? 

Regardless of the fairness or who did what wrong, if you don’t have an actual concrete plan you will continue to run into disagreements like this. Hashing out that plan needs to be your top priority at the moment. Then working through your feelings about recent actions. Keep the focus on being and feeling like a team and try to stay away from devolving into you vs him. 

Post # 35
Member
14964 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

hock778 :  He told me yesterday he was comfortable spending the $7k because he knew I was giving up my car so it would be ok. This is after I also gave up $4k worth of camera equipment. If anything, I feel like I am the one being taken advantage of. 

Ummm yeah.  So by LETs work on our debt, sounds like he meant YOU do all the sacraficing so i dont have to.  Does he really not see what’s wrong with that picture.  You’re giving up your car and selling all your stuff so it must be ok for HIM to spend 7k now?

Post # 36
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - Ireland

 He told me yesterday he was comfortable spending the $7k because he knew I was giving up my car so it would be ok. This is after I also gave up $4k worth of camera equipment. If anything, I feel like I am the one being taken advantage of. 

I’d stick my foot so far up his ass, he’d taste shoe leather. Counseling, ASAP. Non negotiable. 

Post # 37
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee

It’s absolutely out of order for him to spend such a huge amount of money without mentioning it to you. I’d be furious and you two need to sit down and have a real conversation. 

He can’t pay 7K on a golf membership and not tell you. But even worse is that it’s made you resent how much he didn’t care to do anything for Valentines Day not even a card. He needs to explain himself. Now. 

Post # 38
Member
1206 posts
Bumble bee

Ok, I am not sure if I am reading this correctly or not, but it kind of sounds to me like he’s been continuously working and you have been unemployed for awhile. And during this time of unemployment, instead of cutting back, you have been actively shopping and spending *his* money (yes I know in a marriage it is *our* money but let’s face it, he did earn it). And it sounds to me like he is concerned that you aren’t working and still spending, so he’s telling you to be aware and cut back and reminding you about the debt instead of just saying, “hey I’m not your private bank account to shop with, cool it!” So when it comes to your car and your camera equipment he might see that as ok to get rid of because you are spending the money with no income. It’s sort of paying for what you already spent. And when it comes to his golf membership, it’s expensive but he’s been solely bringing in the money anyway so it is worth it to him. 

I don’t think he should be making unilateral decisions with money without at least letting you know about it. I wonder if he isn’t as good communicating his feelings about finances as he should be. You said a lot of your financial decisions were made together, but I wonder if it is possible he was just going along with whatever to make you happy and not raising issues he had.  It kind of sounds like if he had had a conversation with you about such things you would have been open to listening. Sometimes when we are used to a certain lifestyle and it changes it can be hard to adjust. I wonder if he was trying to keep you happy but was getting increasingly miserable and worried himself. 

I could be totally wrong though so take it with a grain of salt. 🙂

Post # 39
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

strawberrysakura :  she said she was *not* shopping when she was out of work. They made the debt *together* while they were *both* working…

Post # 41
Member
12207 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I’m not sure I’d take his word for it that he can’t get at least some of that money back. After all, he wasn’t very honest with you ahead of time about spending it in the first place. I would not be surprised if he was too worried about appearances or giving up the golf  to ask. 

Post # 43
Member
1206 posts
Bumble bee

hock778 :  I actually did read the previous replies. You stated that you both have been spending irresponsibly, that you can spend a few hundred on shopping, and that you haven’t been spending money on yourself since you have decided to be more responsible. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you haven’t made joint decisions wherein you think you guys need a new bed, new couches, etc that he says are fine but really aren’t fine for him and he wouldn’t have done it without you. Nothing about accumulating debt while both were working, just that debt was accumulated. 

Of course I might be wrong here, and I might misread something, but my intention was to bring another point of view on why her husband reacted how he did, not demonize the OP. I agree he should have said something to her and this was handled poorly. I just also think that the husband is carrying the majority of the financial load here and the bees are wrong to demonize him for spending the money he worked so hard for. And a bonus, over and above his normal salary.

Post # 44
Member
4183 posts
Honey bee

I think where I would hit the roof is where he said spending the 7k was fine because you’re getting rid of your car. Hello??? And flowers from the grocery store, which are lovely are inexpensive and beautiful and that’s what he should have done, the idiot. He just got totally lazy. 

Post # 45
Member
14964 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

hock778 :  “Bad timing” doesnt make any sense! I would tell him we live in the NOW, and if it’s bad timing now, then it’s a bad idea.  You don’t spend money in anticipation of a future situation… you dont get to a better future situation by coonstantly spending what you dont have.  

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