(Closed) Financial Fight/text fight

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 76
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

When we were planning our wedding, my fiancé made almost 5x as much as me (software engineer vs. grad student). That was never relevant at all; we made financial decisions together.

A marriage should be a partnership. The fact that he makes more money than you doesn’t mean he gets to control all the finances, and it certainly doesn’t justify abuse.

Post # 77
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  This guy is not a good person and he is controlling you and your mind and emotions.  This is really hard, but you need to pack up your most important things and go to your mom.  Get some space.  Some real, physical space for a few days – not just separate bedrooms.  Then, I think you’ll have a chance to start seeing things a little more clearly and know what to do.

I know you love him, but think of it as loving him enough to not let him get away with this kind of behaviour.  It’s no good for him and it’s really dangerous and terrible for you.  

Post # 78
Member
1909 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

anon002 :  Why are you just sleeping in separate rooms? Leave!

Post # 79
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I know you feel you want to work at this and make it all better and “get back to normal” but that will never be with this man OR the new normal is this. 

You can do it alone, you don’t want to but you can. Trust me on this. Pack your bits, if you invested in the property speak to a lawyer, if not take a few “sick days” off work and get out of there while he is at work and leave him with a note saying you will not ever be treated like that again and he has shown you who the real waste of space is. Then leave him a link to this page and he can read what an abusive, spineless, asshole and POOR excuse for a real man he is thought by a LOT of women- JOG ON!

Post # 80
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

anon002 :  he leaned towards you and YELLED at you and then demands that you apologize!?!  GET OUT NOW! He’s an abusive jerk. You can’t depend on him to have a mature conversation when things get rough in your marriage. Leave him. 

Post # 81
Member
16 posts
Newbee

anon002 : oh my gosh, your Fiance sounds exactly like my Fiance, to a T! there is no reason AT ALL for that treatment or threats.  My Fiance has done that over and over again! You have nothing to feel bad about! I’m sorry to say it won’t change 🙁  Take care of YOU! Love and prayers to you xo

Post # 82
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

anon002 :  Thinking about you. Hope you’re doing okay. I really think you need to go stay with a friend or family member for the time being until you can think through things and decide on a plan of action.

Post # 83
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

faithenlv :  Not to derail this thread or anything, but I’ve noticed you’ve talked a lot lately (in the worthless bee thread) about how your Fiance is also abusive. I’m really hoping you’re making moves to get out of that situation. I’m thinking of you!

Post # 84
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

anon002 :  “He doesn’t see that he just sees he’s making way more and it’s not “fair”.  To him.”

I call BS on this if he thinks its unfair you make less money, this is something he has known for I am assuming at least as long as you have been dating. Run, run far away, now! He may end up resenting you later in life for stifling him and making less than him, and making him work harder to pay more bills than you, and I honestly don’t see him changing on that if he hasn’t yet. 

I make double what my Fiance makes, and I in NO WAY see it as unfair. I went to college and busted my butt to ensure I provided a life for myself and my future family and would not need to rely on a man to support me as some of my family members have. This is something I was set out to do regardless of if I fell in love with someone rich or poor. Would we be more financially comfortable if he did make more? Sure. Can we survive on what we are both currently making? Absolutely. Am I okay with the fact that I will always be the breadwinner and may need to work harder than him in a much higher stress job? Absolutely. This is why I went to college for 7 years, and why I am going back again next year for another degree. 

I don’t think I will ever resent him for making less than me, because I knew this from the second we started dating. We handle our finances in a “fair but not equal” manner, meaning I obviously contribute more to the house, groceries, nights out, etc. because I make more. At first, he was not comfortable with me buying things like dinner out or the entire grocery bill. But, I explained to him that we need to think of it as a “combined family income” and once he recognized that, he was okay with me paying for things. It sounds like your Fiance does NOT see it as a combined family income, his money is his and he doesn’t want to spend it on you. Doesn’t sound like the recipe for a good marriage at all. 

Post # 85
Member
9737 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Your “normal” right now is not okay. You do not need things to get back to normal. You need things to be BETTER! That will not happen while you are with an abusive man. This is not a man you should even be considering marrying. You can’t honestly want this to be the rest of your life? You can’t want to be with someone who constantly demeans you and lowers your self-esteem? 

You have a choice to make here. You can stay with him and this is how things will always be, unless they get worse because he won’t change and it will never be better. Or you can get out now because you know you deserve more out of life and things absolutely will be better. 

You seem to be ignoring everyone’s advice that you need to get out of this relationship and maybe that’s because we are all just a bunch of internet strangers. But if that’s the case then I urge you to show your original post to a friend or family member because I am 100% sure, no matter who you show this to, if they care about you at all they will tell you exactly what you’ve already been told here and maybe you just need a real live person to tell you it’s times to get the hell out in order to actually take this advice.

Post # 86
Member
16 posts
Newbee

llevinso :  I am, I have started to plan my exit. It’s very hard as i feel the same as the others do. It’s hard to make that first step and let go.  Although I really hate hearing about other women going through these things, it has helped me a lot to know I am not alone.  It just breaks my heart though :'( I wish there was more that I / We could do for anon002 and worthlessbee…and all of those out there!  I just keep praying for them.  Thank you so very much for reaching out to me, that means a lot xo  

Post # 87
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

faithenlv :  I’m so glad to hear that! It does help to hear these kinds of stories on here and know you’re not alone. I’m glad they have helped you. Be safe Bee and best of luck!

Post # 88
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry OP, but I agree with everyone else that there is no reason for you to stay. I know it’s hard- you thought you’d spend forever with him…but seriously, the way he talks to you and calls you stupid? That’s not a man who loves you…it’s someone who is deeply damaged. No matter HOW angry someone is with their spouse/partner, there is absolutely no excuse for name-calling or yelling in your face. He has anger issues, and it won’t get better from here. 

Please don’t marry him. 

Post # 89
Member
9977 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Girl, good bye and good riddance to bad rubbish.

Post # 90
Member
3019 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Name calling is NEVER okay. I don’t care what the fight is about. 

Him calling you stupid and an idiot over and over again is verbally abusive and a total dealbreaker. 

I would go to counseling if I were you to figure out why you fell for this empathy-challenged, abusive man attractive so you can do better with your next boyfriend.  

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