- 11 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
Hello bees –
This is my first post . I have been reading the boards for about 2 weeks now & find you all to be very comforting! A bit of a background on me. Only daughter, age 37, one married brother, one unmarried brother, mother is an ex-nun, Dad is a very loving man but has some challenges, bi-polar plus other psychological issues. My FH and I have been together for over 7 years, owned a house together for over 4 years. We are your average couple, work hard, spoil our 2 dogs rotten cuz they deserve it, and enjoy our lives & friends. We live about 4 hours drive from my parents, 2 hours from his. In early July he popped the question. HURRAY! Expected as we had talked about it, just didn’t know when … in a month, 6 months, a year. I was not worried b/c getting married isn’t going to change us much, although we were looking forward to making our world ‘official’.
So the issue. We know what kind of wedding we want – my FH and I have discussed it and agree 100%. Low key but elegant, definitely outdoors (we love the outdoors), definitely with the dogs there. They are a huge part of our family. Neither of us are by any means religious although we are very respectful of those that have faith in their lives. We strongly feel that we do not want to be hypocrytical, worse disrepectful to the RC church, and have an outdoor secular wedding with a priest to bless it if one so agrees to. His father is RC, mother is methodist. And, we would look to have the wedding at a venue that was 2 hours from where we live, and both parents live. Put the 3 points on a map and there is a central point for all – very convenient & we hope most of our family & friends can & do then join us. All that is really important to us is friends & family to be there – for the rest we are really laid back about it, as long as it is respectful and reasonable (more $, than $$$$) – just as we are in our daily lives.
I called my parents on Tuesday to get this out in the open before a family picnic in a few weeks as I did not want any expectations being shared with the extended family. Mom was ok with it for the most part – said she believes I will find God in my own way in my own time. A bit annoyed that it was not going to be in my hometown – my Mom does not believe people leave a 20 mile radius ever. I can respect her for that and am grateful for her support & optimism on the faith front. Who knows, she may be right.
My father went off the deep end. Essentially said “I can not accept that” and slammed the phone down. He then proceeded that night to get in to huge fight with my Mom. Two days in and he is still furious.
Apparently he had the whole wedding planned in his head. In their town, in the church where he attends AA meetings (not mass .. he rarely goes to Mass) with the priest who runs his meetings. The real root cause of the anger is I am not allowing him to show off to those whose opinions he values (his AA friends and those in his daily life) … and “follow tradition”. Part of his control issues. He won’t hear that, reasoning is out of the question with a bi-polar in this state, and believes I am going against everything he taught me. A personal attack on him. My Mom keeps saying it’s not about me – its part of his illness.
I am a very respectful & loving daughter. Right now, one month in to the engagement, I’m ready to say life was good before this, no drama, so we’ll just go back to our lives as a loving couple. My brothers & mom support me and say I should just continue to go for it. My FH is very laid back & says ‘he loves you, he’ll learn to deal with this’. They are right but I can’t even bring myself to look at the bridal magazines. What was fun for a few weeks, is now soo daunting. Why plan a day that you know will be drama. “WHY bother?!?!” is all I can think.
Guess this turned to be longer than I thought. Hope it makes sense. Thanks for listening to me rant. Hopefully my next post will be that I am back on track & HAPPY!