(Closed) First Crush While In a Relationship

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
728 posts
Busy bee

This is an odd situation because you literally have to be physical with another man besides your husband for work. But being attracted to another human being is going to happen throughout your life and marriage. Just because you get married doesn’t mean you stop noticing other men. Your actions and choices are what should change and what will make or break if you cheat on your spouse, emotionally or physically. You need to keep it 100% professional and stop doing things with him outside of that. Like smoking. And honestly you need to get a grip soon because if this is your career you should be mature enough to handle what you have to do with other male actors

Post # 17
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 1974

I think you can be aware other men are good looking without “fancying” them. But in all my years, no one has ever lived up to my husband when it comes to looks and I can say that with all honesty.

Post # 18
Member
7591 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You need to stop indulging in this. It’s not a crime to notice someone is attractive, but you need to shut down any further thoughts, stop spending your time daydreaming about him, and definitely put a stop to any extracurricular activities with this guy. No smoking, no grabbing a drink, no texting or emailing if it’s not work related…just shut it down. 

Post # 19
Member
9081 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Crushes happen. It’s not the end of the world.

Just don’t humor it. The grass isn’t greener on the other side.

Post # 20
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

You might think I’m different but I never thought having a crush was a good sign. You can find others attractive but having a crush means you have feelings for that person. Stop hanging out with this guy…focus on your husband, 

Post # 21
Member
1294 posts
Bumble bee

Crushes happen – but accept it for what it is; a temporary infatuation, a blip on the radar. Do not let it go anywhere.

4 years in to my relationship I developed a crush on somebody who is now a good friend. I see him most days but now we’re just that; friends, with no possibility of becoming anything more. I just ignored the feelings and eventually they went away quietly.

Post # 22
Member
9966 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

How would you feel if your husband was doing the same thing in the same circumstances you’re in?  I personally would feel very betrayed and hurt if my husband did/felt something like that and I would expect him to stop putting himself in the situation. 

It might be normal to have crushes while married but it has the potential to cause harm.  Playing with fire sometimes leads to getting burned.  Shut it down or risk hurting your marriage.  You don’t have to continue spending time with this man beyond the stage time you’re required to spend, especially knowing you have a crush on him already.  Imo, it’s not worth risking your marriage over.

Post # 23
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 1974

Wow… am I the only one who doesn’t think it’s “normal” to have crushes while married/in a relationship?

Post # 24
Member
9966 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
davidswife :  Well, I’m with you, I’ve never been the least been attracted to any other man besides my husband since the day I met him. 

But some people do have that happen but still love and want to stay with their spouse.  Saying it’s “normal” is a non-judgmental way of saying it can happen that you find someone else attractive but it’s best not to pursue anything unless you are choosing to risk damage to your marriage.

Also, the definition of the word, “crush,” I think tends to be different for different people.  A crush to me involves both finding another person attractive as well as having an emotional attachment to them.  Finding someone else attractive in a detached way is one thing, adding emotions is when playing with fire comes in.  To me finding someone else attractive doesn’t necessarily mean you have a crush on them.

Post # 25
Member
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
davidswife :  It’s not “normal” for you.  I’ve not found myself being attracted to other men yet either, but it wouldn’t be true to say OP is not normal in general, since clearly she isn’t the only one.  Plus I just don’t think it’s at all productive to say that OP is not normal.  She’s already having these feelings.  

Post # 26
Member
7591 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
davidswife :  I don’t think of having a crush on someone while in a monogamous relationship as being normal or abnormal…I just think it’s dangerous and in bad form. That said, I think your posts are coming off as a little self congratulatory and judgmental. Like congrats that you never in your life have thought a single other person besides your husband is attractive since you met him…but how is that helpful to keep repeating on here?

To me, a crush is something you can control, while finding someone attractive isn’t really that controllable. I haven’t had a crush on anyone since I met my fiance, but I have occasionally encountered people at work or on tv lol and thought “hmm this person is kind of attractive.” But that’s as far as I would ever let it go. Where you get into trouble is having the conscious thought that someone is attractive, and then continually choosing to put yourself in situations where you indulge that thought. That could be something as “innocent” as sticking a cutesy emoji onto the end of a “work” email to this person so that your correspondence goes from strictly professional to something slightly more, or it could mean meeting after work for 1 drink that turns into 5, or any number of things. As I told the OP, you just have to shut this shit down. 

Post # 28
Member
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
tiffanybruiser :  I got a self-congratulatory vibe from the posts as well.  

Also completely agree with the rest of your post.  OP is at the borderline now between events outside of her control and future events within her control.  So if the goal of our advice is to try to steer her away from danger, then conclusory, “you’re just a bad person then” statements aren’t going to help her do that.

Post # 29
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 1974

I am not being judgemental and if I come across that way, it is unintentional. As I said in my first comment, my thoughts are probably not going to be helpful, but I was asked my opinion, so I was just getting across what I was trying to say.

Post # 30
Member
7591 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

 

View original reply
davidswife :  The OP is looking for advice on how to handle this situation; she is not seeking opinions on whether having a crush on someone who isn’t your husband is normal. Saying “I’ve never been in this situation and I don’t understood how anyone ever could be!” and then following that up with multiple additional comments that say the same thing is not advice. There is a word for it though: humblebragging.

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