Your story of finding ‘the one’ after a breakup

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
44 posts
Newbee

bambii :  I dated someone for around three years before I met my fiancé, the relationship was over for the majority of the time but nothing that bad had transpired so it went on until I realized I just needed to end it and leave. 

I moved back to my home state and met my now fiancé at work, next month we’re gettig married on our two year anniversary! This relationship is so incredibly different from my last one and I am so so happy that I left a loveless but comfortable relationship and met my fiancé. 

My ex is also now engaged to someone, so it worked out well for both of us. You’ll find your man!

Post # 3
Member
906 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I dated my ex for two years, a majority of the two years were long distance as we both went to different colleges. I was whole-heartedly convinced he was the one – we spoke of our wedding day, our kids and their names, and even started showing him rings I liked. The last six months of our relationship he all but stopped talking to me completely. He would go days without speaking to me, and even went the entire month of December without seeing me even though we were both in the same place. We finally broke up six months later, after he claimed he was ‘depressed’ and ‘wasn’t in the right place mentally to have a girlfriend’. Turns out he had been having an emotional affair (and perhaps even physical, I never found out) for the entire six months. It absolutely tore me apart and I was convinced I would be 90 and die alone. 

After a few months I felt better, and the two years after we broke up actually shaped me into the person I am today. I can look back and see how much stronger and independent and confident I am now, and am actually extremely thankful for us breaking up.

I met my now Fiance at a football game when I went with my roommate and her boyfriend and his friends (about a group of 15 of us). I happened to sit next to my now Fiance, we realized we both studied abroad in Ireland, and just hit it off immediately! I forced my roommate to schedule a group dinner date with her boyfriend and all his friends so I could see my Fiance again. It really was a random meeting, nothing was set-up. I like to call it fate!

Keep your head up 🙂 it may take some time but you’ll heal, and love will come again when you least expect it!

Post # 4
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

I was with my ex for almost eight years, and for at least the last 5 of them we were basically living as roommates (sex hardly ever at all, like maaaybe once every six months if we were both tipsy, no intimacy otherwise either, came and went as we pleased, the ex even bought separate groceries and did laundry separately – literally like roommates) and we had both pretty much checked out of the whole relationship by the end, but neither of us had wanted to end it. I finally pulled the trigger just before our eight year anniversary.

Once the dust settled on that, I decided I just wanted a FWB for the time being, because I was lonely and it had been nearly a year since I’d had sex, but in no way did I want a relationship. I had the same worries you have, that I would never find someone else, but at the same time, I was actually looking forward to being single for a while after such a long relationship. So, I went looking for a hookup at the very least, or an ongoing FWB deal at most.

And that’s how I met my Fiance lol.

She was the first (and only, as it turns out) person I connected with and we spent a lot of time chatting and texting before meeting up. By the time we did meet up, we were both having feelings, but neither of us wanted a relationship, so we tried to play it cool for as long as we could. That lasted about two weeks. 😀

Long story short, we’re getting married next June.

Post # 5
Member
10956 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

bambii :  

My exh is an abuser.  I started figuring this out. I just had to have my own space, so I bought a little cottage for myself in May. We were supposed to be working on getting back together, supposedly still a couple.

I was much too dense to figure out that he was already online looking for his next target, typical behavior for a narcissist. Meanwhile, I just cried all the time, went to yoga and dog training for the dog sport we’re into.

Within a few weeks, everything came out, we had a horrible phone conversation and I knew it was really over and I had to start the divorce process.

Blindsided again.  Silly me, I thought if I was fair and reasonable, he would be, too.  Hah.  We were married a very short time and had no kids, but he still managed to make the whole thing a huge ordeal.

It was my turn to go online and despite living way out in the sticks, I met a really nice guy right away.  There were no sparks on my end, but that was okay.  He was very funny, which I just love.

We started hanging out together on weekends, he was my best supporter during my divorce hell. And we had so much fun! We went out, we got drunk and silly, it was good for me.  

 

Things finally got wrapped up with my divorce and all that was left was a six month wait for it to be final.  My friend let me know he wanted us to be a couple.  I had to let him know we were Friend Zoned.  He handled it well.

Sometime in December, I got an email from another guy who sounded interesting.  He couldn’t meet until January because his 16 year old son was staying with him for the Christmas break.

Sure enough, right after New Year’s he got in touch and we met for lunch.  We had tons in common, our values, our world views, just so much.  Lunch lasted four hours.

He started courting me.  It was lovely.  He always called by Wednesday for a Friday night date.  He drove an hour each way just for the pleasure of my company.  Most importantly, he fell in love with my German Shepherds.  There was absolutely zero pressure.  He was the perfect gentleman.  One of my friends nicknamed him Mr Gentleman.

So, for awhile, I was seeing both my friend and Mr Gentleman.  My friend eventually moved away, we still communicate now and then.

As for Mr Gentleman, he is now my husband.  He’s still a gentleman.

Being courted is wonderful.  I felt so valued and treasured.  It was very healing.  

Post # 6
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

I was with my ex for 4 years. We loved each other a lot, but were not compatible in a lot of basic ways. We hung on because we loved each other so much, but finally one night after the millionth fight we decided we just couldn’t make each other happy. He had developed some very unhealthy alcoholic behaviors to cope with our relationship and I realized trying to stay with me was literally making him sick. So we decided to break up, but we were living together and our situation was such that we wouldn’t be able to move out for another 2.5 months. We decided we would stay together until then, because we loved each other and why put ourselves through the agony of trying to be single while sharing a bed (it was a very small, 1 bedroom cabin that we lived in)? It was a really weird time because now that we knew we were breaking up we starting fighting a lot less because there was nothing left to fight for. It was confusingly sad and happy at the same time, but I’m really thankful for it because I feel like I used those months to properly process and grieve the relationship and by the time it was time to go I felt I was ready to really let go.

I moved home for a month. During that time I did some more reflecting and realized I learned a lot in that relationship. I didn’t want to spend another 4 years with someone unless they were ‘the one’, so I made a list of things I needed in my life partner. I guess I thought it would make things more efficient next time haha. It also helped me to get excited about the future and let go of the past a bit better.

Anyway, after that month I went on a trip that we had originally planned to take together, but now that we were broken up I decided to go by myself. A few weeks into that trip I met my now Darling Husband. He had also recently come out of a long term relationship and had been traveling for a few months as a sort of therapy. It was instant for both of us. I think having all that time to reflect made me instantly recognize that he literally ticked all the boxes and our chemistry was also undeniable. We both felt guilty that we found each other so soon after other long term relationships ended. We wound up getting together about 3 months after I moved out of my ex’s house and the relationship officially ended. We got engaged 2 years and 2 months after that and were married another year after that. We are stupidly happy!

I am so grateful for that relationship with my ex though, because as painful as it was, it taught me what I really needed in a partner and ultimately let me to my husband. Our relationship is so much deeper and healthier than any other I have ever had. It was worth all the heartbreaks to get to him. 

Post # 7
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

After the end of the relationship I found myself single for the first time since I was 16. I had literally never dated before. So I got on OK Cupid. I was concerned because I’m plus-size, have rather set political opinions, I’m loud and argumentative and my ex had made me feel like I was a really difficult person to be with. I had some dates. Then I met some friends to watch Doctor Who at the local cinema and there was a stranger hanging out with them. Tall, bearded, long hair, multiple earrings… anyway, after the show ended we were outside chatting and in my usual brusque manner I started questioning him. I was pretty random, I guess but in my defense, at that time I barely saw my friends and was desperate for some adult company. He got kinda annoyed and since it was a weeknight, I had to head home.

A week or two later, I searched in OKC for people in my town who like Doctor Who. And found a guy with a beard and long hair who liked Doctor Who, metal, sci fi shows AND BILLY JOEL. Jackpot. I messaged him and after a while we realised that we had met previously. We hit it off really well and after seeing each other again at a friend’s party, he pressed me for a date. I was rather busy (dating and working) at the time but he insisted. 

He invited me to his house for dinner, made a really nice steak. I brought the sides. He was funny and a little awkward. We watched a film. He walked me to my car. We met again the next day for date two during which we decided we were going exclusive. 

About 2 weeks later I met his family. Later his friends told me how he’d walked into their favourite bar with a huge smile on his face and told them there was somebody he’d like for them to meet asap. 

He stood by me while I was working through insecurity and jealousy issues and – as it turns out- I’m actually an easy person to be with, unless you’re an insensitive ass. Which he is not.

So, fellow bee, don’t give up. The right person might be around the corner. He was for me and I’ve never been as content with my life as I am now. (hope I didn’t jinx it now)

Post # 8
Member
238 posts
Helper bee

My ex-bf dumped me after 3 years together. I was devastated. I had done more than my fair share of supporting us while he finished law school, he passed the bar exam and dumped me a week later. I was so hurt because I thought once he had finished we could actually start our lives together. It ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn’t know it at the time but a relationship is meant to be so much more and better than what I had with him.

6 months later I met my now Fiance. He was home visiting (he was living across the country at the time) and we ran into each other at a local bar (we had met a couple times in college). We chatted on the phone for around 2 months and then he flew me out to where he was living for a 3 day “first date”. We had a wonderful time. The next weekend we met up in a different city (I was there for work), it took another couple months for it to be official but after that first meeting neither of us went out with anyone else. We’ve now been together over 4 years and are getting married in September!

Post # 9
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

bambii :   I was with my ex for almost 5 years.  We were engaged and all at the time that the breakup happened.  She was emotionally, verbally, and at times physically abusive but I put up with it because I had convinced myself it was my fault because I had broken up with her at the beginning of our relationship because I wasn’t over my ex completely and we were long distance but then we got back together later (like two months later after I had time to myself).  She came to me and said, “I can’t get married.”  That was the last straw.  The whole relationship I would pull myself together holding onto the hope that she really did love me but was just damaged and insecure and with time she would see that I was faithful and loved her.  That news of her basically telling me she wasn’t sure if I was the one yet, I said goodbye.  The next day I signed a lease on an apartment and was out of there.  Cutting her out of my life has been the best thing I have ever done.  Ever.  I was instantly happier, less anxious, and free.  I could be me and not be afraid.  

After, I decided that I wanted to remain single.  After years of abuse and then realizing that she didn’t love me, I was totally over her and that relationship.  Still damaged from it but completely over her.  I reconnected with friends she made me cut out because she was threatened by them.  I had to delete everyone from my social media that could have potentially been a threat.  Well one of those people happened to be my now wife.  She and I grew up down the street from each other and went to the same high school.  We had a ton of mutual friends but we were never friends.  We just never got the chance to hangout really.  The only “relationship” I had with her was bonding over coming out to our conservative christian parents.  One of our mutual friends had me reach out to her because she knew I was going through something similar and thought I may be able to help.  Well just that little bit of communication with an attractive woman put my ex on high alert and I had to delete her.  I added her back after we broke up and then she sent me a message.  We started talking saying how crazy it is we never were friends and we should meet up! 

Going into the “meeting” I was not sure if it was a date or not.  She said she had the same feelings.  I was not looking for a relationship at all but she was very attractive and I thought, “hey, why not friends with benefits?”  Turns out we HIT IT OFF.  She ended up coming back to my apartment and we talked for hours and hours until the early morning and then we ended up sleeping together.  I was really afraid because I really did not want a relationship but I liked her SO MUCH and she was fabulous.  I tried to fight it, but couldn’t.  She and I were meant for each other and we eloped 3 months later.  Two years later, I can tell you with 100% certainty that that was the best decision of my life.  I have the most loving and equal relationship.  I never thought relationships could be this amazing but my wife amazes me everyday.  Not a day goes by that I doubt her love.  She makes me feel so loved and wanted and I never have to guess about that.  She treats me like a queen.

My life is so amazing now that I sometimes forget about those dark years.

Post # 10
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - historical mansion

I dated my ex-BF for over four years, and we lived together for a little over a year and a half. I even moved to another state for him when he got into school. I thought we were going to continue to build a life together, but we had classic “irreconsilable differences.” 1. He didn’t really want to commit because I was his first Girlfriend ever (he was a virgin when we met). 2. He didn’t really want to have kids but he would be willing to let me have a kid if I took care of it myself. We finally (mercifully) hit the breaking point when he said he changed his mind about #2 and never ever wanted to have kids. I started packing up and moved back to my home state the next day. I immediately joined Tinder and went on a bunch of dates. I dated another guy for about a month but there was no spark. 

And then one night, I met my husband. We had messaged back and forth on Tinder for a few days and met for drinks on the hottest night of year. He was coming from work and was wearing a suit and tie. I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt and flip-flops. I was mortified at first, but it was immediately clear that we had a lot in common, and sparks flew. That night, at midnight, he turned 40! I was 34 for at the time. So, it’s never too late to find the one. Anyway, we started spending a couple of nights a week together after a couple of weeks and it was clear that he did not have the issues that my ex had. He was going through a divorce when we first met but was not afraid of getting married again and openly said that he wanted kids. We met in July, and by Thanksgiving, we had basically decided to get married. We got officially engaged after 9 months of dating. We got married in February of 2017, which was about a year and a half after our first date. I am thankful every day that I broke up with my ex and found the one. 

Hope my story helps! Good luck with everything! 

Post # 11
Member
29 posts
Newbee

My ex and I were together for 4.5 years when I found out he was cheating on me. We were living together, had a dog, and I was very hands-on helping to raise his children from a  previous marriage. It was rough. 

I have always been resistant to/scared of change, but I decided to change everything so I could feel a clean break between that chapter in my life and creating a new one. I ended that relationship, moved back with my parents for a month and then into my dream rental home, started a new full-time job, and opened a part-time business, all within a couple months. But most importantly, I made a pact with myself to say “yes” to all social engagements because I wasn’t going to allow myself to feel sorry for myself. Two months after I ended it with my ex I moved back in with my parents on a Friday, had the grand opening of my business on Saturday, and was invited out by friends that night where I met the love of my life. Coincidentally enough, he had also just broken off a bad long-term relationship THAT MORNING! It’s been over a year, we just moved in together, and (he doesn’t know that I know) he just bought the center stone for an ering.

Your happy ending is out there, bee!

Post # 12
Member
2921 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I understand looking for stories on encouragement, but make sure you take time for yourself after breaking up.  The last thing you want to do is get into a rebound relationship right away.  You need to remember that you don’t need a relationship to make you happy.  Sorry to sound preachy, but I think many of us, myself included, look at the next relationship after a big breakup and being the be all and end all.

I did find love after two bad breakups but it took me a while to get there.  I dated my college boyfriend for 6 years, ages 20 to 26.  We talked marriage all the time, with him the one bringing it up 90% of the time.  We had our bridal party and baby names picked out.  When we were 25, people started asking more often when we were getting engaged, and he always had some sort of excuse.  We never fought or anything but it felt like something had changed.  I finally asked for a come to Jesus talk to ask where we stood.  I wasn’t looking for a proposal that day, but it was more of a concrete where do you see us talk.  He finally admitted that he wasn’t in a hurry to get married, that he liked things the way they were, but that was his nice way of saying I wasn’t the one.  I broke up with him because I knew in my heart he wasn’t going to change his mind, although he did beg me not to break up with him.  I wouldn’t be with someone that didn’t want to marry me.

A few months later I started dating again and he proposed 2 years later.  The proposal came as a bit of a suprise but I was thrilled nonetheless.  However, I found out he was cheating on me with a coworker.  We were only engaged a few months before I ended it.

I started dating another guy only a few months after that breakup and at the time I thought I was ready, but looking back it was a bit soon to jump into dating again.  While I was dating that guy, we went to a Superbowl party one of our friends was throwing and I met one of my friend’s friend’s (kind of a friend of a friend situation).  But I was really into my boyfriend at the time so didn’t think much of it.  I had to break up with my boyfriend after 6 months because he was incredibly insecure and possessive.  He physically assaulted me one night when he thought I was breaking up with him; I hadn’t planned on it but once he grabbed me and basically wrestled me to the ground I had no choice.

The friend that had the Superbowl party got married some time later and the friend that I met that night was there.  He introduced himself to me again and we talked all night.  Turned out he had asked the groom about me that night and knew about that bad breakup.  He wanted to give me some time to get over that relationship before getting in touch with me.  He asked me for a date the next day.  And as they say, the rest is history.  It was definitely one of those situations where you least expect to meet someone.

So as you can see there are plenty of stories of love after heartbreak.  If you feel like you need to end your relationship, life is too short – do what you need to do.  If you’re excited about meeting someone new, then this relationship obviously isn’t working.

Post # 13
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I was with my ex for about 3 years, two of which were long distance. It just wasn’t right. We had different plans for our future that didn’t jive and neither of us were willing to give up our goals. I also noticed that the spark that was once there, just wasn’t anymore. It was brutal when it ended. Not because we hated each other or anything – simply because I had thought he was my person and it was devastating to be wrong about that.

Anyway, I moved home and had a brief relationship with an old friend. It was fun and helped me lighten up after the big breakup with my ex. Ultimately, that wasn’t right either and we went back to just being friends. A few weeks later, slightly intoxicated, I decided it was time to see what Tinder was all about. Why not? I was single! It could be fun! Lo and behold, one of the first people I connected with is now my fiance. It was the one and only Tinder date I ever had. We had such a great time, we went out again the following two days. Two years later, we’re engaged. 

It’s crazy how little decisions can change your life. Thank god for that glass of wine that spurred me to join Tinder! Good luck to you, bee. Things will work out exactly as they’re supposed to.

Post # 14
Member
9569 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

My last real relationship before Darling Husband was generally good, though if you hear me talk about him now it doesn’t sound that way, because the end was kind of shitty.

He helped me recover from my eating disorder.. the right way: he convinced me to go to therapy and was incredibly supportive of me as I slowly recovered.  He refused to judge me or shame me, just be there to comfort me and support me and cheerlead me.  I’ll never forget that, and as a result no matter how shitty things became later I will always be thankful I met him and wish him the very best in life.

Anyway, needless to say things got kind of shitty.  It’s a long story and not the point, so I’ll sum it up with: things deteriorated.  When I tried to bring up issues (e.g. “dude i’m not your maid.. please put your dishes in the dishwasher” he’d quickly start screaming at me about how I cheated on him and therefore he loved me more and therefore he was the better partner.. (and I guess therefore he didn’t have to clean up after himself?).  When I would argue back I did not cheat on him (I didn’t) he would get even more enraged.  So yeah.  Healthy stuff!

I then moved pretty far awy, to California, for my PhD and we woulds till talk most nights but my life there was just so HAPPY and it just became so clear to me that any time I talked to him he would ruin me–I’d be so sad/angry/upset afterwards.  So I broke it off with him officially.

I started dating around a bit and sleeping with a friend I’d made.  We were still just friends (with benefits) and it was a really good relationship for what it was.  It was uncomplicated and fun.  I felt sexy, and appreciated, and like someone cared… but I was still very independent.  I think that really helped me move on way faster than I would have otherwise.   

Eventually I started dating in earnest (I was open and honest with my FWB that I was ready to have a real relationship and he had a bit more trouble with it than he liked to admit, but for the most part was good about letting me go and to this day is still a great friend of mine.)  I made an Ok Cupid account, went on a few first dates that were flops, and then met the man I’d eventually marry.

After a week or two he asked me to “go steady” with him and I did, and we were pretty much inseperable for the next 3 years, though we actually lived apart (but in a small town so never more than 5 min apart, and we slept over all the time.. we just were slow about getting a place together).  Finally we did move in together for a bit, as he wanted to live with me before proposing to be 100% sure, and about 6 months later he did propose and we got married after we had been together for 4.5 years, and now we’ve been together a total of 6.5 years; married for 2. 🙂

You will find someone, I promise.  It may not be the next person you date.. but that’s not a bad thing.  Taking some time to heal is good, IMO.

Post # 15
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

I was in a relationship for 8 years with my ex-FI. We were best friends and had been through so much together. But we were not compatible as life partners. Before I ended things with him, I really put in an effort to make things work before I realized my heart just wasn’t in it anymore, which could have been misleading to him, but I wanted to make sure I truly felt sure of ending things before I did. And we had communicated over the course of our relationship where we were unhappy and uncompatible—we just had such a hard time letting the deal breakers actually be deal breakers, which dragged on the relationship for much longer than it should have.

When it finally hit me than we needed to break up, the realization made me feel sick, and I knew I couldn’t pretend that I felt happy or confident (in myself or in the relationship) any longer. I had been fooling myself, telling myself he was worth it, that relationships have rough patches, that he would change, that we had been together so long and he was the only one that “got me.” NOT SO!

Flashback to the end of our engagement. I couldn’t sleep through the night and felt physically ill from anxiety. My body was telling me what to do and fighting it only made me feel more sick. It was not an easy break up by any means. Eight years of a partner, of a best friend, of experiences, of faux stability. It was daunting to let all that go. But what I realize now is that I was actually letting go of something unhealthy. On the surface, we seemed like a great couple. Happy, in love, compatible. Behind the scenes, I kept everything hidden. Yeah, I really loved him, and we had good, fun, happy moments. But I did not let on to anyone of our struggles. We just did not align on really important topics, like our values and future goals.

For the first time in my life, I chose me instead of him. And I am really happy now. I met my current partner and realized what compatibility was. I quit my job, went back to school, and found another job that made me feel more fulfilled. I started seeing my friends more and doing things I was interested in, rediscovering who I am and what I want and what I don’t want. Don’t get me wrong, adulting is still incredibly difficult, but I feel relieved not having to worry about being with my ex. We just weren’t right together, and we are doing much better apart. Both of us.

My current boyfriend is now my soon-to-be-fiance. We went to high school together, but we didn’t know each other (he’s a few years older than me). While I was finding myself after the breakup with my ex, we connected through mutual friends and both happened to be single at the same time. He is someone I found interesting and attractive in high school, and we had randomly run into each other at least once a year for 10 years (at festivals, a party, a restaurant, etc), so the intrigue had built on both our ends but like I said, we didn’t really know each other and I was always in a relationship. When we were both single at the same time, we were able to put that intrigue to the test and compatibility made sense to me from the get-go. What I thought I had with my ex was nothing compared to what I have in this relationship. In the amount of time I was with my ex, I didn’t feel or experience of grow the way that I have with my boyfriend. Maybe it’s because I’m an adult now, and maybe I needed that relationship to teach me more about who I was and what I wanted, and what I wouldn’t settle for. Breakups are rough, for sure, but in my experience they can lead to an immense amount of growth and opportunity.

If you’re checking out of the relationship, breaking up can be the best decision you make for yourself. Be good to yourself, listen to your needs, take time if you need it, and don’t feel obligated to be with someone you don’t want to be with. There’s a whole world of experiences and people out there <3

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Moonrise. Reason: Edited to remove wonky formatting
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