Post # 16
1.It is not HIS paycheck, it is OURS as a family. I had a full time job for the first year of our daughter’s life and HE urged me to quit my job to stay home with our daughter because we no longer had childcare–he agreed to take over the financial half of our responsibilities and i agreed to take over the more domestic responsibilities. We BOTH agree that we each contribute equally to our household, my part just happens to be “unpaid” so no it is not “his” money.
If things were the other way around I wouldn’t consider the paychecks any more “mine” as they are his as well because we are a partnership.
2. You will notice that that was not what this post was about. I am fully aware of the importance of his sobriety and how to handle that myself. I’ve dealt with addicts all my life and don’t need any advice on that front. Additionally, we have a year until our wedding which, to me, is plenty of time for him to prove himself.
Post # 17
kortizi0: I hate to say this because you love the man and are planning a wedding, but is this what you want for the rest of your life? This is what you will get.
A relative of mine just filed for divorce after more than 20 years, financial problems being one of the major reasons. You still have time to avoid the train coming at you.
Post # 18
If he isn’t interested in an account that only you have access to what about an account that needs both your signatures to remove money from? That way he cannot touch the money but it also gives him the security of you not being able to take the money and run either.
Post # 19
The thing that makes me nervous is his relapses and his potential of loosing his job. I think maybe he needs to talk to someone about having a safety net if things go down hill In the future.
Post # 20
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
Have you guys done a budget together? The easiest thing to do is to show your Fiance visually what would happen if he puts money into savings and having a reason for savings (for example: you might come up with a budget for Christmas gifts and then put a little away each month so you suddenly have $600 or whatever). Another thing is to ask him what you guys would do if he suddenly could not work. It took a little while for me to convince Fiance that we should aim to be debt free completely. You really cannot force someone to save or change their habits. I think that you guys need to really work through your financial differences because it’s the top reason for divorce … Good luck
Post # 21
You may think its both of your money but he’s making no efforts to save it so you have a financial safety net AND money to pay for your wedding. He makes no effort to save anything and spends wildly when he relapses.. There’s nothing ‘our’ about that.
Since he’s relapsed twice in the last couple of months, and is dishonest and irresponsible about money.. I would consider post poning these nuptuals. You say you’ve dealt with addicts all of your life, that may be fine for you.. But why would you want your daughter to grow up around someone who does not take their sobriety seriously?
Post # 22
I say this respectfully because I like your posts:
I would not be worried about a wedding. I would be worried about him getting help for many of his issues and relapses.
I would also worry about having my own finances/job. I need my own funds (cash not credit) and not to tell someone how to save that should know how to do it on their own as an adult. I see many people with issues at my job that make well over 6 figures lose their jobs and have nothing.
Post # 23
“The thing is that, since he has proven untrustworthy with finances in the past I would like to put that money into a separate savings account that I will open at my bank….without him on it. Just until he can prove that he can be trusted with all of that extra money and won’t go blow it all in one weekend again.”
That is not somebody you should be marrying yet. If you can’t trust him with something as insignificant and stupid as money, do not trust him with your precious heart and your priceless child. I attended a wedding last weekend where part of the vows where “I trust you” spoken with beautiful confidence. If you can’t say the same, then wait. Where is the harm in waiting?
Post # 24
I don’t think your problem here is the money. At all.
Post # 25
So, it’s clear that you have a solid idea of what you’re dealing with addiction-wise. I don’t have so much personal experience with addicts, but I’ve learned a lot over the years. It is definitely fair for you to ask him to pony up in this case, and since he is DOUBLING his already SUBSTANTIAL salary, I think it’s more than fair for you to consider saving that extra money he’ll be making.
But here are my questions for you. Obviously, you can’t do this without him. It’s not a question of what’s fair, it’s a question of what’s practical. I’m not clear on what he’s saying vs what he’s doing. Is he yes yes yesing you when it comes to saving, only dragging his feet when it comes to actually putting in the money he’d like to be spending? Or is he resistant to the whole thing? This nonsense about “why can’t I keep it in my checking account” is plain immature- that’s the statement of a 15-year-old with his first job, who doesn’t realize that when you see it, you spend it.
Are you in counseling? I’m going to be a butt and agree with everyone else on the thread: this guy is not a good candidate for marriage. The addiction aside(and the relapses), the money problems and more importantly, the refusal to work through them with you like an adult, are a huge sign painted blood red saying DON’T MARRY ME. It is scary to me that you are financially dependent on this man.
I know only you on this board know your true situation, but if what you’ve said is true, we are giving you good advice. You may have dealt with addicts all your life, but that doesn’t mean you should keep having to deal with them for the rest of your life. Your problems are enough for you- why take on his, too?
Post # 26
Oh, and let me be clear: if there is one thing I’ve learned about dealing with addictions, it’s that the substance is usually not the only problem. I’m sure you know this. I am in no way trying to stigmatize addicts by saying this, but I am trying to put your situation and my advice in a more holistic light- addiction is almost always intertwined with other issues, and it tends to be a barrier to dealing with those issues at the root.
Post # 27
Frankly, I think money is the least of your problems. I remember a couple of your posts and you appear to be stuck in a very unhealthy relationship. Of course it’s all up to you, but I would strongly urge you to reconsider marrying an addict who can’t stay clean. He’ll ruin his own life and drag you down in the process, not to mention how unhealthy this will be for your child. I really, really think you need to take a good, hard look at your situation. It’s a mess and marriage won’t solve any of it.
Post # 28
I agree with PP seems like you need to take a minute and look at the situation you are in. I have personally dated/ lived with two addicts and being a person who has no addiction issues myself I could only imagine how hard it is to maintain your sobriety dealing with his issues.
You are trying to plan a wedding with someone who doesn’t have a plan for tomorrow. I can only speak from my experience but I would be very scared to be relying on him as my source of support especially when a child is involved. The addicts I have had in my life were extremly selfish particularly when in the throws of their addiction ( you have said yourself he drains your accounts etc)
I come from a place of respect as someone who has lived this life. I am no longer with a person with issues and it is like a breath of fresh air. I no longer have to live in fear of relapse or what he is doing ,where he is going.
When my ex came home from rehab he was told that he should not be in a relationship .They advised him that he needed to be sober for atleast a year before he was to move on to dating or resuming a relationship.
I hope everything works out for you with however you choose to go. As far as the money aspect hope you have better luck than me on the trying to get him to save. My ex made approx 250,000 a year and we lived like he made 20,000. I brought up saving money to him and it went in one ear and out the other. He actually had to borrow money off me in the end of our relationship!
Post # 29
Do you really think marriage is a good idea for you two right now? It sounds like you can’t really trust him and I would hate to use someone’s past drug problems against them but several months ago doesn’t really seem like its been long enough for him to prove himself trustworthy. I don’t know when you plan on marrying him but I would wait it out to see if he holds to his end of the baragain. Money is the leading cause of divorce and I think your issues with trusting him with money and his past drug use are all enormous factors to overcome. I hope you can trust him again but like I always say trust is earned. Good luck to you.
Post # 30
I would stop any wedding talk until his is sober. Like a year sober. His addiction if still alive & will ruin things. Get a job & take care if yourself & your child.