(Closed) Finding love again? Could use some encouragement.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4086 posts
Honey bee

WannaBeABride:  first of all, I’m sorry he did that to you. But in the end you should be thanking him. Imagine if you married him and he did that. It’s best that he cut it off when he did. 

I’m a firm believer that “what’s meant to be will be.” I don’t think most people find love when they’re looking for it. I think it just happens when it’s supposed to happen. I know you’re feeling lonely right now and that it’s hard for you, but I think you should use this time to focus on yourself. Trust me: if you build a great relationship with yourself, you’ll never feel lonely. 6 years is a long time. He was a major part of your life. But in the end, you deserve someone who is gonna stick around forever. Someone who doesn’t leave you for someone else. You’ll find someone new when the time is right. 

Best of luck!

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by  BMoreBecc.
Post # 3
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee

no. you won’t be alone forever. my ex fiance – 3 years of drama-drama-drama, broke up with me (the first time) via email ON our one year anniversary (which was also christmas). i stupidly took him back, blah blah blah…. anyway  …. when we first broke up, i was SUCH a mess. I actually took a leave of absence from work for a month and moved in with my mom.  5 years later? I’m about to marry the real love of my life (who, funny enough, was my friend throughout the whole ex relationship, but we were too dramatic and I couldn’t see the trees through the forest).

That said.  Take ALL the time you need to heal.  When you’re good and ready, start focusing on what you want out of life.  I promise you, the real deal will come along.  When you’re ready, get back to your confident happy self, and that will attract the right person.  NOTE: just don’t post faux-inspirational quotes about heartache on FB.  That will attract the wrong crowd. LOL.

It will take time.  Honour the time you had together, go through your grieving period and focus on you.  (I was 25 when I got dumped, about to get married at 31).

Post # 4
Member
47209 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m a firm believer that if you are coming out of a long term relationship, you need to give it some time without dating anyone, so you can be comfortable with yourself again.When you are happy with yourself, you are less likely to rush into a relationship just so you won’t be alone.

There is more than one “soulmate” out there for all of us. We just have to meet them. There is no end to the list of men and women who lost one love- through breakup, divorce, death and found another. You will too.

In the meantime, live your life. Do the things you like to do. Surround yourself with people who think and act like you do.

Be open to trying new things though. Online dating isn’t the refuge of the lonely hearts club that it used to be. There are many of us who met the love of our life online. I did. My Darling Husband and I woudl never have crossed paths without meeting online. We lived in different cities and worked in different fields.

Post # 5
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee

also – i should note, when my ex broke up with me the first time, and i was an obvious mess, i tried to date too soon.  and i ended up spending every dating talking about my ex. obviously none of that ended well.  you don’t ‘need’ to do anything except take care of yourself.  don’t force it. don’t rush it. find new hobbies. focus on you. EVENTUALLY you’ll go from thinking about him once a day, to once a week, to once a month, and then you’ll be like “Steve Who? What’s his last name again? I can’t remember…” 🙂  Good luck Bee!

Post # 6
Member
7418 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You have been single for less than 6 months and that’s on the heels of a 6-year relationship that sounds like it did not end well. You need to be single. To enjoy being single. And to get to know who you are, as you, and not as half of a couple. Don’t be in such a rush.

Post # 7
Member
5107 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

WannaBeABride:  I was exactly in your shoes when I was 24. I had just gotten broken up with after a relationship of over 6 years. I even moved across the country for him too, so when we broke up, I had no family and really no friends other than a few coworkers who I just saw at work. Honestly, I know the conventional wisedom is that you need to be single for a while, but I really do think that it’s much easier getting over an ex if you are dating, at least casually, I certainly don’t recommend marrying the first guy you find, but I don’t think you need to swear off dating for a year. If anything, dating can be a confidence boost to show you that you are still desirable and you will not be alone forever. 

As far as my story goes, I was single and miserable getting over my ex for several months. Then I started dating someone who I had known from my department. I got over my ex but it was a horrible relationship. It was way worse than my relationship with my ex. Not abusive or anything, but this guy had some major psychological problems. I dated him for about 6 months or so, until I finally got enough strength in myself to break up with him. It took dating him for me to realise that I really didn’t need a relationship, especially one that made me miserable. After I broke up with him, it was like a weight being lifted, I was immediately so much happier. Then I tried online dating. Don’t knock it, it’s actually pretty great. I went on three dates total and all of them were nice. One was my now-DH. You just have to be discriminating when you are looking at people to take seriously. There were a lot of creeps, and if you are an even slightly attractive female on there, you will get a lot of messages. I probably got 50 a day. You just have to sift through and find the real geniune guys. 

Post # 8
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee

I agree that you need time to just be single. I was a serial relationship girl. I went from man to man right away. After I broke off my engagement ( 6 years) I was in another relationship immediatly. That relationship crashed and burned after a year. After that one I took several months off from dating and when I met my Fiance I was in a better place.

You will find happiness again 🙂 Would you have really wanted your ex as a husband anyways,I think you dodged a bullet!

Post # 9
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

WannaBeABride:  I don’t have a personal story about myself, but I do have one about my FI!

He started dating a girl before their senior year of high school, they went to the same college, and were together all through college.  They never lived together because she never moved off campus, but obviously were on track for marriage and doing well.  Fall semester of their senior year, he found out she was cheating emotionally, saw some texts, she begged for forgiveness and he agreed to stay with her because he wanted to marry this girl.

Approaching December, he puts down a deposit on a custom engagement ring.  The day after the last day of final exams, they return to their hometown for Christmas break, and she breaks up with him, revealing that she never stopped cheating with that guy, and that she is leaving him for the new guy.  FI has to call the jeweler and beg for his deposit back and cancel the ring order.

He enters his last semester of college, never having been a college student without this girl by his side, and really not even knowing how to be himself without her.  He signs up for an English class focused on Harry Potter because it sounds interesting, he’s an HP fan, and he needs another class to fulfill his hours.

(This is where I come in!)  We were “sorted” into the same group by the professor’s Sorting Hat (aka pulled the same sticker out of a hat), worked all semester on a project together, and by the end of it were spending a whole lot of romantic time together.  He graduated, invited me to the beach the next week, and we made our relationship official after the beach trip.

I know this story is “magical” in many ways (pun intended?), but basically he found me when he was DEFINITELY not looking.  He spent some time rebuilding himself and figuring out how to live single while we were just class group members, and when he was ready, he found himself interested in me.  It just kind of happened, and the timing was right even when it seemed wrong.

It will happen for you!  Live your life doing the things YOU love to do (like bike, take an art class, or learn about Harry Potter), and the person you will fall in love with will likely be found in one of those moments.

Post # 10
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry this has happened to you.  I know that people say you need time to heal, thats understandable.  But don’t be stuck in the past either.  This is a cautionary tale, one from my aunt’s bestfriend that I would NEVER ever forget for as long as I live. 

My aunt’s best friend is a lovely woman–inside.  Let’s cut out the PC and say, she’s let herself go.  When you look at her, she’s the very definition of sad.  I’m not trying to be mean here but her facial expression looks sad even when she’s laughing.  I don’t even know her backstory and I can already tell something wasn’t right with this woman.  I asked my aunt why she has that look and my aunt replied, “broken heart”. 

Naturally, I said sorry and asked when it happened.  Twentry-five years ago.

Long story short, the man she married left her for a porn star.  She thought time would heal and decided to date until she’s feeling better.  Months turned to years, and before she knows it, she realized that it’s been 25 years and she’s still pining for the same man. 

What I got out of this is:  life is short.  Take your time, but be mindful of your time.  If you’re going to get over this man, do it properly–block his phone, don’t speak about him to others, and do not stalk him. 

 

Post # 11
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

WannaBeABride:  Oh honey, you have SO much time! I’m so glad the guy I was dating at 24 dumped me, personally. He was a loser with a small penis and frankly lacking in IQ points for me, but hindsight is 20/20 that way. I’m 28 now and there’s been a few more serious boyfriends and one proposal (that I had to turn down) since then, and current S/O is LIGHTYEARS beyond those “boys” (even though I will admit he’s super slow to commit, LOL).

My point is, we change and grown so much throughout our 20’s, and the occasional heartbreak aside, it’s awesome. Not being with one guy for too long has let me figure out what I’M made of on my own, and you can’t buy that kind of confidence. 

I felt like you did after every break-up, but here’s the thing: I’m great, so attracting guys and falling in love again has never been the problem — it’s weeding out the bad ones!

So date around, but have fun and mainly don’t worry about it too much. Don’t worry about what him and that girl are doing. Karma’s a bitch and they will get theirs. You’ll find your guy, and when you do won’t it be great to have so many life experiences under your belt? All your girlfriends who got locked-down early will secretly be jealous 😉

P.S. Every single guy I’ve every really connected with I met on total accident, when I wasn’t looking or even remotely interested. There’s a lot to be said for just doing you!

Post # 12
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

I know this is so cliche but it’s true – you tend to find love when you’re not looking for it. I came out of a relationship and I was just starting a new job. I was like, okay, I’m not going to look at any guys romantically. I want to concentrate on doing a good job, i want to concentrate on volunteering, i just want to concentrate on myself. I also got a haircut and some new clothes, that helps lol. Not even six months later, out of the blue, my current bf reveals how much he likes me and we should give dating a try. At that point, i felt so good about myself and my future. I didn’t and still don’t give a damn about the old guy and what he’s doing. I know it’s hard to see right now but you’ll eventually get to a place where you won’t care if that guy is getting married or not.

Post # 15
Member
773 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015 - Carmen\'s Lakeview

First of all, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I had dated a guy (my first boyfriend, first kiss even!) all throughout high school. We made it through our first year of university (which was long distance as we were 8 hours apart), so I figured if we made it through that we could make it through anything….I was wrong! Thanksgiving of our 2nd year of university he dumped me for another girl (did it over the phone even though we had seen each other the weekend before) and 4 months later he was living with the girl! I was crushed. I had, like you, fantasized about a proposal and a wedding someday. I was almost 20 at the time. I wanted to be a wife and a mother someday.

WannaBeABride:  You said that you “miss having that sort of partner in life… somebody who is a source of support when things are tough… I don’t have anybody to lean on right now. “…I SAID THESE EXACT WORDS!!! Believe me though, there are people to talk to. I pushed a lot of people out of my life and began to shut down. Many didn’t realize how badly I was hurting. I spent a good 3-4 years trying to heal my broken heart. I tried having “crushes” with guys I knew but most of them were taken and I didn’t want to be “that girl” to someone else. My heart wasn’t in the right place to love again. I even failed out of school at one point (luckily it lead me to finding my fiance). Believe me, there are people who care, don’t hold it all in.

Needless to say, 4 and a half years after the break up, I had moved halfway across the country to start a new job. I was completely focused on me at that point, just trying to figure things out and sure enough,  a week of moving there, my fiance walked into my life! I wasn’t even looking for a relationship. (I had gone online on a dating website to “check out who was in the area” when I moved to this new place, not looking for a relationship but just wanted to meet people since I moved there all by myself). My fiance was definitely looking though and came to my work to check me out! haha. A little over 2 years later we are engaged to be married in 2.5 months!! 🙂

All I can say is 3 things:

1) Let yourself hurt. It’s ok to cry, watch sappy movies, eat ice cream, etc. In fact, it’s encouraged.

2) With #1 being said, don’t hang on to him too long. I had someone tell me that they had a similar situation and they realized that after a period of time, they were the one causing themselves pain by hanging on as it was the only thing they could “feel”. I ended up by hanging on because I still had a close relationship with my ex’s mother, and her and I would talk frequently and meet for coffee. At some point, the ties had to be cut, I had to remove myself from things that reminded me of him). At one point during those few years I was still getting over him, I realized how much he had missed out in my life (graduations, family celebrations, who I had become since he had dumped me, etc…). He missed many months and years of time that we would never get back, and I realized he wouldn’t want back either, as painful as it was to admit.

3) The person you are meant to be with, will come along. Just don’t go looking for him. He will come when you least expect it. So many people said this to me and I didn’t believe them, but sure enough, it happened to me. I even said to my best friend when I moved to the new place, that I wasn’t looking to meet anyone, but was just going to focus on me, and try the new job out for a year and then see how it goes! (I know she’s going to bring this up at the wedding!)

Hang in there. Eventually things get brighter. Focus on YOU! (Take a course, learn a new language, find a new hobby/activity, travel…the list is endless!) (I ended up finding a new hobby and did tonnes of travelling). I know it may be hard to see right now, despite everyone’s advice to you, and when you are ready you will move on.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by  allyson.m88.

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