Fired as a bridesmaid BUT SHE NEVER TOLD ME

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 1
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Good friend of mine…friends for 10 years. Kids are friends, college together, threw her a baby shower etc. 

She and her soon to be DH got engaged and asked me to legally marry them in a small ceremony (I am a legal officiant) and of course I was happy to. 

Fast forward, real wedding planning begins. She asks me to be a bridesmaid, I enthusiastically said yes! She wasn’t that enthusiastic about it, mentioning something about bridal party balance or something. I was so excited I guess I didn’t think much of it.

we had a few conversations about planning and such. She sent some pics of dresses and such. I just asked that she let me know when we needed to order so that I could budget and such (dresses were a bit pricey. I didn’t complain, just asked for a timeline. I make enough it was fine.)

she had said they had gone to a few boutiques but they couldn’t find many places they liked here (she didn’t like DB, wanted something more couture or something.) I made a few suggestions for places to look since I am a local to the area. She seemed to get irritated with me, thinking I thought she was “an idiot.” I was taken aback at her response, apologized and just told her I was trying to be helpful.

Anyhow, some time went by and I didn’t hear anything. I was going through a divorce but I still was reaching out, I was looking forward to supporting her on her big day.

i tried reaching out multiple times via message, text and phone call. I eventually left her a voicemail asking if I had made her angry, or if she didn’t want me to be part of the wedding or whatever just to let me know. Nothing. We had one half hearted attempt to get together but my kids were sick, and couldn’t make it. No discussion about anything otherwise.

until I got a request for my address for a wedding invitation (I had since moved.) Obviously with the wedding so close she didn’t expect me to be in the bridal party.

i rsvp that I would attend, and really don’t want to be petty or let this ruin our friendship. I am extremely happy for them and want nothing but the best. But at the same time, I feel like it’s EXTREMELY rude and cowardly not to have a conversation with a good friend to tell them something like this! 

I have never heard of someone firing a bridesmaid WITHOUT EVER TELLING THEM. And I am unsure how to feel about our friendship or going to the wedding. I really am not someone who is into drama or would not be the kind of person who wouldn’t be extremely understanding about things. 

I have considered that maybe she was worried that I couldn’t afford it, or had too much going on in my life. Or, maybe she just got really irritated not understanding my intentions when I was trying to be helpful. Either way, I feel like a conversation would be in order. 

I have agonized over this with my social anxiety for quite sometime now, and would appreciate the input of a community of brides who understands all the nuances and delicacies of a situation such as this. Thank you bees!

Post # 2
Member
14160 posts
Honey Beekeeper

There’s no way I would attend if that’s really what happened. There is no excuse. My guess is she thought you were judging her for her choice in expensive, “couture” dresses. Brides are supposed to consult their parties, something she obviously doesn’t think applies to her. 

Post # 3
Member
1521 posts
Bumble bee

There seems to be a piece of this story missing, specifically the lack of communication or a miscommunication. You clearly had touched base about planning social get togethers between her asking and the wedding invitation. Why didn’t you bring it up at that time?

Sounds like you both avoided talking about it directly or there was a serious miscommunication somewhere. Either way, I would either pointedly attempt to clear the air with her IN PERSON or would drop the friendship since it’s too weird to not communicate about something like this with a so-called friend.

Post # 4
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, Maybe she thought with your divorce, she probably wanted to give you space away from weddings etc….

However a good friend would have spoken to you, or, you know supported you through your divorce. At the very least checked in with you occasionally. 

It seems very odd that you went from officiant to bridesmaid to guest. It seems potentially that she’s changed her idea for a wedding several times too. However again she should have had the decency to talk to you.

also rereading this maybe she took the argument as the time she no longer saw you as a bridesmaid, maybe something was said then, but you were taken aback and apologetic so didn’t see at that moment she had said you weren’t a bridesmaid anymore?

Post # 5
Member
1181 posts
Bumble bee

Wait, wait, I’m confused. She asked you to be a bridesmaid INSTEAD of the officiant or in addition to being the officiant? And why does her sending you a wedding invitation necessarily mean you’re not a bridesmaid? I sent my bridal party invitations.

Nevertheless, it sounds like you did everything you could to salvage the friendship, and she’s being a jerk by ignoring your attempts to reach out. Unless you said more than just the store recommendations? I think you ought to try meeting up with her again and clear the air. 

Post # 6
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

View original reply
unbridesmaid :  Ugh. My best friend actually had this happen to her a few years ago, and it was so childish and petty and frustrating. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. People can get ridiculous around their weddings, there is no excuse to treat a friend like that. If she was upset with you or for any other reason didn’t want you to be in the bridal party anymore, she should have communicated it, simple. You’re feelings are valid, and it’s big of you to still attend the wedding. I would recommend talking to her first before going though. You are a guest to her wedding and supposed to be a dear friend- you shouldn’t have to have all this stress and uncertainty about going to what is supposed to be a fun celebration with people who you care about and are supposed to care about you. ESPECIALLY since you were such an importantly part of their actual ceremony. Hopefully, she’ll apologize and offer some sort of explanation that will put you at ease that attending the wedding won’t be awkward and uncomfortable. If not, well that tells you all you need to know about that friendship. Good luck bee!

Post # 7
Member
2986 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
unbridesmaid :  I’m a bit confused as well. How did you find out you were uninvited as a bridesmaid?

 

But regardless of that, she doesn’t sound like someone I would ever want to be around. She sounds like she’s spoiled and would make anything into drama. I wouldn’t want to be around that.

Post # 8
Member
4370 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

So I’m assuming that because she never communicated with you about ordering a bridesmaid dress, that is how you “found out” that you were no longer a bridesmaid? Are you still supposed to officiate? 

I would try to go for coffee with her and talk about it one-on-one. Maybe she took something you said the wrong way, maybe there was a missed text message, maybe she assumed you had too much on your plate and made the decision for you. But you’ve been friends for 10 years, you should be able to discuss this without it ending the relationship.

Also, I have to add that she sounds like a really crappy friend since you’re going through a divorce and she just ghosted you for months . I found out who my real friends were when I got divorced… a friend like this would have been left behind. 

Post # 9
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I already legally married them for free in a home ceremony far prior to the wedding. Then they asked me to be a bridesmaid in the public event. Then fired me without telling me. 

The wedding is very soon, and on their wedding website it shows pictures and bios of the wedding party and I’m definitely not there. 

 

Post # 10
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

There has got to be something missing here….

Post # 11
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I am sure she has her own view of this, I’d be happy to hear it. It’s not the whole “I’m not a bridesmaid” thing. I’d never let that ruin a friendship if I could help it.

its the lack of communication on the whole thing. And it would have been nice to have a bit of support through one of the hardest years of my life. I feel like she intentionally has avoided me, busy life considered. That’s what hurts, is not respecting me enough to just communicate honestly and openly. If she wanted me to step down for whatever reason, or I offended her. Please, tell me. That’s why I’m hurt by it. I’m hoping we can talk this through.

i assume I offended her or frustrated her though I didn’t mean to. I also think that it has to do with that she thought I may not have been able to afford it all. I could have, and if she had asked I could have told her. I understand brides lose their minds sometimes with weddings and do things that they normally wouldn’t. Been there done that, it’s a ton of pressure. I just would hope that a friend would talk it out instead of avoiding the whole thing entirely. 

Post # 12
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
unbridesmaid :  Hmmm…

I think it is related to that day she got mad about your suggestions (unless another part of the story is missing here).  Could something you said in that exchange have been taken in the wrong tone/context?

Hard to convey emotion over text, so i am wondering what the message you sent was like? And what she was responding?

In any case, this is super immature and rude. I am a push over and probably would go, but i couldn’t imagine the friendship continuing the same. It would probably fade out, so it is up to you if you want to even attend. 

Post # 13
Member
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Is there ANYWAY something happened that you don’t know about? Is your ex husband friends with her fiance? Maybe he said something about you that upset her? Maybe her kid got upset with your kid, made a big deal and now she’s uncomfortable with you? Do your parents talk to her parents? Maybe something happened there? Did you ever make a comment that made it seem like you don’t support the marriage or ANYTHING she could have taken the wrong way?

People typically don’t just “fire” a bridesmaid unless something very serious happened that hurt the friendship. There must be somethinggggggggg

Post # 14
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

I wouldn’t go to the wedding. I’m so sorry. You sound like an understanding friend and she is just being rude not even giving you any sort of explanation

Post # 15
Member
47423 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Don’t assume anything. Use your words and ask her. Tell her you noticed that you are not listed in the bridal party and ask her if she has cut you without notifying you, and if so, why.

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