(Closed) Finding living together hard

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Living together is a big transition. I would sit down and write out all the weekly chores, then divide them between you two. Also, you should talk about your expectations – maybe you need one night “off” to be with your friends each week. If that’s true, let him know. You should talk about how you feel and come up with a compromise that makes you both happy. 

Post # 4
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Living with ANYONE is difficult…

Especially so if one has lived on their own for awhile.

It has only been 4 months for you guys…

The first year of Marriage is a real adjustment period for people… MORE SO if one didn’t live together beforehand.

Post Wedding, routine can seem very much be a HUGE let down for many people…

Up – Work – Home – Tired – Cook – Eat – Clean – Tv – Bed…

Many of us have this routine… the trick is to make this crappy day-to-day stuff easier, so you can enjoy the Weekends and other bits of time chisselled out here and there worthwhile.

A division of chores can be a good start.  And LOTS of communication about what you BOTH need from this Relationship

Draw up a list / plan

There should be a mix of Work Time – Play Time – Couple Time – and Personal Time

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 6
Member
11343 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@sandygirl:  

I definitely can relate to some parts of your story. Those of us who were single into our 40s and beyond prior to marriage (I was 47) had many years to live our lives according to our own ways of doing things, and it is often very difficult to begin to merge our formerly independent lives with that of another person.

I married someone who had been married previously and who has an extremely demanding job (senior pastor of a church), has multiple children, and who has an activities schedule that is quite full, leaving very, very little time or energy for me. We met online and had a long-distance relationship, and I eventually had to sell my house, resign my high-paying and very rewarding job, leave all of my friends, leave my church (which I absolutely loved and in which I was very active), switch denominations, and relocate from a vibrant, major metropolitan area to a very small town in a very rural area of another state where I knew no one outside of my husband and his children and a handful of people I had met from his church.

After experiencing a cyclone of activity (living apart for half of each week and commuting once a week between his area and mine so that I could keep my job until after my house sold, selling and buying houses and moving, etc.), I suddenly found myself living in a world I did not recognize and in the midst of a very real identity crisis. I KNEW who I had BEEN and how to succeed in my former, very happy life. I knew how to thrive in the corporate world and in a big city, where I had 25 years’ worth of wonderful friendships and experience living my former life. Unfortunately, I had very little experience as a wife, pastor’s wife, stepmother, dog owner, resident of a small town in a rural area, and person who could not find any type of job in her field. I went from having a lot of freedom and independence to someone who had very little control over anything in her own life.

I was not at all prepared for how MUCH change I ultimately experienced in a very compressed amount of time. I experienced what felt very much like — and was indeed — the death of much of who I had been. And, I don’t mind telling you, she was a person whom I eventually had grown to like and whose life I did not want to see end, lol. Because of this, I experienced a LOT of grief. All death is painful. However, as I wrote on another thread yesterday about the hardest thing about being married, we need to be willing to experience the end of something if we are ever to begin something new.

I’ve heard it said that marriage is the death of two single people, and, especially for those of us who lived many decades alone before entering into it, I think there is a great deal of truth to that. However, marriage also brings with it the wonderful opportunity to begin living life with someone else and to grow and change in ways we never could have experienced on our own. It is often a very difficult and painful process, but it is also full of blessings and joy.

Post # 7
Member
7652 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I found the same thing. In that same token, I found that making the transition from an apt to a house is an even BIGGER challenge. When you have more space you feel more entitled, and when you both own it equally it gets hard to share. My husband and I have had some power struggles with what to do with the house, and we have only been there two weeks.

It gets better though. Your Darling Husband just needs to help you out, and when something bothers you guys, you need to talk about it so you don’t overstep each other’s boundaries. Communication is going to be your saving grace. If you decide to keep your mouth shut because you don’t want to nag, you will begin to feel like a prisoner in not only your home, but your marriage too.

Post # 8
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@sandygirl:  Well… this is why the old saying goes that the first year of marriage is the hardest. It’s a lot of adjustment. Change = difficult for most people.

Since most people live together prior to marriage these days, they got most of the difficulties over with. I don’t think many couples find that moving in together is 100% smooth sailing.

Is he completely refusing to do any laundry/housework? That’s not acceptable IMO. In today’s day and age, men should be helping out with the chores.

I don’t really have much advice for you… basically it’s just something you need to work out… but it is normal to have some issues adjusting, and feeling a bit confined. I share a one bedroom apartment with my SO and my cat, and it is small. Hopefully you will get that house soon!

Post # 10
Member
676 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@sandygirl:  If he does not mind you going out, then go ahead and go! My husband always feels like he should not leave me at home; however, he is much more social than I am and a lot of the time I would rather have some alone time than to go out into situations that I feel bored/forced into socializing.

My husband is similar in that he seems to lack initiative around the house. Even if I have to run out to take care of errands, or am working when he is off of work, he will tell me how bored he is all day and yet the clothes are still in the dryer, the dishes are not washed, and he has not taken the dogs to run or swim. 

I think you need to do some things that get you out of the apartment, either with him or alone, and get some stress release and relaxation in the way that suits you. Then you can feel more refreshed and hopefully less stifled by the day to day tasks of life.

Post # 11
Member
676 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@sandygirl:  I will also add that minimizing clutter and keeping your decorations light and bright can help keep an open feeling to the space. Right now the house we live in feels like a dungeon half of the time just because of the way it is designed and maybe the direction it faces, and it makes the house feel claustrophobic and wears me out, so I know how you feel

Post # 12
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

OMG. I totally get it. I do!!

First, I want to give you a virtual hug and tell you it WILL get better and it’s temporary. Second, I would like to suggest a book called “Emotionally Engaged”. I know you are married but it’s for engaged and newly married women. It talks about all the transitions we go through that no one ever tells us! It’s been a huge help to me right now.

 

I am in the midst of a huge transition with all this…I moved in with Fiance in Oct. He’s the third guy I’ve lived with so it’s not new to live with a man but to live with a guy on this level of commitment is different! Plus, he has a son, we see half the time and that’s been quite a change too. I cry a lot to Fiance that this doesn’t feel like my home. It doesn’t smell like “me”. So much is not me. I have had a really, really hard time with it. We are slowly repainting in things we like…okay me, but he gets lots of input. And I look forward to us registering because then it will be “our” things to  look forward to getting. Here is what I suggest that’s helped me so far:

 

– Make/keep plans with your friends

– Pick up a new hobby or continue one you had even before you met Fiance

– Burn candles, have things that smell like you or stuff you like

– If you had towels from your previous home, use those. This helped a lot for some reason…they were comforting to me.

– Eat comforting foods/cook foods you love

– Watch movies/tv you would have watched before you lived together

– Cry when you feel like it. Just let it out. And if you like, journal how you feel

– Cuddle your stuffed animals, blankets…things that bring you comfort.

 

There have been times I’m so upset in this transition I get this strong urge to go “home”. Then I remember I AM home!! And I can’t go back to my apartment, in the part of town I loved and be alone. So I just cry. And I tell Fiance how I’m feeling. He’s watched me cry many a night. All while saying, “I swear I’m happy!” LOL!!! I was just having feelings about everything. When I would finish crying I would be so grateful for a man like him. And just know I was in the right spot.

 

I grew up in a house where it was boring and dull. Where my parents bedroom was beige with no personality. Guess where I live? In a house with a beige bedroom!! I cried and cried! Finally I told Fiance it had to go. And I explained it all. He understood and after the bathroom, the bedroom is next. So, I understand not wanting to be in a place that reminds of you of when you were a kid. I really, really do. Just try to make it your home and eagerly look forward to your new home.

 

I wish you the best. I can identify!

 

 

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