(Closed) first big disagreement/disappointment since wedding :(

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m sorry that you felt like he didn’t care enough to stay. I will tell you what I tell my friends (and myself) during similar situations. Sometimes people are going to be selfish. He can be the most loving man in the world, always supportive- but you have to realize he’s just a human and sometimes we make poor decisions because we think of ourselves first. If this is so out of character for him, I suggest you just bring it to his attention and let him know how much it hurt you. It’s not that he wanted to hang out with his friend, it’s that you felt he wasn’t there when you needed him. Hopefully, by bringing it up and discussing it, you both will learn something from it. 

I’m sorry if you weren’t looking for advice, sometimes I just want to say it. But I felt this was important enough to mention, I think we sometimes forget that our heroes are still people. 

Post # 4
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

*I meant, sorry if you weren’t looking for advice. when I’m angry sometimes I just need to vent as well…

Post # 5
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Awwww, honey – men can be such insensitive pricks sometimes! I have learned to treat fire with fire and when mine is being less than supportive, I tell him I’m going to visit a friend, or I tell him nothing at all, and I sometimes go to Barnes and Noble, buy a book and a coffee and read for a while. 

It sounds like you are so busy and stressed from working two jobs, so taking a night off from cooking and doing something for yourself might make him stop and think. And it might do you some good.

Post # 8
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m so sorry you’re so stressed and having a rough time. However, I do want to remind you that perhaps the incredible amount of stress is clouding your judgment about your Darling Husband a bit. It was a Friday night and as you said, he has been really busy too. His way of dealing with his own stess might be to spend time with a friend. I think it sounds like he was trying to do the right thing by compromising and leaving so you could sleep. And unless you specifically said, “Hey I’m totally distressed…can you stay and comfort me please?” he probably thought he was doing the smart thing by giving you space. 

Anyway, I’m not trying to downplay your sadness and I hope it doesn’t come off that way. I’m just speaking from my personal experience with my SO. Sometimes when I get super stressed, I forget that I’m an adult and it’s my responsbility to soothe myself most of the time…and that people aren’t mind readers and can’t truly know what we want unless we lay it out very simply.

I hope you’re feeling better! I’d ask your Darling Husband to order pizza or make dinner tonight, since you’ve been working so hard and you need a break. Or maybe ask for a nice massage πŸ™‚ 

Post # 9
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Going off what you posted only (and obviously not knowing anything further about your situation), I do not think you have grounds to be angry. He wanted some time with his friend, you didn’t want the friend at your house, so Darling Husband went to the friend’s house instead. Seems very considerate of him.

What did I miss? Did you ask Darling Husband to spend time with you instead of the friend? Because if you told your Darling Husband you needed sleep, and acted very upset because you were strung out and tired, then it was thoughtful of him to leave you alone. He might have thought you just needed to rest.

Also, keep in mind that when you are stressed out/upset, this is also very stressful for your partner. So maybe your Darling Husband just needed some down time away from you and your angst in order to continue being a supportive partner for you. You can’t expect your spouse to always prop you up and sooth your problems, constantly, they need space to rejuvenate.

Post # 10
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Well, to be honest, what I read in that was you were tired, were planning to go to bed early and he didnt feel like sitting alone or having an early night. Then you didnt actually tell him you wanted to spend time with him, and he left. So, I’m not sure which one was being selfish but if you wanted him to give up his night to pretty much watch you sleep, then I think it’s probably you. If you expected him to stay in for you and you failed to communicate that, you cant be mad at him for leaving, he cannot read your mind. You will learn, after years of being married, when to let the little things go. Personally I’d have been grateful for the quiet if I was so exhausted and gone to bed early and told him to have a good time. Sorry if thats not what you wanted to hear, but it’s how it read to me.

Post # 11
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee

@evalila: I am sorry :/ i hope you feel better and not so stressed out anymore. You should tell him how you feel, so that he knows to not leave you when you’re so upset. i don’t think he meant to hurt you, I think he believed it was best to leave the house so that it would be quiet enough for you to get some rest..

but i don’t blame you for being angry or upset.. I am a newlywed as well and I would be hurt if my hubby left me while I was crying or stressed out.

Post # 15
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@evalila:  Well love, to prevent fights and preserve your sanity, you need to learn really early on that men dont think or behave like we do and they have NO clue how to mind read. Think of them like the simplest of children. If you want something, you must request it. If you expect something, tell him so and explain clearly why, how, where and when. It”ll save you so much time and tears in the long run…lol.

Post # 16
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Darling Husband and I had this happen many times during our dating relationship. I thought he knew that if I was upset/crying/stressed that it was not okay to leave (in situations similar to yours). We had several disagreements over it and the conclusion that we came up with (for our relationship), is that he is NOT a mindreader. Guys think differently then women– if my Darling Husband is stressed or upset or tired, he generally wants me to leave him alone. I am the opposite– and it sounds like you are too. It was difficult for my Darling Husband to understand that I needed him even if I didn’t straight up ask for him to stay.

What do we do now? I tell him, point blank, what I need from him. Whether that’s staying and helping me relax or leaving me the heck alone. Sure, we’ve been together 8 yrs and I shouldn’t have to tell him, but honesty always works. Darling Husband wants to make me happy, and I’m sure yours does too. Talk to him, tell him why your upset, and work out a plan for the future so that you’re both on the same page.

Good luck OP, and I second the advice of a PP that said to take some “you” time and have him help out so you can get a bit of a break πŸ™‚

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