(Closed) Finding out you might not be able to conceive…how to deal?

posted 5 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
1440 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My BFF has PCOS and one functioning ovary. It was a challenge for her, and I certainly made an ass of myself asking all the time at the beginning (before she found out the problems). After a few months she told me her struggles, and it opened my eyes that it can be a very painful journey for some. I would just say being honest is the best way to go, if you are comfortable doing so.

 

I may find myself in the same position in a few months. I think more people than we realize don’t have an easy time conceiving.

Post # 4
Member
1226 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis.  This is indeed hard and it’s normal for you to grieve, though also be aware that lots of people with PCOS *do* have babies (maybe of them have been on these boards).  As far as how to respond, if you go to resolve.org and search for “funny responses” there are some great replies to the “when are you having kids” question.

Post # 5
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I am one for whom the dream of having a biological child has ended. I’m still crushed. I know it’s possible to have a good and happy life without having your own baby (whether adopting or being childfree), we have examples of it in our family. But it’s still so heartbreaking.

People should not be asking you these personal questions. Honestly it’s rude of them.  It’s nobody’s business but yours…

What I do is just create a “pregnant pause” (pun not intended). And stare back at them. Eventually they figure out they are being super rude and move on. And hopefully never ask a woman that question again.

Post # 6
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

just start lying. because if you keep saying “we’re trying” people will keep asking if it has happened or might even want to ask “why not? how come? what’s wrong?” which is the last thing you need.

therefore I suggest saying something like “we’re waiting until ____ gets a better job offer, until we move into a bigger place/ better area, waiting for me grandma to move closer ANYTHING….”

Post # 7
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@nyckitten:  pcos doesn’t have to mean you will never have a child.  Will it be hard? Perhaps, but you have to have faith,  and an open mind!  I too live with pcos, but I refuse to give up. It’s not over until they tell me there is no possible way. And even then, miracles do happen!  While I do get upset over the fact that what is so easy for others has been so hard for me, I know that one day my husband and I will have a baby, be it via intercourse,  iui, ivf, surrogacy, or adoption.  

 

Post # 8
Member
4150 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@vmec:  I hate that I feel like I have to do this, but this is exactly how I handle this. My husband and I have been actively trying for 8 cycles (actually starting our 9th as of today), and I find that the easiest way for me to handle the questions is to say, “We have a lot going on right now. Once we get through X, we may start thinking about it.”  I’ve found this works not only to answer the question but also to change the topic because then usually the person will start asking about X, whatever that may be.

Post # 9
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@hardtoconcentrate:  goodluck I’m starting to get asked and instead of arguing about how or why we are (likely) choosing to be child free, I just lie and say I have to finish school, get established in a career blah blah… reality is I’m taking my time because we probably don’t want kids.

Post # 10
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

My Darling Husband and I tried for a year and finally conceived our almost 9 month old son with the help of clomid after being diagnosed with pcos. I just went through another round of clomid and ovulated and will hopefully have baby #2 soon. Just because you have pcos doesn’t mean you won’t be able to have children, but every woman is different and unique. Some people just need a little “push” like me. Hang in there! I know how hard it is.

Post # 11
Member
4518 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

1) people are so rude to ask questions like that…it’s none of their business. I hated those questions too.

2) lots of (most?) women with PCOS who want to conceive do. Some need a little help with fertility drugs, but it shouldn’t be a huge obstacle, if that’s your only diagnosis. If your doctor makes you feel otherwise, look for a different one. I have PCOS and am due in 8 weeks. Good luck to you. 

Post # 12
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Honestly? There is no good answer. Being honest with people doesn’t make the it go away like you’d think. I’ve been open about my journey through IVF and people STILL have dumb, rude , inconsiderate and  nosy things to say. There will come a point when you will come to terms with your situation and once you reach that the comments and questions don’t seem so bad. But you aren’t there yet and that’s okay! Give yourself time to absorb and process the info, no one can get hit with a life altering thing and take it in stride over night. Although I would say don’t get too worked up until you have a sit down with an RE. You have plenty of options until you are told otherwise. PCOS is NOT the end of the road, not by a long shot. Have you made an appointment to get further testing or to outline a plan of action? 

Post # 13
Member
4150 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@vmec:  Thanks. It’s so annoying that people feel the need to ask prying questions like this so that we have to deal with them, whatever our situations may be. One of my best friends is CBC, and she does this as well. She’s still young (under 30), so people don’t really question their decision to “wait” at this point, but they may get a little more forceful at some point. But for now, lying gets her through this line of questioning, too!

Post # 14
Member
44 posts
Newbee

I can feel your pain. It hurts my heart even to go to the gyno bc i see all the pregnant women around me and i always want to start crying. I always end up texting my fiance saying “theres a bunch of pregnant women here 🙁 ” And he just trys to calm me down by telling me just relax, we will have our baby one day you just have to be patient. Its so hard for me thought. Hang in there girl, we cant give up, just gotta have faith 🙂

Post # 15
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m so sorry for your diagnosis!  I have heard a lot of stories on the Bee and elsewhere of women with PCOS successfully having children, so lots of good luck to you 🙂

I understand why some people feel it is easier to say “We’re waiting until X” or something similar, but personally I think that giving those false responses puts the false impression out there that once people are ready, they will get pregnant.  I totally understand that it’s hard to get the questions all the time, but I try to be honest with what I’m going through because I really want that perception to change.  I have no problem with people knowing that I’ve been trying for 8 months and am still trying, because I have never personally known anyone that’s gone through the same thing.  Oh I’m sure I have, but they’ve never put that out there for me to know.  So I feel that maybe if I answer their question honestly, they will realize that it’s a dumb question.  No one can predict or know when they will be having children, because sometimes we can try our hardest and it just doesn’t happen.

I hope I’m not coming off wrong to anyone who doesn’t answer that they are trying or are unable to have children, because I know everyone deals with things in different ways, but I feel that if more people were honest about those things then maybe the general perception would change and we could stop getting these questions all the time in the future.

Sorry I kind of wrote a novel here!

Post # 16
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I have PCOS too, and I’m preparing myself for the difficulty of trying to conceive. I’m just planning on being honest and saying something like: “We’re trying, but we’re having a hard time with it. Sorry, but it’s a little difficult for me to talk about it.” That way, they’ll know not to bring it up again.

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