(Closed) Finding balance with husband and parents – advice requested (long)

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I didn’t see that this was in “newlyweds” until I read it, but I figure I can still put my two cents in even if I’m not married yet.

In my mind, I don’t think you’re changing your allegiance from your husband to your family. It is not as though you are shoving him aside just because. This is a specific circumstance where your mother depends on you for emotional support. A death in the family is very tragic, and your husband shouldn’t expect you to turn your back on your mother. If he was 100% fine with you going to Vienna, it isn’t fair for him to take it back now. Not only have you committed to the trip by investing time (and money?), you have committed to your mother and he shouldn’t have you back out of committments with your family. I don’t think you’re off base for wanting to move ahead with the trip, and I think you should talk to your husband (though I’m sure you already have) about how this trip isn’t just about you, it’s about something much bigger than that. It’s about your relationship with your mom, helping her through her grieving process, and giving her something to look forward to. I hope it works out for you.

Post # 5
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think if you have already been seeing your family less, it is only fair you get to take this one long trip.  As @whitwhit: said, this is a very difficult time and taking a trip is probably very important for her right now.  I am sure if the same thing happened to a member of your husband’s family, you would “allow” him to go without an issue.  I don’t mean allow like you control him or anything, I just can’t think of a better word.

Post # 6
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with @whitwhit

Good luck working this out, OP! Hope your husband comes around and is able to understand the situation a little better.

Post # 7
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

it’s completely fine for you to do this trip!  i spend a lot of time without Fiance with my friends and family and one of the reasons I love him is that he is ok with me doing that and knows how important those people are in my life!  plus, you have already said you’re going and it’s his fault for not being honest about it to begin with… so you have nothing to feel badly about. and enjoy Vienna!!!

Post # 8
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think you need to try to work on the buidling resentment Darling Husband has with the way you are spending your time before you proceed.  I say this, realizing that I think deep down he is fine with the trip – but perhaps he’s sad he isn’t joining you and/or resents that money will be taken from the nest-egg you are trying to create.  

Put yourself in his shoes –  meaning, if he was starting to spend a lot of time with him family and you were starting to feel strange about it – how would you want him to respond.

Again – I don’t think it’s necessarily cancelling the trip that’s at stake (even though I realize it feels like it) – because I don’t really feel this is about a 10-day trip –  but the overall feeling of being neglected.

And – I know that your reasoning is completely justified (ie: you guys talked about your need to see your family pre-move, there is a higher need  than normal, etc.).  AND I think it’s great you mentioned it to him.  But, even if you are in the ‘right’, it still makes the way he feels valid and a sad situation (even though no one did anything ‘wrong’) – if that makes any sense.

Post # 9
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I wouldn’t cancel this trip since you’ve already started to plan it and committed to it. But in the future, I would recommend that you plan trips with your husband first, then see how you can fit in your parents the rest of the year. So that way you’re giving him and your relationship first priority (i.e. you’ve both always wanted to see the pyramids so you book that vacation in advance before deciding when to spend a week with your Mom).

Also, after the baby comes you can start requiring parents to come to YOU instead of the other way around. That will greatly cut down on your traveling and give you a little more space since you can ask them to stay in a hotel while visiting.

I’m speaking from experience since we also have 3 sets of parents to visit and 2 sets live a plane  ride away. It’s been a challenge and everyone has had to make sacrifices, but it works. I think the thing that saves my sanity is giving first priority to what Darling Husband and I want to do while just knowing in the back of our minds we will see our parents whenever possible. We’ve also asked them to start coming to see us since we have spent so much of our disposable income on plane tickets and our limited vacation days are practically cut in half off the bat from having to travel to see them so much.

Post # 12
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@hergreenapples: how did the conversation go when he felt like you were spending too much time over there?  Perhaps he feels like the accelerated time with your mom will be a permanent thing.

I totally understand what you mean, though – I went through something similar with Darling Husband (although with spending time with friends not family – although, I have a similar worry with my mom and always touch base with him about that too).  

At the end of the day – your primary responsibility is to him and how he may be feeling.  If I were in your shoes I would sincerely approach it from a standpoint of being willing to cancel the trip and see what he says (and I say ‘sincerely’ to be meant without any bitterness or anger about it).  I think that would show him that he is #1 (which is where the resentment is building).  If he takes you up on that, be prepared to follow-through…. but, I think he just needs to FEEL where your loyalty lies.  But, again – I’ll say – I don’t think it it’s about going or not going on the trip….so, if you really want to take the trip – perhaps hold off on saying that, and just approach it from a:  how do we need to deal with you feeling like I’m spending too much time away from you……  

Post # 14
2201 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

You mentioned that your mom has offered to pay for the trip now – was that part of the equation when Darling Husband turned down the vacation originally? If not, maybe he’s upset about missing out on the trip and that your mom has only offered to pay now that he’s not going.

If when you first discussed the trip, she hadn’t offered to pay, I would go back to her and ask if the offer also extends to Darling Husband because he might be interested in going, but didn’t think you’d both be able to attend, so he bowed out. Then, if she’s okay paying his portion, bring it up again and say “when mom offered to pay, she offered to pay for both of us. Now that the expense won’t affect our TTC savings, would you like to come along?”

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