Post # 31
rainbowduckie : my husband was actually the one that really cared and was motivated to get rid of the debt. Anytime I mentioned spending money on literally anything, ie. weekend plans for us involving an activity – he would say “what about the debt.” He drilled it into my head for so long that I really did a 180 with my financial priorities because it was important to him and our future. I genuinely thought we were on the same page about this and our goals based on many previous conversations. Now he has gone and done something completely different than what he’s been telling me and I feel betrayed. We should definitely seek professional help about this and to straighten things out going forward (if there is a future, at this point I am honestly on the fence about it).
Post # 32
- Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall
I. Would. Absolutely. Lose. It.
I wish I had something constructive to say. I’m normally pretty good at calming myself, collecting my thoughts and filtering out unnecessary comments by the time I decide to talk with Darling Husband, but if this happened to me, my God.
Edit: Has he been apologetic or empathetic at all in how this makes you feel? Does he see where you are coming from?
Post # 33
sboom : yes, we did discuss things and I believed we were on the same page. I’m upset about the flowers because they’re a symbol – that he thought of me on Valentine’s Day. If he didn’t want to spend $50 on a bouquet, that’s fine, he could have brought home a fucking dandelion and a hand made card and I’d love it all the same because it would mean he thought of me. This is the first year he literally did nothing. It hurts. And I do think he’s being really selfish.
There are no penalties for suspending the golf membership, he’s done it in the past when he was busy or traveling during the season. I think you still pay for the food minimum which is another $1200 a year. He paid the initiation fee many years before we met to join so he won’t have to do that again.
I don’t want him to give up his social life or golfing forever. Just right now while things are sticky. He can hang out with his friends in the clubhouse, pubs, have dinner parties. It’s not like golf is essential to keep your friends.
I also want to add that I did not incur any additional debt while I was not working the last few months. We accumulated the debt together and agreed on things jointly that got us to this place. And again, I didn’t suddenly decide paying off the debt was super important. My husband was the one that drilled it into my head and I really changed my attitude about it. We had a plan and talked many times about how we were going to take care of it. He’s just decided to be selfish with a large amount of money while allowing me to sacrifice everything. He told me yesterday he was comfortable spending the $7k because he knew I was giving up my car so it would be ok. This is after I also gave up $4k worth of camera equipment. If anything, I feel like I am the one being taken advantage of.
Post # 34
hock778 : when you say you had a plan, did you have an actual concrete plan with a budget, income and expense estimates, and minimum debt payments per month?
Or did you have a verbal agreement to cut back?
Regardless of the fairness or who did what wrong, if you don’t have an actual concrete plan you will continue to run into disagreements like this. Hashing out that plan needs to be your top priority at the moment. Then working through your feelings about recent actions. Keep the focus on being and feeling like a team and try to stay away from devolving into you vs him.
Post # 35
hock778 : He told me yesterday he was comfortable spending the $7k because he knew I was giving up my car so it would be ok. This is after I also gave up $4k worth of camera equipment. If anything, I feel like I am the one being taken advantage of.
Ummm yeah. So by LETs work on our debt, sounds like he meant YOU do all the sacraficing so i dont have to. Does he really not see what’s wrong with that picture. You’re giving up your car and selling all your stuff so it must be ok for HIM to spend 7k now?
Post # 36
- Wedding: July 2020 - Ireland
He told me yesterday he was comfortable spending the $7k because he knew I was giving up my car so it would be ok. This is after I also gave up $4k worth of camera equipment. If anything, I feel like I am the one being taken advantage of.
I’d stick my foot so far up his ass, he’d taste shoe leather. Counseling, ASAP. Non negotiable.
Post # 37
It’s absolutely out of order for him to spend such a huge amount of money without mentioning it to you. I’d be furious and you two need to sit down and have a real conversation.
He can’t pay 7K on a golf membership and not tell you. But even worse is that it’s made you resent how much he didn’t care to do anything for Valentines Day not even a card. He needs to explain himself. Now.
Post # 38
Ok, I am not sure if I am reading this correctly or not, but it kind of sounds to me like he’s been continuously working and you have been unemployed for awhile. And during this time of unemployment, instead of cutting back, you have been actively shopping and spending *his* money (yes I know in a marriage it is *our* money but let’s face it, he did earn it). And it sounds to me like he is concerned that you aren’t working and still spending, so he’s telling you to be aware and cut back and reminding you about the debt instead of just saying, “hey I’m not your private bank account to shop with, cool it!” So when it comes to your car and your camera equipment he might see that as ok to get rid of because you are spending the money with no income. It’s sort of paying for what you already spent. And when it comes to his golf membership, it’s expensive but he’s been solely bringing in the money anyway so it is worth it to him.
I don’t think he should be making unilateral decisions with money without at least letting you know about it. I wonder if he isn’t as good communicating his feelings about finances as he should be. You said a lot of your financial decisions were made together, but I wonder if it is possible he was just going along with whatever to make you happy and not raising issues he had. It kind of sounds like if he had had a conversation with you about such things you would have been open to listening. Sometimes when we are used to a certain lifestyle and it changes it can be hard to adjust. I wonder if he was trying to keep you happy but was getting increasingly miserable and worried himself.
I could be totally wrong though so take it with a grain of salt. 🙂
Post # 39
strawberrysakura : she said she was *not* shopping when she was out of work. They made the debt *together* while they were *both* working…
Post # 40
sboom : we were in the midst of making the concrete plan, because my income will increase within the next month and that was largely to go to the debt repayment. For the time being (until then) we were to cut back and have started to track expenses to see what else can change. So I guess somewhere in the middle of verbal agreement and concrete plan really. So yes we obviously need to sit down with a spread sheet and get everything sorted.
Post # 41
I’m not sure I’d take his word for it that he can’t get at least some of that money back. After all, he wasn’t very honest with you ahead of time about spending it in the first place. I would not be surprised if he was too worried about appearances or giving up the golf to ask.
Post # 42
pinkshoes : so far he doesn’t see the issue, and I really don’t know how else to frame it. He really thinks it’s all about “bad timing” and not about being a selfish A-hole. We haven’t spoken at all today because I am still so upset.
bowlingallie1989 : agreed, I plan to make an appointment this week, even if it’s just for myself.
mrstodd2bee : thank you, she obviously didn’t read my previous replies. My field is highly seasonal so I make most of my money during the summers anyway. I spent this winter with my time off working on my skills and getting some certifications to further my career (paid for by the new company hiring me this spring).
Post # 43
hock778 : I actually did read the previous replies. You stated that you both have been spending irresponsibly, that you can spend a few hundred on shopping, and that you haven’t been spending money on yourself since you have decided to be more responsible. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you haven’t made joint decisions wherein you think you guys need a new bed, new couches, etc that he says are fine but really aren’t fine for him and he wouldn’t have done it without you. Nothing about accumulating debt while both were working, just that debt was accumulated.
Of course I might be wrong here, and I might misread something, but my intention was to bring another point of view on why her husband reacted how he did, not demonize the OP. I agree he should have said something to her and this was handled poorly. I just also think that the husband is carrying the majority of the financial load here and the bees are wrong to demonize him for spending the money he worked so hard for. And a bonus, over and above his normal salary.
Post # 44
I think where I would hit the roof is where he said spending the 7k was fine because you’re getting rid of your car. Hello??? And flowers from the grocery store, which are lovely are inexpensive and beautiful and that’s what he should have done, the idiot. He just got totally lazy.
Post # 45
hock778 : “Bad timing” doesnt make any sense! I would tell him we live in the NOW, and if it’s bad timing now, then it’s a bad idea. You don’t spend money in anticipation of a future situation… you dont get to a better future situation by coonstantly spending what you dont have.