First grandson/granddaughter in the family? Big deal?

posted 2 years ago in Weddingbee
  • poll: Would you want to have the first grandson or granddaughter after lots of the opposite sex in the fam
    Yes, I would want the first grandson/granddaughter. : (15 votes)
    43 %
    No, I would like to have another granddaugter/grandson like everyone else. : (20 votes)
    57 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    1663 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    I was in a similar position to you accept that in our family both sides had a pretty strong preference for a girl. No one in my husband’s family has had a daughter in almost two generations and my own mum told me outright that girls are more fun and more special… Awkward because I have a brother. But I did feel quite a lot of pressure to have a certain gender even though I know we absolutely have no control over it, it caused me anxiety and it kinda sucked !

    and to be honest if we had found out that it was a boy I would probably have not told anyone the gender until after birth because by then no one can at disappointed. I get it. Its shitty but I get it. It doesn’t matter to me at all. 

    We decided to go ginger neutral with our nursery regardless and one of my older relatives threw a fit because I wasn’t doing all pink or blue as if it was some life-altering problem. 

    We’re having the first grandchild on both sides and the coveted little girl that everyone wanted too. Everyone is elated. 

    Funny because the first thing that was said after we announced was ‘maybe you’ll make a boy next time…’

    People are freaking idiots. Pay no mind. They’re outdated and their ideas will die with them

    Post # 32
    Member
    3049 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    For anyone that is familiar with Asian (Vietnamese specifically) family dynamics and the “rankings”, my husband is the eldest of the eldest (of the eldest..etc) so…any child of any sex he has will be made a huge deal. A son would be an even bigger deal. Likewise, for his parents, there are no grandchildren yet and my husband is the only currently with a partner. So, you can already imagine all pressure is on us.

    I don’t subscribe to those beliefs. Hence part of the ultimate decision in why we’ll be team green and announce the pregnancy much later into the pregnancy. That way I can have time to enjoy it before having to shield the incoming hovering storm that will follow.

    Enjoy your pregnancy and set your foot down to anyone being inappropriate.

    Post # 33
    Member
    3049 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    Also, I wouldn’t be quick to try to diminish the feelings or concerns of the other grandchildren’s parents. It’s not jealousy.

    It is a shitty thing for a grandparent to favor a grandchild over the others..and it is hard for the grandchildren less favored and the parents of those grandchildren whom have to deal with the outcome.

    So, you should take that seriously and make sure to shut down any favoritism.

    Post # 34
    Member
    9521 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I think it’s disgusting when certain children are blatantly favored over others.

    If my family did that, they probably wouldn’t be seeing my kids much.

    Post # 35
    Member
    1293 posts
    Bumble bee

    my cousins wife was going on and on about how it’s important to have a girl in the family because her husbands side of the family hasn’t had a girl in over 100 years. I was sitting there like “ehm…I’m not that old yet” 😀

    I think that it’s normal to have a preference for the sex of the baby, but normally people just don’t say it outloud and the preference is only a small one that won’ t really make a difference. I find it disgusting when a preference is presented very vocally and if it is translated into how the child is treated. Being “the first anything” shouldn’t be a thing or mean anything. I find it especially disgusting when someone has 2 kids of the same sex and they decide to have a third one and people assume it’s a desperate attempt in having a different sex.

    Post # 36
    Member
    8167 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    whitewedding88 :  we have the first grandchild period so it isnt the same but…..it is kind of a pain to be honest. While the grandparents are all loving and wonderful they also are a bit possessive and go WAY overboard on gifts (and then give me shit for the fact that my house is always a mess…..ugh…)

    Don’t play into their silly games. Just enjoy your baby no matter what genitalia it has. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    8464 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    whitewedding88 :  

    What nonsense this all is OP, do try not to get enmeshed in it any more. If there is one thing a child does not need it is to be valued less (or  even more ) according to its sex . 

    Stop discussing it with anyone other than your husband and deflect all questions et al by bland ‘ l just want it to be healthy ‘ statements .

    And l agree with the op who said don’t do a ‘gender reveal’. One of the silliest and even rather creepy trends to emerge of recent years, displaying a child’s genitals or whatever the hell people do. It is not, in any case ‘gender’ being revealed, gender being social behaviours associated with but not restricted to male or femaleness. It is a sex reveal, and if people called it by its correct name perhaps they would think twice about doing it . 

    Post # 38
    Member
    1256 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2018

    Not a fan of this kind of thinking…I am one of 7 grandkids on my dad’s side and only one is a male. The blatent favoritism growing up really wasn’t cool. Luckily, as we are all adults that has faded away.

    Post # 39
    Member
    192 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    I hate this whole mindset. It’s so stupid and immature.

    Post # 40
    Hostess
    9672 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

    Honestly this reaks of toxic masculinity and I’d forgo a gender reveal all together if this is their attitude.

    Post # 41
    Member
    70 posts
    Worker bee

    So.. My parents had 5 grandsons. My brother’s fiance was pregnant.  Everyone else (my mom’s sisters, our cousins, family friends) all thought we would be so excited if this one was a girl.  In all honesty, our family liked the fact that we had all boys.  We thought it was fun and unique.  She had a girl.  I love my niece like I love the 5 boys.  She is amazing.  The “specialness” of her being the only granddaughter wore off in about 3 days.  Now, she gets to look forward to playing with trucks in the dirt with the boys wearing tutus because all the only toys we know how to buy are trucks and things that can get dirty but all we want to buy for her are cute girly clothes!

    Post # 42
    Member
    2038 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    It’s not GENDER. It’s SEX.

    Therefore, you would be throwing a SEX REVEAL PARTY. Ugh.

    Aside from all the other nonsense about having girls and boys, which PPs have discussed in-depth, please reconsider the “gender reveal party”. They are such a waste of time and reinforce outdated notions of femininity and masculinity, as well as the gendering of children before they are born.

    If I had done one of these parties, we would have released a rainbow of balloons.

    I also wonder, what happens to the parents of children who are so wrapped up in the pink and blue, girlish and boyish distinctions between the sexes, and then their child ends up transitioning?

    Post # 43
    Member
    752 posts
    Busy bee

    Newgirl87 :  Having a preference inherently implies inequality. What would you say about an employer who had a preference for an employee of a certain race over another? That’s not equality.

    I understand that in some cultures boys are valued over girls (in fact I come from one of those), and I certainly don’t believe that preference plays no role in how children of different genders are treated. Even if you don’t think it does, in subtle ways it does. As a kid, I noticed, but I know my parents did try to make things equal as much as they could. Still, subtle biases are there, and it sucks.

    Oh, and people expressing their opinions is what forums like this are for. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I’d be very alarmed if the Bee had a “yes-man” mentality like anyone who says stuff to the effect of “no criticism allowed” implies that it should. Not everyone is going to agree with every OP or you. Hopefully you can try to see where other people are coming from and/or get over it.

    whitewedding88 :  Honestly, this is extremely petty and I would refuse to be a part of it. Why should a child of either gender be more “spoiled”/more valued/treated differently than their cousins of a different gender?

    This type of thing breeds resentment and jealousy on the part of the children who are not on the receiving end, and even the little biases and differences in treatment get noticed by children. The other thing is that being the “special” child who does get more attention and special treatment will also negatively affect that child. They might think they are inherently more special than the girls in the family. They might wish to be treated like a normal person because expectations on them may be really high–think about the pressure you are feeling to have a boy, would you really like to have your child feel a lot of pressure like that just because he is a boy?

    If I were you, and in fact having a son, I would put a stop to this right now. Expressing something like “Yes, I know our son will be a special kid, all kids are special in their own ways, but I strongly feel we should aim to treat all the cousins equally” might help. 

    By the way, in your first post you said, “We do want the first grandson because the attention and excitememt feels nice” but now that you see that most Bees disagree you say it doesn’t matter to you? The two are mutually exclusive. You can’t want the first grandson, but not care. Either you have a preference or you don’t.

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