Post # 1
Apologies in advance, this is going to be long. But I would like other peoples take on things before I shove my huge feet in anything.
We have been excitedly planning a short break in May sometime. Last night we realised that funds are tight and we might not be able to go.
I was immediately disappointed like visibly, my problem is that now when we plan to go somewhere I hope in heart of hearts that this time will be our time, so far it never has been. When we decided we couldn’t really afford it, he didn’t seem bothered, so in my head I’m thinking oh well he wasn’t planning for anything anyway why would he be???
this morning he asked me what’s wrong as I was quiet. I started by telling him that I’m fed up of working so hard and not getting a wage to reflect that. Unfortunately I got on to the subject of last year when he was going to propose and decided against it. I found out and I wish I never had. He got mad I brought it up ‘again’ and that was that. Anyway he’s messaged me and told me we need to get things bashed out once and for all tonight, so, along with making plans for careers changes etc he wants me to air how I feel about his decisions last year.
In honesty, it has broken my heart, he could never give me a reason why he backed out, just that he was going through some personal depressive issues. But here we are 7 months down the line and still nothing, and he is so abrasive if I ever talk weddings. it makes me feel like he doesn’t care.
I love this man deeply, to the point of unconditionally. But I would like others takes on how to broach this before I go in all guns blazing. I am currently writing down points I would like to raise. But I’m so scared in case it puts off any hopes/plans of a future engagement.
Post # 2
Wow. I find it very selfish and quite horrible of him to bot only back out of a proposal but then have the nerve to get mad at you when you bring it up on what sounds like very rare occasions.
You do need to bash this out. You need to tell him how deeply that hurt and that you would like to know if he is ever planning on it because if he isnt you need to then decide if youre content with that or if you need to move on
Tell him exactly that. He sounds like he isnt taking you or your feelings into account and thats not really a good sign.
I understand depressed people have it hard and all and that would explai him bscking out even though its still shitty, but for him to get mad when you bring it up is really insensitive and cruel of him and you deserve better than to be yoyod.
Post # 3
I’m tired, brain gone so I may have missed something. You are frustrated with your job because you work too hard and paid too little for it? He gets mad when you bring it up? And it is putting off a proposal and he getting annoyed if you talk about weddings?
Your job is your business, if you need to make changes then he should support you, not get mad and frustrated. This is causing the proposal to be delayed and it frustrates you? You both need to sit down, discuss finances and see what improvements can be made on both ends. If you need to take major steps to further your career then you need to figure out loans, and you both need to figure out how you will fair financially. A proposal shouldn’t hinge on this and you shouldn’t be scared of his temper to bring it up. Would he be willing to do a timeline? Although, with some of the posts on here that might get tricky.
Post # 4
thankyou, I have decided that I will bring up the two main points which hurt me and haven’t allowed me to move on. 1. Although he feels justified in the decision he made he has never looked at it from my point of view to appreciate what it meant for me. 2. Because he is so stand offish with regards to weddings etc it makes me feel like there is no end in sight to my waiting.
the two points are completely separate but because I have been bottling up, once there was a gap to vent through I took it. He certainly supports any careers decision I make and vice versa, our relationship is very much that of a married couple except there’s one problem… We aren’t married, or engaged.
Post # 5
Ah, I thought I was nuts (well, more an normal). Glad to hear it is separate but still not right he gets mad at you bringing it up. Most people go through that frustration, it’s completely normal. Up to you to accept your career woes or change it.
As for the waiting… I’m of little help there. Timeline but again, could be tricky. Can you list why it is important to you? To solidify the relationship, tax breaks, ect… And find why he is stalling? Finding the time both are ready is tricky and takes comprimise. Like anything in a relationship it takes communication. If that is an issue, sounds like it is, then communication issues should definately be added to the list.
Post # 6
oh dear I think because I was on a rant I haven’t made myself too clear… The only thing he gets mad at is me bringing up the past engagement gone wrong stuff… Maybe its because he feels guilty? I don’t know…
i think tonight when I get home I will be bringing up the two points I mentioned in my last comment along with the idea that I need some kind of timeline, a light at the end of the tunnel.
p.s. This morning hasn’t been made any easier by three people in the office coming in and announcing their engagements (face plant).
thanks for your time, I really appreciate other peoples views as sometimes I can get a little lost in everything!
Post # 7
I see three issues:
1- Finances, 2- communication, 3-expectations
Your SO many not feel financially ready to get engaged. If you are having to cancel vacations because of tight finances he may not be showing that it bothers him but it probally does. Most men want to feel that they can financially handle marriage. This is where communication and expectations are so important. Sounds like you both were not on the same page. If you expect to go on vacation and you both agree, that is something you can plan for. Unexpected things do happen and maybe a scaled back staycation is the compromise but the thing is you need to voice your expectations.
If he is struggling with depression, you need to know that if you are together it will be your struggle too. What ever issue he was facing he needs to let you in. That way when things do not go as planned, you do not feel angry about it but rather accept it with understanding. This will be diffcult but it is really important. Why would he hide things that are going on with him and not share with you.
There are several reasons that people back out of proposals. Again communication is very important since it is now “on the table” He needs to beable to tell you some of what he is thinking. He may not understand how it made you feel. He may perceive you as whining allthe time about it. But you need to tell him exactly how you feel, such as “When I discovered that you wanted to propose to me I was excited, when it didnt happen i was disappointed and i have since begun to question if you want to be with me and do not feel secure.” Just put the facts out there.
Then both of you have to be on the same page about expectations for the relationship. Were you brining up marriage before you found out about the pending proposal? Maybe the fact that you found out made him panic about the gravity of the commitment. If you are expecting him to propose within a certain time period he should know that. If he has a timeline for the whole thing you need to know that. I think once you start communicating better you may find the relationship will progress at its own pace. and a proposal will be right around the corner.
Post # 8
I think struggling with depression is a valid reason to postpone marriage. And if you can’t afford a vacation now, maybe he’s concerned about the cost of a ring, a wedding, and a honeymoon?
Two things I would do: 1) Focus on the marriage issue. If you need to discuss your next career move, maybe it can wait until tomorrow? Don’t let your frustration with work magnify your relationship frustration. 2) Focus on your own feelings, how happy it made you feel to think a proposal was coming, how insecure and unappreciated it makes you feel to wait. Don’t accuse him of being uncaring or stringing you along.
Post # 9
(((((hugs)))))) Even if career & engagement are 2 separate issues, they interconnect where your self esteem and sense of security are, and I think right now you’re feeling undervalued. Undervalued at work because you’re not being recognized or appreciated & your paycheque reinforces this (been there!) And undervalued in your relationship because he was going to propose, then didn’t, & now you feel like you’re in relationship limbo because he hasn’t been clear on why he postponed or what his current/ future intentions are.
Tell him how important open communication is to you, and that not being able to talk about why he didn’t propose last year, what his intentions are now etc has left you full of unanswered questions and unhappiness. I agree that if he was struggling with depression at the time, this is a valid reason & must have been very hard on you both- but it sounds like you’ve stuck by him and tried to be understanding and supportive. He needs to be understanding and supportive of your feelings as well, not become abrasive and have ‘off limits’ topics such as weddings.
As for your career, you will have to make some decisions if you’re not happy or financially secure at this job. Is there any room for advancement or negotiation where you are or is it a dead end? Deciding whether to stay or look for alternatives is something that will be up to you to decide, but it’s frustrating and stressful and tied into your self esteem so having to deal with career and money on top of relationship issues isn’t easy. I hope your SO will support and encourage your dilemma. If money is tight for him as well, his own self esteem may be affected too, even if he doesn’t show it if you have to postpone or cancel an upcoming holiday. I really hope this all works out for both of you (((((more hugs))))))
Post # 10
thankyou everyone for your views, I used your help and my feelings to portray just what I wanted to last night. He said he was so sorry as he hasn’t taken the time to look at it from my point of view before. He said in his mind he took the right decision although it was hard, parked it and moved on. He said because it didn’t mean he will never ask he didn’t think of it hurting me.
He says he hates timelines as he doesn’t want to be held to doing something that he will do anyway. he just wants it to be a sweet surprise, I explained that I can’t just get rid of it out of my mind now and that at every occasion I will always hope. He explained that when it happens it won’t necessarily be a case of an occasion over him feeling like this is the right time, he quipped that he might even ask when we are in our jammies one day haha.
anyway he ended that conversation by telling me he loves me to the ends of the earth and never, ever wants to be without me.
So all in all I think I can perhaps try to file away these feelings of frustration and enjoy our time in the waiting phase.
Thankyou all for giving me the courage to talk Openly. It has really been a positive experience.
Post # 11
I am glad everything worked out for you. Sounds like he wants to make you very happy!