(Closed) First Crush While In a Relationship

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
4210 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

No one is saying don’t be social.  But would you be OK with your husband drinking or smoking with a woman he has a crush on?

Post # 48
Member
7639 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
bingewatchingqueen :  Yes but by the same token, don’t sacrifice your marriage for your social life.

This isn’t just “being social”. This is hanging out with a guy you’re crushing on. It’s also doing it at the expense of time with your husband. You’re saying “I’m so busy lately, rehearsing until 11”, so you already know you don’t have much time. But then you to go out and socialise with cast members even after that. You’re giving your husband low priority. Anyway I’ve never understood the need to socialise with work colleagues who you’re already around many hours a day.

Post # 49
Member
1455 posts
Bumble bee

Look, ugh, this is hard to admit, but I get crushes pretty easily. I can’t help it, I’ve always been kinda boy-crazy. I love my husband more than anything in the world and find him super attractive, but it happens. What weirdly works for me is imagining that the guy has a deal-breaker flaw, like he’s reeeeeally abnormally close with his mom, or is into really disgusting porn, or is just generally a womanizer. Usually kills any actual feelings and turns it into a “you’re attractive but I would never, ever pursue you” thing.

Post # 50
Member
2888 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

To me, crushes are normal but you need to not add fuel to the fire. Going out with your cast mates after spending all night with them is like throwing a can of gasoline on an already burning fireplace.

I completely agree you need to have a social life outside of your spouse, but not with someone you’re already crushing on ! Think if the situation is reversed. How would you feel?

If you “have” to go out with your cast mates for fear of being socially ostracized,  go out ONCE a week, not every night. You can choose to make your marriage a priority and it almost sounds like you’re not because you’re instead choosing these late nights instead.

You can also picture your crush with morning breath and stinking up the bathroom.

Post # 51
Member
47 posts
Newbee

This sounds completely normal – crushes happen even in perfectly healthy relationships imo and the fact you actually have to kiss this guy makes it more intense. 

Don’t beat yourself up over it but don’t act on it either is my advice. The infatuation will pass if you choose to let it, but if you pursue it I guarantee you’re in for a whole lot of trouble.

Post # 52
Member
230 posts
Helper bee

Imagine your husband is in the same room when you are with him.

Post # 53
Member
2686 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: County courthouse

I’m married and I’ve had crushes. It’s fine as long as you don’t drive yourself crazy thinking about him and don’t act on your feelings. Your feeling for the dude will fade with time. Remind yourself why you chose your SO. Please don’t compare your SO and this guy…it’s a bad road to go down.

Post # 54
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Eh–I don’t think crushes are the worst depending on how you handle them (physically and mentally!).  If you’ve never been attracted to someone besides your spouse–awesome!  But for those of us that have, it’s important to admit to ourselves so we can and may need to actually put the boundaries in place.

OP–for me, I think it through all the way.  Not fantasizing about bodies/sexual encounters because that’s not going to help the crush–but more, really thinking:  so, if we got together, if we slept together, if we broke up with our SO’s and ended up togther…literally the ugliest, worst case scenario.  How would I feel then if all that happened?  Would I be happier?  Would I have broken my hubby’s heart?  Would I find this other guy so attractive when he’s the one leaving the toilet seat up or having the infuriateing man cold sniffle pouting sessions?  Do I want to stand beside him to do dishes, etc? Do I want him holding back my hair when I’m puking from food poisoning?

And as a PP said–imagine if your husband were him and some other woman was you.  Or if your husband were in your place?  How does it make you feel?

All these thoughts kill the crush for me.  Think it really through and give it time, and you’ll move on.

I honestly think trying to “ignore” feelings sometimes makes them seem even more desirable or something…thinking it through can be what brings us back to reality.  So, think it through all the way, then keep the boundaries in place you talked about.  You can’t change what has already happened, but you can immediately put some boundaries into place.

I wouldn’t tell husband you have a crush, but i would be very very open about interactions you have with the guy because it will help keep you accountable you know?

Post # 55
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

 this is a reason why this site is so cool- being able to discuss topics that other outlets would not.

Post # 56
Member
203 posts
Helper bee

I had a crush on a guy in college. We had several classes together. I was already with my hubby, we were living together but still dating. I knew it was a crush by the fact that I never mentioned I had a boyfriend, I was probably shamelessly flirting with him. It ended one day when the guy asked me out on a date and I didn’t know how to respond, except to say no. I never told my hubby about it and I felt guilty for a while. The semester ended and I stopped thinking about him. That was like 5 years ago. 🙂 

Post # 57
Bee
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016 - New Hope Presbyterian Church/Graystone Quarry

I don’t think you need to feel guilty, a crush or physical attraction to someone who’s not your husband is normal. Have you told your husband how you’re feeling about this other guy? Whenever one of us is feeling this way, we usually just talk it out and try to figure out where our relationship is feeling stagnant so that we can fix it. We end of lavishing so much attention on the other when we realize something is going a little awry that the significance of the outside person to our life diminishes pretty quickly. It’s normal, but I don’t think I would keep my feelings to myself. It might be a tough conversation to have with your husband, but the honesty and trust you build by opening up is so worth it. 

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