Post # 1
Ok, so let me preface this by saying that I am not perfect, SO is not perfect, we as a couple are not perfect, but overall I think we are doing pretty good in terms of the whole loving each other and communicating and respecting each other and having each other’s backs thing.
I have a couple of friends – let’s call them Jane and Sue – whose SO’s (one is married and the other is recently engaged) are making me want to smack them upside the heads and say “Are you seriously wanting to be with this person for the rest of your life???” Jane’s husband is a selfish jerk who spends all his time and money on his hobby, gives her to-do lists when he is away on business (which is constantly) and also here is the kicker – she wants kids, said he was cool with it, til after they got married. Now he doesn’t even want a dog (her Plan B). Also today she told me she is going to buy herself a little treat tonight for herself, but she won’t go too nuts since she doesn’t want him to get upset when he sees the bank balance. Um, really? He’s allowed to spend $$$$ on his hobby and she can’t buy a tube or two of lipstick? Give me a break!
Sue’s fiancee drinks and gets nasty and mean and accuses Sue of not doing a thing to help when all she does is bend over backwards to help with his children. She was married before and dealt with similar behavior. We all thought this guy was a prince until last summer (when he basically moved himself into her house).
Help, Bees. It is so hard for me to keep a lid on my feelings, and I know that to be a good friend you should support your friends and be there for them, but gah – when it is so plainly obvious they are with selfish people I want to make it better! Of course, since I almost never complain about SO (and really, we have some issues but nothing near the range of that – he is respectful of me, does not police my money, and we are giggly and fun when we drink together) they hear my concerns and probably think I am a know it all and yeah her life is perfect.
So so frustrated… Maybe just a rant but gah. Feels like I am banging my head up against a brick wall. 🙁
Post # 3
I know just how you feel, I once had a friend tell me not to tell her husband that she was the one who drove to the mall since he monitors her gas and mileage. Umm ok. That kind of behavior sends me over the edge. Same friend felt the need to ASK him if it was ok that she was preggo and was he mad as though she had done it by herself. Made me livid. We can’t say anything though because these are the kind of guys that will cut you out of the friends life so fast if they hear you’ve said anything. I think they look for women that can’t stand up for themselves or have had crummy fathers boyfriends etc. So sad and frustrating!
Post # 4
eugh. it can be hard to bite your tongue in these situations. i know someone whose fi thought it appropriate to tell her in a group setting that she’d put on weight, was getting fat and really shouldnt be eating that slice of cake. this was coupled with little put downs about her not being good at various things/
thing is, they wont thank you for saying “your man is an idiot.”. they only thing you can do is behind the scenes support, so for your friends “i think its so greta that you help out with his kids so much, hes lucky to have someone who takes care of him so well. dont forget to take care of yourself too!”
not much you can say to a woman who wants kids and whose husband has decided he now doesnt. thats a tough situation
Post # 5
@newname_99: I think that is an excellent idea – bite my tongue and not say “wow, what an ASS!” or “gee, think he can give up some of his hobby time to be with you?” I should try and encourage other things. One friend is my BFF< the other is relatively new.
The whole kid thing gets me to no end. She mentioned something once about how she hopes my SO doesn’t turn off the “boyfriend” switch when we get married. She says hers stopped spoiling her and did the 180 on the kid thing. Kids were a big part of our early discussions as a couple when talking about the future. I was going through something at the time and when the possibility of me not being able to have any came up he said he wants me no matter what. One of many reasons I knew he was a keeper!
It’s so hard to hear this crap on a daily basis but I guess that’s why the Bee is here, to vent as well as all the fun stuff!
Post # 6
Best thing to do is not give adviced unless asked to.. these girls just might be venting and will take offense to you “dissing” their SOs.
Workin in a salon you hear all kinds of situations from clients and I dont say anyting when someone is venting other than “oh that sucks” unless they are straight up asking ‘what would you do’ or “what should I do”.
Post # 7
OP you need to realize that your expectations of a relationship and what you will deal with are not the same as your friends. They are in the situation they are in because they choose to be in it. Just be there for the fall out and thank your lucky stars you are not involved with their SO.
Post # 8
@Metalkisses: Completely agree. I know if it were me any additional comments to any I’d make would just seem like “piling on” and that doesn’t make anyone feel particularly good. My BFF is fully aware she is in a somewhat crap situation. She’s trying to make it better and god please let it get better before they get married. Or I will be cracking some skulls. 🙁
adaisyandarose : This is exactly it as well. I chose to be in my situation just like they chose to be in theirs. I had a friend once who said she would never put up with what her friend put up with, and her friend said the same thing in regard to my friend’s relationship. Every woman has a threshold of what they will take. I just hope both my friends realize there is better out there and it doesn’t have to be this way.
Thanks for letting me vent!
Post # 9
I think the best thing is to just be there for them and hope they come around. With my ex-H he was horrible, monitored MY money while he spent outrageous amounts on his hobby, called me fat, watched what I ate etc and none of my friends or family said anything…until I left him. Then it was like a floodgate opened for how much they hated how he treated me, what a pompus ass he was etc. Even though deep down I knew it if anyone had said anything before I was ready to leave I would have defended him and gotten mad at whomever said it.
I think you can just be a good supportive friend and maybe sneak in comments about how the one woman does so much for her Darling Husband that she deserves to splurge on herself and the other one does so much for her SO’s kids etc. Point out what good they do and maybe they will start to realize how much they do for their SO’s and stop letting them run the show.
Post # 10
@Bazinga: With my BFF, near the end of her first marriage the floodgates were open and thriving… Poor thing, but she knew she was doing the right thing by divorcing that lying, cheating, alcoholic slug. On a good day, I love her fiance – he usually treats her great, they do lots of stuff together, he’s good to her, but the more I hear, the less shine Prince Charming has. And it sucks because I was really hoping he’d be good for her.
Excellent idea about building them up instead of making comments that will just tick them off. Nothing like the power of positive thinking!