(Closed) Fince cheated what now?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

If you think for two second there’s a possibility of giving him a second chance I would NOT include my parents. Here’s where we go wrong…. We get mad, tell our parents, we get over it/make up, BUT our parents NEVER EVER FORGET IT! I think you should give him a second chance, and we all have to remember not one is free of flaws. We all mess up in some kind of way. If you do take him back, you’re going to have to learn to trust him again. Which means NO SNOOPING!!!!!! I know it’s hard… TRUST me I know… If you feel in your heart of hearts you should push the wedding back do that. Good luck sweets!

Post # 18
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You’re young, get out now. He says he will stop but chances are he probably won’t. He will stop for a while and once you let your guard down again, he’ll be back at it.  A man that loves a woman doesn’t chat with other women/send them pictures/etc.  Porn is one thing, but involving real people is completely different.  Cheating is NEVER a mistake, it’s a conscious choice that he knew was wrong.  He clearly has no respect for you if he was talking to other women on his phone RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!  At least have the decency to do it when you’re not home/he is away from the the house.

I honestly don’t think you guys are mature enough for marriage if the first thing you do when you have a problem is call his mother…

I guess I’d say I think you should leave personally, but I understand it’s not easy and understand why you’d want to give him a second chance.  If you choose to stay I definitely would not get married any time soon. You guys have plenty of time for marriage, don’t rush it.

And yes I would tell your parents the real reason why you are pushing the wedding back.  There is something fundamentally flawed in a relationship if you have to lie to others about your SO or the state of the relationship.   

Post # 19
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Lovemelovemyhorses:  +1  Always listen to your gut, every time I sensed something was wrong, it was!!!!!!!!!  Your gut always knows what’s going on, it’s just up to you to have the strength to stop being in denial and believe what it’s telling you!

Post # 20
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I am so sorry! First, don’t feel bad for going with your gut and wanting to know why something didn’t feel right with your guy. i personally don’t think that snooping is the best policy but you found something from doing it, didn’t you? The only blame here should be on him. 

 

And I’m not sure I agree that this is a porn issue. I guess it depends on how you define what porn is and what level of it is acceptable, but to me, what your fiancé was doing is not simply porn. He didn’t get onto a website meant for porn and watch videos or look at pictures of pornstars that he’ll never meet or actually communicate with. He went on to Craigslist and gave away his personal photo and made personal connections with real girls, probably in your area, and created the opportunity for interaction. To me, this is a lot closer to cheating than a harmless desire for a Jenna Jameson movie once in awhile. Who’s to say he wouldn’t have gone further and started texting or calling one of these girls or tried to meet up with her in person?

 

i definitely agree that couples counseling is a good idea, and if you feel like postponing the wedding is the right choice for you guys in the long run, discuss it with him. Good luck!

Post # 21
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

20/21 years old is so young to settle.  I think you should have a real conversation of, “Are you happy,” “Is marriage the right step for us right now,” and “do we want to see other people.”

Don’t marry someone you have doubts about, especially when you are young and in college!  Take this opportunity to meet as many new people as you can.  If, in a couple of years, things are better, then you should address “marriage” again. 

You really have all the time in the world right now, so why not take it! Smile

(And I second pp about bringing his mother into it.  Any issue that you have with him should be dealt with privately, as adults.  And never call names or start yelling during an argument.  It might make you feel better, but it’s not remotely helpful in conflict resolution.)

Post # 22
Member
5708 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Couples counseling and push the date back. I think he deserves a second chance becuase he didn’t act upon anything, like actually cheat. He cheated emotionally, but that can be mended with some counseling.

I would keep his mother, your family, and friends out of this. It isn’t their concern, and they are going to make matters worse, even if they do agree with you.

Just a side vent: Why the hell can’t people communicate anymore? Have we lost touch with each other that much that we have to go snooping on their phones and computers rather than just asking the other person straight out “what are you doing?” It’s sad because I can talk to my hubby about anything–or I can talk to anyone for that matter.

Post # 23
Member
2478 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

I can’t tell you what to do. I can only share what I would do. And while reading your post I tried to imagine myself in your shoes and I just shut down. I wouldn’t be able to trust him, if he went through all those lengths to go find some distraction somewhere else. He opened a secret account just to pull this off. 

And I don’t believe it when they are so quick to delete accounts in front of you and forever swear off porn and craigslist. I always think that when someone goes through such lengths to seem like they don’t like something…i find they often do.

Now I am a person who doesn’t see anything wrong with a little watching of porn from time to time (its healthy. And YouPorn is free). Now the thing about YouPorn, is it is good for a quick fix, if that is what a person needs. Bing Bang Boom, visual stumilation achieved and tention releaved. What he did was cruise for REAL LIVE women to communicate with and exchange pictures. THAT’s what I don’t like. It was’t some random, fantisy woman he sought out to forfill some nasty thought he had. No, he had to go and concoct this WHOLE dark secret account full of SHAME. SMH

I don’t know how I could trust someone who did that to me. I hope you make it through. But you are super young and no matter what YOU will be ok.

By The Way: how embarassing for him to have to admit he has done so much wrong to a woman IN FRONT OF HIS OWN MOTHER! SMH! Love the poetic justice of that.

 

Post # 24
Member
2336 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I would push back the wedding if it was me because I would need way more than a year to build my trust back. I would NOT tell my parents, as much as I might be tempted to because if you do manage to work it out & things get better, your parents will never forget his indiscretion & will always look at him differently. You can tell them you realized you need to work on some things within your relationship before you get married or whatever you want to tell them but I wouldn’t go into all the details if I was you.

 

Post # 25
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Lovemelovemyhorses:  “Ya know, I get sick of the whole ‘you have trust issues’ thing. When you’re in a relationship and know someone really well, you know when they are acting different, and if you ask about it and don’t get an answer, and you have a gut feeling (and by the way, that is known as a ‘second brain’ and is accurate more often than not) then I can’t say I blame you for snooping. I’ve never felt the need to snoop, but i’m not going to judge you for it, because in that situation I could do the same thing.”

 

This is so true! There is a reason why we have intuition and too many people ignore it! Sometimes someone’s actions are just not trust-worthy. That does not mean that the person questioning has trust issues! Sheesh!

View original reply
@megz06:  Why don’t we ask? I did…with my ex husband…and he would LIE and LIE and LIE. He was very good at it honestly even all his old friends that have known him since childhood say that. He would lie even when I had PROOF in my hand. Someone that is being this deceitful is going to lie to cover his behavior.

And actually after having typed that something hit me and I went back through the OP. She asked him what he was doing and he replied nothing…so she did just ask!

Post # 26
Member
2706 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

I don’t know why you told his Mom so no don’t tell your parents – especially if you’re planning on staying with him.  I can’t judge the rest of your relationship but I wouldn’t be ok with all this sneaky-ness.

Post # 27
Member
5708 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Luayne: Point taken 🙂 I guess I meant more so talk first and then investigate if you feel he is really lying, which is what it sounds like you did. So many go for snooping before they actually give their husband the chance to admit what he did and talk it over. I guess I should have clarified.

Post # 28
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

@Luayne:  Sheesh!! Thank you!!  If he is going behind her back sending pictures of himself then lied about it, clearly her trust is not the issue!! 

I spent 3 years in a relationship with someone who could look me directly in the eye and lie to me.  I knew something was up.. Not enough for me to leave him but I felt something wasn’t right.. so i snooped.  Once he left his computer up and he left a craigslist ad up for sex with no strings attached.  

He said that he was just looking and that it was just for fun.  He cried and swore he wouldn’t do it again.  I didn’t believe him so I actually posted an anonymous ad on there asking for sex with no strings.  Much to my horror he responded to it. 

Now i’m with someone who I can trust and I don’t snoop at all.  We as women know when something is off.

OP I’m sorry to say it but I think you need to postpone the wedding and try to rebuild your trust in him.

Post # 29
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

@Beaukat:  Did you read her post?  He was not just looking at porn.  He was messaging girls and asking for pictures.  That is crossing the line. 

Post # 30
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Run. You are young, you have plenty of time to find someone who treats you the way you deserve.

 

Post # 31
Member
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

@Pepper92:  My Fiance goes on craiglist all the time and puts ad’s to get pictures of girls. The only diffeneces is he tell me. I could care less it’s just like looking at porn and Im right there when he is doing it…

I would give him another chance, AS LONG AS HE NEVER MET UP WITH ANYONE! Poeple make mistakes and I feel like this is one that can be forgiven! Chin up lady! I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do! 🙂

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