Post # 1
Regular bee going anon for this.
A while ago in my real account I posted about how my father married a younger woman he met on tinder after 6 months (that thread has been deleted, so if you remember who I am please respect my desire to stay anonymous).
He’s been abusive to my siblings, mother and I, but we still kept contact. It came as a huge shock that a woman 20 years younger was marrying him. He changed completely and erased all of us from his life.
I just found out he married her without a prenup, so I talked to my uncles about it and they told me several things I wasn’t aware of, like how she had surgery last year and asked my father to pay for it. She lied about a previous condition, resulting in a more complicated procedure, and he ended up paying $18,000 for it (I don’t know any details). Apparently, my father refused to believe she did this on purpose, which according to my family is impossible.
Turns out, she had this surgery to have children. She’s 43, he’s 60, and they’re TTC.
I find it sick that the whole family knew this but he kept it from me and my siblings (which are all above 20). I’ve been feeling terrible about it, I still care about him after all the damage he’s done to me and it hurts to see this. I’ve been trying to cut him out of my life but now I don’t know how to move on when I might be having another sibling.
I’m sorry if this is all over the place. I guess I needed somewhere to vent. Thanks for reading
Post # 2
It sucks but it’s best to just take care of yourselves and move on with your lives, trying to heal from the past trauma he caused. Sounds like it’s best to not have contact with him anyway. He’s 60 and had the right to have another family of he chooses to (which sounds like he has chosen). As much as it hurts, he is free to do whatever he wants with his money as you are all grown. Best to concentrate on your own success and focus on yourself.
Post # 3
thank you for your words. I just don’t know how to move on if he’s having another kid. It’s unlikely at their age, but if it happened, how can I cut them out of my life if there’s an innocent person involved, that has a right to know his siblings?
Post # 4
totally understand but your father’s new partner might not want their child to have contact with your or your family… You never know how they might decide to raise their family. Sometimes we can try to force ourselves into someone’s life because we love them but they might block all of our efforts and cut us out anyway. You can only do so much and have to respect their decisions as well.
Post # 5
Your dad treated you like crap and continues to treat you like crap. You don’t need him in your life. You don’t need to be concerned about things happening in his life. The best thing is to cut contact and tell anyone updating you on his life that you no longer want to hear anything about him.
It is not your job to police his life, his reproduction or his money.
Post # 6
This. If his presence is actively detracting from your quality of life, cut him out and move on. I wouldn’t give a second thought about what he’s doing because his actions would be irrelevant to me. I understand where your conflict is coming from but this is the only way to stay in a healthy headspace. What he’s doing is his business and you need to focus on you. He is a non-entity.
Post # 7
Unless they have a child and then express a desire for that child to have a relationship with their half siblings, you shouldn’t concern yourself with this. Sharing blood with someone doesn’t do anything magic. It’s a huge possibility this woman won’t want you to have contact with her child and you’re all so much older that you wouldn’t have a typical sibling relationship even if she did allow contact. It’s pointless to let him back into your life over this.
Post # 8
I think you are stressing needlessly at this time. The situation definitely sucks, however, at 43 and after a tubal reversal surgery their chances of natural conception are very small (unless they do ivf with donor eggs). I’d try to just focus on the now and stay out of your fathers life unless it’s absolutely necessary.
Post # 9
Look at your response to the news. People are under no obligation to share their romantic, financial or reproductive plans with adults who they know won’t agree. He’s your father, but he’s made it clear that he considers his choices none of your business.
Looking at the facts on the board, any minor aged children that come of this union are not likely to have a relationship with the other siblings. Neither your father nor his wife seem particularly keen on sharing and it seems like the family isn’t fond of the wife. There isn’t a shot in hell that my children would be allowed spend time with people who I know don’t care for me.
He was abusive to you and you have a right to your feelings about that treatment. I agree with PPs… your choices are either to keep stewing or keep your distance. I recommend keeping your distance.
Post # 10
I am not understanding how your father’s decision to pay for his wife’s surgery, the circumstances around it, his decision to forgo a prenup or to TTC are ultimately any of your business. The history of past abuse is another matter, but for someone thinking of cutting off a parent you seem to want to be overly involved.
Post # 11
In the unlikely event they produce a child you are not responsible for that child and may, by their choice, have no contact with that child.
If your father’s choices are too painful for you to handle then cut him off. It’s difficult to understand why you would want to maintain such involvement with someone who has been abusive to you. Have you pursued individual therapy?
His life, his choices. Your life, your choices.
Post # 12
Actions speak louder than words. His actions clearly demonstrate that he will do what he wants, consequences to his family be damned. You can’t save him from himself. If he’s truly erased you and your siblings from his life then you need to move on from him. I can’t imagine how difficult this is but it’s time for you to move on for your own well-being. Perhaps therapy may help.
Post # 13
Thanks for your replies, I really needed to hear it from an outside perspective. I have a really hard time letting go of him… In spite of everything, we were always close so this has been extremely hard for me. He has a way of getting under my skin and making me feel awful. It doesn’t help that these past few months he hasn’t paid for my siblings child support because “he’s broke” (now we know why).
You’re right, they probably won’t let me and my siblings near their kid (if they’re able to have one). I find it extremely disturbing that I’ll probably be having kids in the next couple of years and I’ll have a sibling and a son of the same age.
It’s hard to watch someone you love in this position, even though they’ve hurt you so much. I really feel like I need therapy and I’ve already scheduled an appointment to start this week.
Again, thanks for reading and taking the time to respond
Post # 14
The fact that your father is not paying mandated child support is your mother’s business. She ought to document it if court is not an option now and if it is, take it back there. He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide he won’t pay.
Post # 15
I remember your last post and you basically called this woman a gold digger and were upset that she might get hold of your inheritance. You were disrespectful in their home to the point of your father telling you to stay away.
Yes he was abusive, but beyond that what he does is none of your business. Also if your siblings are all over 20 then unless he owes back child support he is under no obligation to support grown children.
All of this is none of your business. You were told that the last time. So what if she had to have a more complicated surgery, not your business. So what if they are trying to conceive. Not your business. So what if they do or dont want there theoretical baby to have anything to do with the rest of you. Its none of your business. If the time comes and they do actually have a baby, then you can decide if they present you with the option, but considering you called a 43 year old woman a gold digging tramp in your previous post, if they have a child, she likely wont forget that you disrespected her.
As for her age, she is a 43 year old woman, she isnt some young 20 something taking your father for a ride. He is making his choices. You dont have a right to dictate who he sees or doesnt see or does or doesnt marry.
Your last post was loud and clear about how you were more worried about the money that he might spend on her. Lets be honest. You dont want her to have another kid because if he does have any money left, the theoretical baby might get it.