Post # 61
The three stores and picked over thing is BS–he could have made you a card or written you a poem or even taken on some chore you despise as his gift, it just wasn’t a priority for him. I hope the two of you are able to get to a better place with counseling, Bee. Hugs.
Post # 62
hock778 : that’s a great update! He realizes he screwed up and he’s making steps to fix it. I still think he should also be giving up the golf for a bit, but one step and a time. Counseling will help a lot.
Post # 63
He tried to defend himself about Valentine’s by saying he went to 3 stores to get me a card but obviously left it too late because it was all picked over.
Oh, that is bullshit. Every time I go to Target on V Day I see dozens of men frantically sprinting towards the card aisle and buying grocery store bouquets, and none of them have to leave empty handed. Hell, my romance obsessed husband made my Valentines purchase at a Holiday gas station one year (don’t all be jealous of me, guys :)- he had to get gas anyways).
Actually, I could forgive blowing off Valentines Day a lot easier than that stupid excuse he gave you. He should’ve just owned it, promised to never do it again, and asked how he could make it up to you. I realize this isn’t the point of the post and the bigger issue is his attitude towards spending money on his priorties, but that excuse is so annoying.
Post # 64
I’m glad he’s willing to work on things. Hopefully he will follow through.
But yeah that’s some b.s. lying right there. I was sick on Valentine’s day and at CVS to pick up a prescription late in the day. There were plenty of guys there (more than I have ever seen there at one time) and none of them left empty-handed. The guy behind me in line even bought his wife an entire box (as in the display kind that has like 40 in them) of Cadbury Creme Eggs because they are one of her favorites even though it’s an Easter candy and not Valentine’s cause he didn’t like the selection of Valentine candy leftover (we were in line awhile cause they were super slow and we chatted because I had a 4pk of the eggs in my basket). Was it kind of a last minute cop-out? Yup. But the dude tried and worked with what he had and made it work. I don’t believe for a second that a dude with a wine collection and a $7000 golf club membership isn’t resourceful enough to make something happen at one of the alleged three stores he went to. Just plain old forgetting would have been better and more believable than that crock.
Post # 65
I agree with all of you, that he should be giving up all that he is including the golf. But I honestly believe we will end up divorced if that’s the hill I choose to die on and I have mixed feelings about it right now.
Also think the Valentine’s Day thing was total BS. He forgot or didn’t care enough to figure something out. You are right in that he is resourceful but I guess only when he sees it will benefit him. Beyond disappointing because he was never like this before we got marrried. He was always so thoughtful and kind.
Post # 66
I really don’t think the Valentine’s Day thing is a big deal on its own – it’s only an issue because there are other issues. Like, if you weren’t already feeling devalued and hurt, no flowers for a silly hallmark holiday probably wouldn’t bother you that much. At least it wouldn’t bother me.
However, because he’s already in the dog house I do find it super obnoxious of him to not just own the fact that he didn’t bother instead of making dumb excuses.
I stopped at Walmart on my way home from work on Valentine’s Day to grab chocolates and a card for my fiance and there was plenty of selection left of both, as well as lots of flowers and plush animals and all the rest…
It’s particularly annoying for him to make excuses about something so small when there are much bigger issues going on that he is also making excuses about.
As for budgeting – you acknowledge you need to do that soon but I’d argue it needs to be done like yesterday. Don’t put it off. Get on it ASAP.
Post # 67
Valentine’s Day is a symptom and was upsetting but it’s really the least of all of this. You have debt and zero savings, and now no car, but he thinks his income entitles him to luxuries and he might divorce you for suggesting his golf membership is irresponsible? If that’s true you have even bigger problems.
I’m sorry but his attitude sounds worse all the time. This is definitely something to bring up in counseling. Personally, I would not be staying quiet.
Post # 68
hock778 : I’m glad you two are going to go to counseling. I think that could help a lot. From what you’ve described here, he does sound pretty selfish. But I know we don’t have the full picture.
I think the counseling and setting a strict budget should be the first priorities.
I agree with PPs about Valentine’s Day. It’s really not a big deal but moreso a symptom of other issues. And his ridiculous excuse about the card thing would just make me angrier.
Post # 69
weddingmaven : I just want to clarify that we will have one car, my husband takes public transit to work so we are getting rid of the second car that’s not a necessity.
But yes, his attitude is pretty ridiculous in this situation and I am trying to stand my ground here.
Post # 70
I also want to add that my husband does sound very selfish right now (and IMO he is) but in the past he has been quite generous with me. He paid for my tutition when I was in school and gifted luxuries I wouldn’t have been able to afford myself. Since some of you mentioned you weren’t seeing the full picture..
Post # 71
- Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA
Yep, I’d be livid.
I literally got a divorce over similar BS and I don’t, even for a second, regret that decision.
Post # 72
- Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall
sboom : Thank you for sharing that story. It actually helped me gain insight on my own personal situation with my husband.
Post # 73
hock778 : My answer has completely changed now knowing that he paid your tution and was gifting you luxuries previously. While $7,000 is a lot of money for a golf membership, it sounds like he kept you in a lifestyle that you otherwise would have not been able to afford by yourself. Were you married when he was paying your tution? That’s awfully generous of him and in his position, quite frankly, I’d be pissed that you would be dictating how to spend my hard earned money. It’s not like he just went out and bought this membership this year, right? He’s always had it and made it work in whatever “budget” you had previously.
Maybe the Valentine’s snub was his passive aggressive way of showing he was upset. I’m not into Hallmark holidays but if he always got you something, then I would think something else was up (like him being upset) if this was the first year he didn’t get me something or even acknowledge the day.
Does he spend money frivolously otherwise, or is golf the one thing he does? I don’t know Bee, I can see why he would get the membership again if it wasn’t a problem in the past and seeing that you’ve been in school and/or out of work, it’s a bit nervy of you to all of a sudden decide you both need to drop all your hobbies and sell a bunch of things you otherwise enjoy.
I’m with sboom on this one.