(Closed) Finding love again? Could use some encouragement.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

WannaBeABride:  I can definitely relate as I’ve had a similar experience myself. It has been almost 7 months since my SO of 7 years decided he “wasn’t in it anymore” right as we were on the verge of getting engaged. I was completely blindsided. I’m long over the crying every day stage, but it’s something I still think about a lot. It’s hard to come to terms with someone you loved and trusted for so many years just leaving.

I totally get the feeling of not being entirely ready for a new relationship, but at the same time wanting to meet someone. I think some of that comes from the fear of “OMG I’m gonna be alone forever”, which is pretty irrational when you think about it but that worry is still there. I’m trying to remind myself that there’s nothing wrong with being single for a while so I can get more comfortable on my own and hopefully be in a better place to have a new relationship in the future.

Online dating scares the crap out of me as I’ve heard so many bad experiences (I know there are good ones too) and so many men seem to use them for hookups and nothing more. However, like you, all my friends are married or in serious relationships and never want to go out, so I have to meet people somewhere.

I’m 31 and I don’t feel under huge pressure timewise (maybe I should though!) but for you at 24, you have so many years ahead of you and plenty of time to do your own thing and eventually settle down. 

Find things that interest you and go after them. Are you interested in travel? It really broadens your mind and it’s something that lots of people do alone initially, but you make new friends along the way.

 

Post # 17
Member
10953 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I’ve got one for you.  I was in the middle of my divorce from my abusive ex & he was being horrible, predictably enough.  I lived out in the middle of nowhere, so I tried online dating, seeking friends.  All I wanted was an occasional dinner out in Palm Springs with a nice, intelligent gentlemen.

I’d already met one funny & kind man to pal around with but it was strictly platonic.  He liked me, but I didn’t want a relationship with him.  He had too many issues.

Enter future Dh, altho marriage was the last thing on my mind.  He totally got me in the sense that I was divorcing a crazy person & in no shape for a relationship.  He had gone thru a divorce from a woman with bipolar disorder who refused treatment & cheated, so he understood my need for caution.

His manners are impeccable.  Mr Friends call him Mr Gentleman.  We had an old fashioned courtship.  He always called by Wednesday to ask me out for Friday night.  He drove an hour each way just for a few hours of my company.

Turns out we had loads in common, including our politics & views on life in general.  He acknowledged he had fallen in love with me about 8 mos in.  Things turned romantic, but we already had a rock steady bond of friendship.

I finally agreed to take the risk & get married again.  He’s still a gentleman who caters to my whims.  We met in 2004 & we’re stronger than ever & drama free.

So, take heart!  There are wonderful men out there who want to meet you!  And we’re a LOT older than the rest of you Bees.

 

Post # 18
Member
401 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry what he did. Seriously though, you dodged a bullet! 

My first boyfriend broke up with me for his ex-fiancé that I didn’t even know he had and needless to say I was devastated. I pretty much woke up crying and went to bed crying and felt like the lowest point of my life. My most troubling thoughts were that I wouldn’t be able to find someone like him which makes me LOL now cause he was a deadbeat who couldn’t hold down a part time job… But anyways I eventually got over that feeling and you will too! Time really does heal all. I promise you you’ll find a great guy, they’re out there! I do agree with PP that you should enjoy being single for now. You’re 24 and a 6 year relationship means you were only about 18 when you started dating. Do you ever feel like you missed out on experiences being with him from a young age? If so, I’d take this time to do those things! Call up your single girlfriends and go out, get drinks, meet guys without thinking about entering relationships. Travel if you can, do something adventurous you might not have been able to do before when you were with him. Take this time to enjoy your freedom and find yourself, independent of him.

I promise you you’ll look back at this one day and laugh. And the right guy will come along one day 🙂

Post # 19
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

swirlyclover86:  You gave all the advice I was thinking! 

WannaBeABride:  I’m sorry this happened to you. The worst thing you can do for your future self is dwell on the positive qualities of someone who doesn’t want to be with you. He’s not the one but I’ll know you will find him. Online dating can be tiring and disapppointing but it can also lead you to the best thing that has ever happened to you. I would def say to give it a chance.

Post # 20
Member
1445 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

WannaBeABride:  You pretty much lived my life except at 25 I had 2 children by my 1st long term boyfriend, so when he cheated (again) and we called it quits, I was left a single parent. I was convinced that nobody was out there for me because who wants a ready made family, right? 

I went through a couple of months of not dating, then got involved in a no strings attached kind of relationship (safety first) with a coworker that I had always thought was super sexy. I had never been  sexually involved with anyone other than my ex and it was very liberating. I cut it short though because it wasn’t something that I wanted to be involved in long term. 

I dated casually a couple of times, and even tried online dating, but when I met my now Fiance, I was just starting to open myself up again to the possibility of dating after self imposed period of almost two yrs where I met guys and had platonic friendships with them, but didn’t really date. I stayed away from sex during that time too because I didn’t want my mind muddled and confusing sex with love. 

During that time I had literally reminded myself many times that I had been in a relationship and parenting 3 kids, because my ex was a loser that I supported almost as much as I did my kids, for most of my formative adult life. I wanted to get to know myself again. I spent a lot of time doing that and making sure that my children were taken care of in all ways. People assumed that I wanted to date and I got a lot of advice about not meeting people because I didn’t get out enough, but I didn’t really feel ready. At the end of that time, I was practically reborn! I was stronger, wiser, and ready to date again because I knew who I was. 

I met my Fiance at the same time that I connected with 2 other guys and I was expecting nothing much. I dated them casually and the other 2 somehow ended up getting less and less of my time. Trust me, I know it hurts right now, and my Fiance is far from being perfect, but I feel like I am now  where I was meant to be and I am so much stronger for the experience. You will be too! 

Post # 21
Member
25 posts
Newbee

i just want to say i can 1000% relate. im 23 and had been dating my boyfriend for 7 years when he broke up with me in september. i didnt see it coming at all. he told me since we had been together since we were 15 we needed to take sometime to date other people and grow indepedently and figure out whether or not we actually were “the one” for each other. he told me he hoped the time apart would strengthen our relationship but we both needed to have other experiences before he could confidently settle down with me. i honestly thought we would take a 3 month break and after some awkward online dating and one night stands he would come back appreciating me more. thats the vibe he gave off.

well not the case! he met a girl i think about 3 months after we broke up and has been with her for 4 months now. he seems really happy with her. im not sure quite how serious they are – i dont think extremely serious yet but i know they are exclusively dating and he seems very happy. ive had a really hard time since the break up, but like you i really am starting to feel better. i have tons of great girlfriends, have taken up new hobbies, concentrated on work, ran a marathon, etc. i am doing ok but also am not getting so antsy that he met someone so effortlessly and seems so happy while i still have really down days and havent met anyone at all. it sucks. i would love to meet someone else but i also dont like online dating and cant really figure out how to meet. everyone says it happens when you least expect it so i am just hoping the same will be true for me. i also feel like i wont give up hope of my ex coming back unless i meet someone else.

sorry i cant offer a story to help you! but just know you are not alone. im in the same position. i always thought we would get married and start a family young and being at square 1 sucks. hopefully this all happens for a reason – we just have yet to find it yet!

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