(Closed) Financial Responsibilites/Issues

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

The guest list can only get away from you if you let it. While most people come up with a way to divide it that works for them, it sounds like an equal division wasn’t made clear in the first place. Are your parents unhappy about the number of invitees from his side?

Aren’t the two of you contributing anything at all to the costs? It would have been nice to have you both cover the Rehearsal Dinner and not involve his GP’s, but now that he has, maybe they’ve given him a limit on how much they’re willing to spend. If they offered help, that’s one thing, but to be asked outright has probably put them in a position to set some parameters.

Post # 5
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@maryelaine25:  I think you be very honest with him. Sit down, and tell him that you think it is nice that he is trying to be considerate to his grandparents. However, that it is considered inappropriate not to let our wedding party bring their spouses and children. How would you feel if we were in a wedding party after we were married, and one of us couldn’t bring the other? I would try to, without being overly defensive say, my parents are paying for a lot of guests, even some that aren’t close to us, for our celebration. I think at least our wedding party should, who is very close to us, should have a good celebration at the rehearsal dinner. Remind him that they (the wedding party) are also paying some moolah too for this event.

Then, I would let go of the venue argument. He chose it, and it seems already set. If it is less formal, maybe that will be a nice, relaxing switch from the next day. Try to see it in a positive light. 🙂

Post # 6
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m not sure what flying in or not has to do with the rehearsal dinner, but he should not have asked his grandparents.  You are acting like your Fiance or his grandparents  “owe ” you more because your parents have decided to pay for the wedding.  I think that’s pretty unfair.  You parents’ generosity has nothing to do with his grandparents.  I imagine his grandparents are not in the same financial position as your parents.  I would pay for the rehearsal dinner on your own.  You’ve had the whole wedding handed to you already, and you sound a little ungrateful.  I think if you don’t like what is going on with the dinner, you should pay for it on your own. 

Post # 10
2715 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@maryelaine25:  I think you need to sit down with your Fiance and his grandparents and figure out a budget.  You can’t really move forward until you know how much you can spend and how much you want to spend.

Post # 11
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I think that the cost of the wedding vs. the cost of the rehearsal dinner are two separate issues, and it is kinda unfair of you to combine or compare them at this point.

If you had a problem with how many people your FI’s family was inviting to the wedding, you should have addressed that when it became and issue. If it’s only a problem now that he is concerned with the price his grandparents are paying for the Rehearsal Dinner, you can’t go back in time and get angry about it.

This is a very good lesson for the rest of your marriage. Set expectations early and work towards a common goal. It is not “you vs him” or “your family vs his family” anymore. If you set your budget and expectations for each event separately, and what you are planning falls within those budgets, then there are no issues. If you are going over on either one, then you can address what needs to be cut.

And, if you want a more expensive rehearsal dinner, than you can put up the additional cost to get what you want. It is not his family’s responsibility to provide an open wallet because you had a particular vision.

Post # 12
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@maryelaine25:  I get where you’re coming from and that would be frustrating but I wonder if there aren’t other issues at play here – namely that your FI feels his grandparents aren’t as well off as your parents?

Please try to keep in mind that his family is under no obligation to pay for anything for YOUR wedding.  The fact that your family has volunteered to pay for most of it doesn’t change that. 

It is not up to you or your Fiance to plan the rehearsal dinner YOU want and hand the bill over to his grandparents.  Ask them what they feel comfortable contributing and then you can either choose to work with that budget or add to it to have the event you want. 

Post # 14
2212 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@RunsWithBears:  +1

Find out how much the grandparents are willing to contribute, and pay for the rest of the Rehearsal Dinner yourself.  It doesn’t matter how much your parents spent vs. how much his family spent.  It’s YOUR wedding, and if you want more than his grandparents are able or willing to to pay for, you need to shoulder the additional cost.

Post # 16
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@maryelaine25:  Have you said that to him?  How about:

“You know, it bothers me that you don’t mind spending money freely when my family is paying but you’re very considerate when your family is paying.  Why is that?”

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