Financial disagreement

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee

I am so angry for you. Livid.

If I were you, I’d contact the golf club myself and see if it can be cancelled. 

If you find out that he lied about that, I would confront him and tell him he can either cancel the transaction or you’re leaving.

He is being such a hypocrite. It doesn’t matter that it’s his bonus money in this situation. He lectured you about cutting back all this time and yet didn’t feel it applied to him?

He couldn’t be bothered to do anything for you for Valentines Day but yet he can spend 7k on himself without even a conversation after he told you to cut back. And somehow thinks it’s fine for you to sacrifice everything.

I don’t blame you for wanting to leave. 

Post # 47
Member
46 posts
Newbee

Right this would make me furious haha. BUT you say you were both spending and living beyond your means and you didn’t have a job for a while. So I’m assuming that you BOTH spent money like royalty lol then you realised you shouldn’t and couldn’t live like that anymore so cut back and tried to pay off debt. It’s hard because you can’t always expect other people to change as quickly as yourself. If that’s the way he is used to living you need to give him time to come around. Is he being selfish? Yes undoubtedly. But don’t give  up the marriage because he spent too much money on something when you’ve both been spending too much money for years. He’s like a child who doesn’t really understand consequences by the sounds of it lol talk to him properly and tell him you cannot afford to spend thousands of dollars willy nilly anymore and that from this moment on any purchase over $200 will need to be talked about. The flowers thing is ruddddeeeee and selfish. That would upset me more. Lol 

Post # 48
Member
7866 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t get why salaries would be joint decisions but OT and bonuses are “mine mine mine”. If my husband is working more hours it means I’m doing more childcare, pet care, and housework. Just because his time is paid doesn’t mean he’s working harder and “deserves” to decide how that extra money is used on his own.

Also if my husband dropped $7k on golf I’d make him sleep at the clubhouse until he got that money back. 

Post # 49
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Darling Husband makes 3x than I do so sometimes I let him buy expensive things that he really like especially when he brings bonus. But he always always ask me first, and never ever comment on my spending. Big purchase is always agreen upon anyway (but I’m the cheap one lol).

And yeah I would kill him for the flower comment alone!

Post # 50
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would flip my shit. My husband makes more than yours, and would never pull the “I make X amount, I should be able to afford…” line. Feeling entitled gets people in trouble financally, as you know. My husband would be selling his shit to make up for the $7k.

In fact, though we have a high income, we are supposed to discuss any purchase over $100. well, I won’t call him if I go over that at the grocery store, or if I got a great new jacket I could text him and tell him I’m getting it and he won’t be mad if he doesn’t see the text before I make it to the register, but he’d be irked if I brought home bags of clothes from the mall without at least knowing I was headed to do some big shopping You get the idea.

What is done is done. But going forward, you need a rule for how much you can spend before telling the other, and PLAN for these big expenses…and before you even plan, you AGREE that will be an expense for 2020, and if so, you divide 7000  by 12, and put away that much every month for it. 

FWIW, bonus money in our household goes to our joint bank account. It’s all money going into our household as a partnership, so it’s treated as such. we each get a little treat when bonuses come (like I got something at the Gucci store this year) but the rest goes to our shared.  

Post # 51
Member
6642 posts
Bee Keeper

And it’s not just $7,000, it’s $7k plus the food minimums. He can justify his luxuries while you give up your car and sell your belongings and he can’t figure out why you’re angry? Seriously?

Do call the club as it does seem unlikely he even asked if he could get the money back. And if he lied two card him–marriage counselor or divorce attorney. 

Post # 52
Member
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

LilliV :  So, not to threadjack, but I get a good annual merit-based bonus at work. I work really really hard for that and feel I definitely deserve it as I’m very good at my job. I’m not saying it’s all “mine, mine, mine,” but I do think it’s fair that I use some of it on something just for me. However, my husband and I are not in any debt and do fairly well. So this year, most of my bonus went to our joint savings and then I kept $1,000 just for me. I plan on using it to go on a trip this summer with some girlfriends. 

So I think while one should definitely discuss these things with their partner, it is fair to want to spend at least part of a hard-earned bonus on yourself. However, that is under normal circumstances where you’re doing fine financially. Not what OP has described at all. 

 

Post # 53
Member
7866 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

llevinso :  I’m not saying the person who earned it should never get to do something fun for themself with the extra money, just that it’s important to remember that in many cases the other partner had to pick up the slack at home in order to make that OT or bonus time possible. When we redid our budget last year my husband asked if we could keep OT to ourselves, no questions asked, and I was offended to be honest. When he’s working late it’s usually due to a snowstorm so I end up doing the shoveling PLUS I have to manage the kid and the dog by myself after I get home from a full-time job. So yea – I earned that OT too and think we both decide how it gets spent/split. Plus we both get OT and mine is at a higher rate so I reminded him that he’d get the crappy end of that stick if we each kept our own lol. 

Post # 54
Member
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

LilliV :  I think that it is something that should definitely be discussed between partners. Though I do want to point out that not everyone gets a bonus because of overtime or extra work hours. I know I didn’t. I just worked my butt off during my normal hours. 

Post # 55
Member
12093 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

He obviously considered the club as a fixed and immovable expense like a mortgage and any gesture on Valentine’s Day and a car for his wife as the unnecessary luxuries. It’s infuriating that he justified affording the golf because OP gave up her car. How incredibly selfish. 

Post # 56
Member
7866 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

llevinso :  Fair. My annual bonus is just a bonus too – OT is different. My husband is a government employee and doesn’t get bonuses and I’ve always considered mine part of my salary since it’s fairly consistent. We also consider all money our money. I don’t get more discretionary spending just because I earn more, but I know many couples think it’s reasonable for the higher earning parter to have more play money. My point is that OP’s husband saying “but it’s from my bonus” as if that’s some sort of excuse for spending $7k on a hobby without discussing it with her when they’re drowning in debt is ridiculous. 

Post # 57
Member
3376 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

It does sound more and more like OPs husband is being pretty selfish and kind of a dick, essentially telling her that all her stuff is unnecessary and needs to be cut while he goes ahead and keeps his $7000 golf membership. 

However, it may be worthwhile for the rest of us responding to keep in mind that the only perspective we are getting here is OPs. She could very well be leaving out relevant details (not saying that’s the case). So to add another perspective to the conversation, I’ll share my brothers experience with his ex fiance…

They were together for 6 or so years and bought a house together a couple years in, which had both their names on it. Even at that time, he was paying significantly more into the house and their other shared expenses than she was, but was ok with it because he made more money and this was a woman he thought he would be spending the rest of his life with – his partner. 

It never botherded him that he paid more until she began to act more and more entitled to his earnings. 

When they first moved in, they worked out a household budget together and chose to split their contributions about 1/3 her and 2/3 him. He also agreed to cover any additional or unexpected expenses that might come up, as he had a lot more expendable income. 

Despite his much larger finsncifi contributions, she did not perform any more labour at home than he did which, again, at first he was fine with. He did the bulk of the cooking and about the same amount of cleaning. At that point they worked similar hours so whatever. 

But about a year in she decided that she couldn’t handle working full time and dropped to part time, reducing her income by almost 50%. He took on even more of the financial responsibility. And despite now being home several hours earlier than him every day, she didn’t take on the cooking responsibilities or any additional cleaning. This also despite the fact that she was a much pickier eater than him. 

Then, because their “combined income” was so much lower than it had been before, they sat down an reworked their budget again but this time she wanted to take responsibility for managing their money and created a very rigid budget that she enforced ruthlessly. Interestingly enough, things like clothing and haircuts for her were included in this budget but the same was not for him. He was given essentially a monthly allowance for his own spending money that worked out to about $50 a week. He was expected to pay for all his own personal expenses and social life with $200 a month… 

She literally lost her fucking mind on him one time because she had “left him” $100 for groceries while she was away for a week on vacation with friends (which somehow made it into their “joint” budget of course) and he ended up not buying any groceries because he just ate stuff that was already in the house, so he used $25 of it to take me out to the driving range for my birthday…. 

I’m not mentioning this because I think this is what is going on with OP and her husband, but to remind everyone responding that while it is absolutely fundamental to any good partnership to share assets and income and to do away with a “mine and yours” mentality, when there is a large income differential both partners need to be very conscious of the risk of entitlement and resentment bubbling up and how their actions and attitudes can contribute to that. 

In my brothers example, everything was fine at the beginning when they were both acting like partners, but when she began to act entitled to his salary and began controling his personal spending, she stopped being a partner and he began to resent her for it. Eventually, it led to their break up (thank fuck!!)

So let’s keep in mind that, yes, all income and assets belong to both partners, but it belongs to them as part of a unit. Neither partner is entitled to the others labour and income as an individual. 

Post # 58
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Four Seasons Hotel Los Angeles at Beverly Hills

I don’t have much else to add to what everyone else has said here, but the flower thing would not make me happy. I understand not spending hundreds on some fancy arrangement, but every grocery store has nice bouquets for $10-20. It’s the thought that counts, not the dollar amount.

Post # 60
Member
12093 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

hock778 :  That’s good about the counseling and the fact that he knows he screwed up on Valentine’s Day. But I’m still very concerned about his attitude toward money and meanwhile you still have no savings, no car, and debt.  If there were other sources of income those should be used for absolute necessities, to pay off your debt and or to get ahead, not to justify his over 8K in luxury entertainment. Sorry, but there’s no excuse for him. He ought to be doing all this and giving up the golf. 

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