(Closed) Finding it Hard- your advice please

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Wow. I find it very selfish and quite horrible of him to bot only back out of a proposal but then have the nerve to get mad at you when you bring it up on what sounds like very rare occasions.

You do need to bash this out. You need to tell him how deeply that hurt and that you would like to know if he is ever planning on it because if he isnt you need to then decide if youre content with that or if you need to move on

 Tell him exactly that. He sounds like he isnt taking you or your feelings into account and thats not really a good sign.

I understand depressed people have it hard and all and that would explai  him bscking out even though its still shitty, but for him to get mad when you bring it up is really insensitive and cruel of him and you deserve better than to be yoyod.

 

Post # 3
Member
9524 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I’m tired, brain gone so I may have missed something. You are frustrated with your job because you work too hard and paid too little for it? He gets mad when you bring it up? And it is putting off a proposal and he getting annoyed if you talk about weddings? 

 

Your  job is your business, if you need to make changes then he should support you, not get mad and frustrated. This is causing the proposal to be delayed and it frustrates you? You both need to sit down, discuss finances and see what improvements can be made on both ends. If you need to take major steps to further your career then you need to figure out loans, and you both need to figure out how you will fair financially. A proposal shouldn’t hinge on this and you shouldn’t be scared of his temper to bring it up. Would he be willing to do a timeline? Although, with some of the posts on here that might get tricky.

Post # 5
Member
9524 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Ah, I thought I was nuts (well, more an normal). Glad to hear it is separate but still not right he gets mad at you bringing it up. Most people go through that frustration, it’s completely normal. Up to you to accept your career woes or change it.

 

As for the waiting… I’m of little help there. Timeline but again, could be tricky. Can you list why it is important to you? To solidify the relationship, tax breaks, ect… And find why he is stalling? Finding the time both are ready is tricky and takes comprimise. Like anything in a relationship it takes communication. If that is an issue, sounds like it is, then communication issues should definately be added to the list.

Post # 7
Member
2317 posts
Buzzing bee

I see three issues:

1- Finances, 2- communication, 3-expectations

Your SO many not feel financially ready to get engaged.  If you are having to cancel vacations because of tight finances he may not be showing that it bothers him but it probally does.  Most men want to feel that they can financially handle marriage.  This is where communication and expectations are so important.  Sounds like you both were not on the same page.  If you expect to go on vacation and you both agree, that is something you can plan for.  Unexpected things do happen and maybe a scaled back staycation is the compromise but the thing is you need to voice your expectations.  

If he is struggling with depression, you need to know that if you are together it will be your struggle too.  What ever issue he was facing he needs to let you in.  That way when things do not go as planned, you do not feel angry about it but rather accept it with understanding.  This will be diffcult but it is really important.  Why would he hide things that are going on with him and not share with you.  

There are several reasons that people back out of proposals.  Again communication is very important since it is now “on the table”  He needs to beable to tell you some of what he is thinking.  He may not understand how it made you feel.  He may perceive you as whining allthe time about it. But you need to tell him exactly how you feel, such as “When I discovered that you wanted to propose to me I was excited, when it didnt happen i was disappointed and i have since begun to question if you want to be with me and do not feel secure.” Just put the facts out there.  

Then both of you have to be on the same page about expectations for the relationship.  Were you brining up marriage before you found out about the pending proposal? Maybe the fact that you found out made him panic about the gravity of the commitment.  If you are expecting him to propose within a certain time period he should know that.  If he has a timeline for the whole thing you need to know that.  I think once you start communicating better you may find the relationship will progress at its own pace.  and a proposal will be right around the corner.

Post # 8
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think struggling with depression is a valid reason to postpone marriage.  And if you can’t afford a vacation now, maybe he’s concerned about the cost of a ring, a wedding, and a honeymoon? 

Two things I would do: 1) Focus on the marriage issue.  If you need to discuss your next career move, maybe it can wait until tomorrow?  Don’t let your frustration with work magnify your relationship frustration.  2)  Focus on your own feelings, how happy it made you feel to think a proposal was coming, how insecure and unappreciated it makes you feel to wait.  Don’t accuse him of being uncaring or stringing you along.      

Post # 9
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

(((((hugs)))))) Even if career & engagement are 2 separate issues, they interconnect where your self esteem and sense of security are, and I think right now you’re feeling undervalued. Undervalued at work because you’re not being recognized or appreciated & your paycheque reinforces this (been there!) And undervalued in your relationship because he was going to propose, then didn’t, & now you feel like you’re in relationship limbo because he hasn’t been clear on why he postponed or what his current/ future intentions are.

Tell him how important open communication is to you, and that not being able to talk about why he didn’t propose last year, what his intentions are now etc has left you full of unanswered questions and unhappiness. I agree that if he was struggling with depression at the time, this is a valid reason & must have been very hard on you both- but it sounds like you’ve stuck by him and tried to be understanding and supportive. He needs to be understanding and supportive of your feelings as well, not become abrasive and have ‘off limits’ topics such as weddings.

As for your career, you will have to make some decisions if you’re not happy or financially secure at this job. Is there any room for advancement or negotiation where you are or is it a dead end? Deciding whether to stay or look for alternatives is something that will be up to you to decide, but it’s frustrating and stressful and tied into your self esteem so having to deal with career and money on top of relationship issues isn’t easy. I hope your SO will support and encourage your dilemma. If money is tight for him as well, his own self esteem may be affected too, even if he doesn’t show it if you have to postpone or cancel an upcoming holiday. I really hope this all works out for both of you (((((more hugs))))))

Post # 11
Member
2317 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
WhiteRose07:  I am glad everything worked out for you.  Sounds like he wants to make you very happy! 

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