(Closed) First deployment 😒

posted 4 years ago in Military
Post # 2
Member
6272 posts
Bee Keeper

caleighsmith65:  I don’t know the answers to all your questions but my Fiance who was in the military says the young guys with girlfriends either get a ‘dear John’ letter during deployment or they marry their girlfriends fairly quickly when they get home. Partly because active deployment in a war zone makes you grow up quickly and partly to get the benefits of being a married couple.  As other bees with husbands in the military will tell you, if you’re married you are in the military as much as they are. 

Post # 3
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

caleighsmith65:  Darling Husband and I are both AD military so I understand what you’re going through. Because we are both active we take turns going to “sea duty” meaning one of us will always be at a deployable command. It sucks, but if you can get through it it will bring you so much closer. Distance is part of our lifestyle and we make it work because at the end of the day I’d rather be with him half a world a way then have anyone else right by my side.

I don’t agree with PP that you’re just as much military as he is. Quite frankly I find that really disrespectful to the women who joined and are actively serving their country as well…but that’s neither here nor there.

I don’t have any advice, unfortunately with this its a situation where time will tell. It’s going to either pull you apart or push you together. I hope for the latter bee, I truly do. The only thing I will say is make sure you have a life of your own. 9 months goes so slow if you’re always just waiting for his return.

Post # 4
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

My SO has just come home from his 2nd deployment to Afghanistan  since we e been a couple.. honey it is hard but honestly it’ll be over so quickly. At the time it feels like it’s never ending but you guys will get through it. 😊 All in all comms are pretty good and we spoke every day more or less. Were in the uk so deployment hasn’t lasted quite so long as you guys 😜 But honestly sweets, the first deployment we went through made our relationship. It Was difficult and he was injured when he came home, but even though waiting is hard, missing him is hard, loving him is the easiest thing I’ve ever done ☺️ I’m so soppy!  Just keep busy and enjoy how clean the house is. And in difficult times write him a letter 😊 It’ll all be worth it inthe end.

edit, where’s he going and how long for? He will have a welfare officer at his unit that he can give your contact details to, and he should have a number you can ring if you have any concerns. I don’t know how it works in the us but even though we are unmarried the mod have been amazing to be , especially when he was sent home injured. I wouldn’t worry, as long as he takes the necessary steps to make sure you’re kept informed you can be invikved. i assume his mums his next of kin? How’s your relationship with her?

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  nompkinsbee. Reason: im nosy πŸ˜‚
Post # 5
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

My husband is military and 8 months after we met he deployed for 9 months. We were dating at the time. I was 21 and he was 24/25. Echoing a PP that it will either push you apart or together. There is no way to prepare, no way to really know what to expect because every deployment is different. I won’t get into all the details of our situation here but you can PM me if you’d like. 

My advice would be to have your own life & stay busy. It will make time go by faster and his mind will be at ease knowing you’re fine at home. Take up a class, learn something new, start a new exercise routine, volunteer, etc. I made goals for myself – “I only have 6 more months to lose 15 pounds and get super hot” which made 6 months seem not so long πŸ˜‰ Also try to make friends with the other girlfriends and wives in the unit.

I didn’t need any special paperwork or anything to come to the welcome home ceremony. I coordinated with his parents since they were next of kin at the time. 

Good luck bee. PM me if you have any questions πŸ™‚

Post # 6
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

this its a situation where time will tell. It’s going to either pull you apart or push you together. I hope for the latter.

This! If you feel for him like you say you do, support him every way possible. Don’t give him reason to doubt your intentions. Basically, put yourself in his shoes and conduct yourself how you would want a SO at home to act. 

Are you in college or working? If not, I highly recommend doing so. Set goals and achieve them. These actions have the dual benefit of making you productive and giving you exciting good news to share with him. 

Communication is not how it was when my parents went through the gulf war & Iraq & even Afghanistan. There is skype, facetime, email, facebook and sat phones available now. 

Deployments suck but this is what weeds out the girls from the women in these guys’ lives. 

We go through our 2nd right after we marry. 

Post # 7
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

As for homecoming, maybe reach out to the family readiness group and discuss this issue. More than likely, you won’t be given access to the  base without an ID card. Maybe your guy can make arrangements with one of the married SO’s in his unit to drive you to homecoming? 

Post # 8
Member
6272 posts
Bee Keeper

Navygirl14:  apologies if my comment was disrepectful. I was speaking from what I hear and see from my partners friends who are still serving  and the advice their wives give newly joined up members partners. It’s a particular vocation that impacts partners in a special way. I think it’s useful to be aware of this special dynamic when considering a long term commitment to a man (or woman) who is in the military. I believe this first hand advice to be useful to our young bee here.

Post # 11
Member
6272 posts
Bee Keeper

caleighsmith65:  yup it could be easy for him to end it. But he could do that right now. So could you! itll probably be harder for him being away while you continue your normal life – hence the dear john letters that come in after a few months. I also think is partly why it speeds people getting married too. For that security. Not saying that necessarily the best reason to get hitched but as discussed before periods of deployment do tend to push couoles one way or another. you have to be sure he’s worth waiting for too. 

Post # 13
Member
21 posts
Newbee

Skype!! We would even just sleep together with a skype call going. 

Have your own goals and things to focus on.

I agree that good support from your own people, supporting each other (you and him), and being in touch with his mother are all good things!

I do say – don’t make any hasty decisions just before or after deployment. A fair amount of guys itch to settle down when they return; war really reminds you of your mortality on earth so that along with the medical and financial benefits of being military and married can get many people to marry too soon. 

Post # 14
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Fiance also deploying to the Middle East in 10 days. Though we’ve been together 7 years, he’s only been reserves for 4 years and it is his (and ours) first deployment. Praying 6 months flies by; from what I have heard it does! Some things I have been doing to cope/ prepare … first and foremost I wrote a series of “Open When” letters which I recently gave him and he loved (a lot of girls are doing these now and there’s tons of blogs for ideas). I also planned out care package themes with a timeline and plan to ship out every two weeks .. I think this will help keep us connected and help me feel like I am still taking care of him. Your boyfriend should have his APO address and share with you soon! I also just took to google and blogs on the do’s and do not’s of what to send and what not to send (there is a huge learning curve here with custom forms and whatnot as well).

Don’t watch the news, read the news or articles of any sort. Best advice that has been given to me. It will just add stress and if there is something we will need to know it will be communicated.

I do agree with @mshoneybeespgbuzz on the keeping busy with things! I have a pretty demanding job as it is, but have set a goal for myself to finish my CPA exam while he is away on top of everything else going on (including planning a wedding!).Β 

I am more than happy to share any advice with you I can and maybe we can guide eachother through the long several months to come! Feel free to PM me if you have any specific questions! Best of luck to the two of you – I am sure everything will go well!

Post # 15
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

caleighsmith65:  This is now the third deployment I have experienced with my Fiance. He has been gone since October and returns in 2ish months. Deployments are one of the toughest things to go through, mostly because your friends and family haven’t personally experienced it, so its hard for them to understand what you’re going through and support you in the way you want. My fiance has been in the Army National Guard going on 9 years, and has deployed 3 times in the last 5 years. He has been away more than home. Every branch of the military is different, but deployments suck for each branch pretty much equally. After 3 deployments, below is the advice I can offer you:

 

1. Find the best way, for you, to communicate. For some, this is by writing letters. For others, it is by internet. If your SO’s deployments are anything like the ones I have experienced, he will have WiFi access so you can talk. Get comfortable using Skype and Facebook Messenger. You can video chat on Facebook Messenger too. 

2. Make care packages to send a piece of home, to him. These are always my favorite thing to do during deployments. You can get really creative with the boxes and what you put in there. If you go to USPS.com and search “military”, they will ship care package supplies to you for FREE! It generally costs between $13 (for small boxes) and $17 (for large boxes) to ship to an APO address.

3. Use this alone time to focus on yourself and grow as an independent young woman. Create reasonable goals for yourself, or pick something up while he is away. For some, its a new hobby, or for others its going back to school or doing home DIY projects. For me, I went back for my Masters degree while Fiance has been away. That, alone, has kept me busy. Use the time alone to rekindle friendships or make new ones. I got really close to his family while he was away, and his Mom was a great support for me. 

4. Keep yourself as busy as possible. Your biggest enemy during the deploymeny is a wandering mind.

5. If you work, only take 1 or 2 days off after he leaves. Use these couple days to sad, then gather yourself together and go back to work/school. Try to keep yourself in as normal of a routine as possible. I stayed at my Mom’s for 2 days, then life resumed as normal again.

6. Take advantage of the family readiness group (FRG). They are going to be your main source of information about the unit, events they put on, etc. They will also be the ones who communicate the classified information to you about troop movement, most likely through e-mail. My FRG has a Facebook group I am a part of, which is awesome.

7. Get a deployment countdown from Etsy! I have one that says “___ days until my soldier is home” and I change the block every day. Its nice seeing the number go down every single day.

8. Deployments require alot of trust between you guys as partners. You have to trust each other and that you will both stay committed to eachother. You are both human, and being away from each other but around members of the opposite sex can be tempting. A lot of military relationships fail because of this. Its a harsh reality.

9. When you are stressed or sad, do your best not to complain to him. He has a lot going on there himself, and you don’t want to make it worse by having him worry about you on top of it.

10. Try to stay away from the news and media regarding overseas operations. It will only create stress and anxiety for you.

 

You will absolutely SHOCKED at how fast time goes. I know you don’t see or feel that now, but it will. I truly wish you the best of luck, us bees are always here for you if you need it!

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