Financial Infidelity

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
  • poll: What would you do?
    Nothing - provide a bed and a hot meal in your house for your sister/niece when it all goes to shit : (24 votes)
    27 %
    Warn her about the mortgage criteria : (61 votes)
    68 %
    Go for broke - tell him too - he deserves to know : (3 votes)
    3 %
    Other. pls explain : (2 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 16
    706 posts
    Busy bee

    Does your sister show other signs of instability, poor choices, risky behaviour etc or this all strictly financial mismanagement? 

    It’s true that some people are just managing their money badly, living beyond their means etc. But is there a possibility it’s something more? My mom has bipolar disorder and I remember when I was growing up, she would spend recklessly during a ‘manic phase’. Please understand I’m not trying to diagnose your sister over the internet- I’m not saying she’s bipolar. But if there are other signs and symptoms on top of her reckless spending, it might change the conversation you have with her and the possibility you could persuade her to see a medical doctor who would be qualified to determine if this is more than simply repeated bad money management. 

    Post # 17
    1253 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2018 - The Venue, Barkisland, UK

    I’d definitely explain to her how mortgages applications work. I’d definitely encourage her to come clean but also to have a plan to pay it off. If she didn’t, I’d have to consider whether I would tell him, but as I’m not in the situation I can’t say for sure what I’d do.

    I would hate to be in either position:

    Hers, worrying that he’s about to find out at any moment

    His, when he realises that she’s been going along with his plans knowing full well they couldn’t go ahead. That’s far worse than being told in advance and able to do something about it.

    Additionally at this point does she have any security? I’m not sure how it works, assuming you’re in the US, but if he’s paying the mortgage and all the bills, and they aren’t married, is she entitled to any of their supposed joint assets?

    Post # 18
    5189 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    Why would she be entitled to any of the assets and why are they supposed joint assets? Right now she is a girlfriend living rent free in his house. BeeDD :  

    Post # 19
    2230 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    This isn’t actually a debt problem. That is just a symptom of the bigger problem- which is her horrible money management skills.


    Does she gamble? Other than that, I really can’t see how you spend $30K-$35K a year (estimating taxes, 401 deduction, and healthcare costs) on groceries and eating out and clothes. Conservatively speaking, that’s an average of $82 every day- for an entire year, all on incidentals. And she needs another $10K on top of that??


    Bee, if she knows she has this impending hurdle to clear with the mortgage check, she could theoretically buckle down and pay down her debts, and he’ll never be any the wiser…but what happens after the mortgage is signed?


    Since you think he’s not actually going to marry her, this is less urgent, but she sounds completely, and undeniably irresponsible. And he has no idea.

    Post # 20
    7865 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I can’t get over the fact that she makes $55k, has zero bills she’s responsible for, and somehow blows it all on “day to day living expenses.” 

    Post # 21
    3665 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

    Warn her about the mortgage stuff. She’s your sister. 

    Does she have a budget for her money? She said she doesnt trust herself with money, but maybe she needs a little more direction? 

    Post # 22
    1906 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    It’d be pretty cold hearted to not share information about the mortgage process with your sister. After that, stay out of it. It’s her relationship with her SO. If she was physically cheating, I’d give her time to tell and let her know if she didn’t, I’d tell him myself, but not for this. People keep all kinds of secrets from their partners. It’s not right, but it doesn’t give free license for others to get involved. 

    Post # 23
    9325 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I don’t even understand how you blow through $55k a year with no expenses.

    I would absolutely tell her that when they apply for a mortgage all of their debts etc will come to light. Everything. You can’t lie to the bank.

    I don’t think I would mention anything to the partner though-that’s between them. Frankly you know a bit too much about their financials as it is IMO.

    I wouldn’t be surprised if he breaks things off after finding out either.

    Post # 24
    1737 posts
    Bumble bee

    I wouldn’t say anything. This isn’t your business. The fact that her partner keeps everything separate already shows that he doesn’t trust her regarding money. He shouldn’t be completely blindsided by this. And what is the point of you letting her know about the mortage criteria? So she can hurry up and fix her debt behind his back? That seems worse. 

    Post # 25
    4539 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2017

    Get out of her life. People go bankrupt all the time because of stupid decisions, irresponsible actions and then hopefully learn their lesson the hard way. Your sister might need a kick in the bum. She’s never going to learn if you keep breathing over her shoulder, waiting to rescue her at a moments notice. Live your life and let her be.

    Post # 26
    1012 posts
    Bumble bee

    I don’t know if I consider this financial infedility as they aren’t married and don’t have any shared assets right now.  That said, it’s not your place to tell him about the loan.  See no harm in telling her about the mortgage process.

    Post # 27
    2009 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I don’t know all of the back story but I don’t really understand why this is worrying you so much.  If her boyfriend really wants financial fidelity and to know your sister’s finances I would think they would have some sort of joint arrangement but if it is all 100% separate I feel like she is free to do what she wants, including make bad decisions. They aren’t even engaged.  I would definitely warn my sister about having to declare debts and having credit checks run right in front of each other for a mortgage and even would suggest she talks to her boyfriend but then I would leave it at that and not give it anohter worry. 

    Post # 28
    6734 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    tiffanybruiser :  Right?!

    OP, are you sure your sister doesn’t have a gambling problem or a possible drug addiction? This money situation is just not adding up if it’s true what you say that she really doesn’t have anything to show for it. 

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