(Closed) First big fight with FI.. Please help I don't know what to do.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MinnesotaRedneck:  

Well, I think you are both too young to get married especially with only knowing eachother for a year.  Hes 23…hes going to look at porn.  That is normal.  You shouldn’t scold him for it.  At your age you both have a lot of growing up to do.  I met my Fiance when I was 20.  We took our time since we were in college.  We had goals we wanted to achieve before we settled down.  We also know people do change as they get older.  That is why it has taken us 5 years to get married.  You are both still so young that you really dont know yourselves yet.  I barely know myself and im almost 26! He seems that is not interested in marrying you anymore.  He has made it obvious to you but doesnt want to hurt you, which is why he says “IDK.”  Give him the ring back and start moving on.  I dont see this working out. 

Post # 33
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

It doesn’t matter how much you went through or the experiences you’ve had. All that matter is that you and him are not ready to get married. 

Let’s start with him: He has no financial standing. You talk about debt, and by the sounds of it, it’s a lot of debt. Do you really want a life with this joining you? He also is not talking to your parents a little less than a month of getting engaged with you? That’s not right. Family fights are common, but unless your family did something insanely horrible to him, he has some issues. Oh, and he didn’t come see you in the hospital. That’s pretty big. 

And for you: You physically intimidated him. It doesn’t matter what it was or how angry you were. You laid hands on him in anger that was meant to cause physical harm. Unless he was charging at you, there was no excuse for it. Like everyone has said, I’d be out the door with no questions asked. 

Oh, and the fight was over youtube and watching cheap videos? Insecurity ruins a lot of relationships. Yes, you can ask him to cut back or to not watch them when you are around, but you can’t demand he stop all together. You are setting him up to fail. He obviously wants to do this. Either live with it or move on.

And finally, you went to his mom. You didn’t solve your problems like you mentioned you wanted to. You ran away to a PARENT and then had your friend text him about the hospital. In what part of this did you stop and say, “Let’s calm down and talk.” I’m sure you did after the fact that you got everyone else involved. Now what do you expect from your FMIL? This is something you do not forget. 

Post # 34
Member
4562 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with most of the PPs about involving his parents and the physical violence, but you asked what you should do.

Imo, you should give him time and space (without constant calling/texting) and use the time to start working on improving the things you need to work on as a person (i.e., the overbearing/pushiness, communication, the sudden anger, the dependence on parents as mediators, etc.). The relationship may work out, it may not.  Either way, the improvements you make for yourself will be beneficial for this relationship or later ones.

Give him a week (maybe two?) and ask him if the two of you can sit down and talk, face to face. Then you’ll have a better idea of whether or not it’s over and what steps need to be taken.  Don’t talk to his parents about this meeting (or yours) – it’s between you and him.

Post # 35
Member
2530 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think you both need to grow up a bit.

You got into a fight and ran to his mom to talk about it?
She’s just going to tell you to do things that are best for her son. Not you.

You don’t sound like the type who needs to fix things… you sound a little like someone who wants what she wants and nothing else. You aren’t even trying to talk with your Fiance about things that bother you – you kept it bottled up inside and then unleashed your full anger and frustration on him without even attempting to speak with him calmly and in a fair manner. That’s not a functional relationship at all, let alone one that’s ready for marriage.

I mean, you hit him when you didn’t get your way. You don’t really sound sorry about it, honestly. You say you’ll never do it again – but honestly, that’s what they all say.

Are you sure that you’re ready for marriage?

Post # 36
Member
7646 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

If I were him I’d call it off because YOU hit him. And, you admit it was wrong, but you hit him with no real reason, and you don’t even sound like you’re sorry for it. Just “oh I hit him because I was mad. It won’t happen again.” No, you shouldn’t have done it in the first place.

And if I can give you one other piece of advice for this relationship or any other do NOT involve his mother in your arguements. One, that is HER son. You can’t go to your parents becuase they already feel how they feel about him, but you can NOT involve his mother and try to turn her against her son. You start with this and it’s going to be over pretty fast.

Post # 37
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You don’t describe your Fiance enough to really determine if he’s mature enough for this type of relationship but you certainly don’t seem mature enough.  I suggest you all take a break and you get some therapy to deal with your issues.

Post # 38
Member
3725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MissCalifornia:  +1

The relationship sounds very immature. Crying to his mom, hitting him, going through his phone looking for things to catch him on, etc. Maybe you all need to cool it and see what happens in the next few years. Twenty-one is very young IMO. I’d recommend less boyfriends and more girlfriends. Go have fun and see the world!

Post # 39
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I fully agree with everyone here saying to give it more time. The specifics of your argument are up to you (personally I think a YouTube video isn’t a reason to get upset, but many people do) but the way you handle the argument is not a good sign for a healthy relationship. It doesn’t mean that you two aren’t meant to be together eventually. But if there are doubts lingering NOW, they won’t go away with marriage. Give yourselves another year to work it out. If it’s true love, then neither of you is going anywhere in the meantime. If it turns out to be the wrong match, you’ll be happy you waited before committing.

Post # 40
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@JLR1982:  <– 100%. The issues outlined are yours to handle. Your hitting him, no, just no. 

Post # 41
Member
3091 posts
Sugar bee

@MinnesotaRedneck:  I guess I dont really understand. He agreed to cutback watching porn..not stop all together, so why did you get SO upset at him? I mean forgive me if I am missing information, but that is how i read it?

Guys watch it, thats what they do. I mean if it was everyday or over the top too much then that is a different story but it seems like he said he was going to cut down then you saw it in his history and got mad. If he had agreed not to watch at all, then i understand.

However, it seems at this point he is a little “numb” I use to be alot like you, and still am sometimes in the “i want to talk and work this out right now” aspect. but I have learned to just back off and talk about it later and honestly – we rarely and i mean rarely fight anymore. Give him some space, he may be feeling a little.. im not sure how to word it. Maybe “back off, your not my mom I dont see the big deal”? Give him space and discuss it. I think you need to hammer out if he can watch it or not though, maybe he is just as confused as i am about it!

Post # 42
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Agree with PPs about maturity and maybe needing to wait to get married, if not find someone else.

But it is totally okay that you don’t like porn. Hate when women defend it. Porn is totally fine in theory, but in practice internet porn goes hand-in-hand with sex slavery, violence again women, economic exploitation and tooons of other things. You are not uptight for not likeing it. I think people who defend it as harmless and normal have done zero research on its effects and how it is made. 

Post # 43
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@ohmybears48 

perfect response! Exactly what I was thinking. 

Post # 44
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

You should just leave him alone for a while and let him come back to you. But please don’t rush into marriage so young! As said before, there’s no point in having a family if the groundwork of the couple isn’t stable. If you can’t survive as a couple alone, you won’t survive as a couple with chidren for sure.

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