- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2008
Last night Fiance and I were discussing the inevitable combining of our finances and how we’ll use our wedding gift money. We’ve got a lot coming up….the start of med school for him, moving, me finding a new job in our new city, etc. We both agree it’s important to pay off whatever credit card debt exists between us first and foremost. That way, without those credit card payment drains, we’ll be able to save money more consistently instead of putting all of our wedding money into a savings account and still carrying credit card balances we pay down little by little.
So, all was fine. We agreed on that, totally fine. Then, I mentioned to him that we still needed to pay my parents back. Last fall, I accepted a federal loan from graduate school, only for my school to have different stipulations for this loan (which I was unaware of…very long story). Long story short, my university withdrew my loan money and instead said I owed them that money (because the loan had been disbursed into my bank account while it was still “mine”…then they took it back). So, I couldn’t register for classes until I paid my balance with the university. This totalled to about $2,000.
I was very stressd and upset, having never dealt with loans before–I was very fortunate that my parents paid in full for my undergraduate education. My parents were more than willing to ‘bail me out’ of this situation. They paid the ~$2,000 to my school so I could register for my classes. When I discussed this situation with them, myself and my parents understood that this was a loan. I’d gotten myself into this, and they bailed me out. I wanted (and do still want) to pay them back. We worked out a payment plan similar to the one that I would have paid to my school, but obviously with no interest or late fees etc. Since the wedding has drawn closer, they’ve let me hold off on the payments to them so I could put that money towards wedding things etc. They are not hounding me for this, but they have mentioned that they do expect to be paid back.
So, last night I mention this to Fiance and he actually got really upset. He said “what kind of parents would make you pay that back. Family helps each other out, at least mine does”. It really upset me. HIs parents have not ever given us a cent or helped us at all. Granted, they can’t afford to, but my parents have been so, so, SO generous to him and us over the past 6 years. They are shelling out tens of thounands of dollars for our wedding. He doesn’t think that this loan is something I/we should be expected to follow through with. I don’t understand it. Obviously, I’d be happy if they were just like “hey, don’t worry about it”, but the thougth of not paying them back kind of makes me feel like a little bit of a failure as an adult.
He kept saying things like “if my parents had the money, they’d just give it to us”, but I dont’ think that’s true. He kept referencing the fact that because my parents have money, they shouldn’t expect me to pay this back especially since we’ll likely struggle so much while he’s in medical school. He kept mentiong things about all of the extensive and expensive home renovations my parents have done int he past few years….like the fact that they can afford to do so meant they shouldn’t need us to pay them back. I explained to him…they dont’ NEED our money…at all….but we agreed upon a loan, and the principle of that is that I–as an adult–should pay them back….they’re not gonig to reposses my car or charge me interest or send me to collections, but I felt that they HAD helped me out, and that it was the right thing to do to pay them back after they bailed me out.
I was just really disappointed in him to hear him say these things about my parents and in so many words called them selfish and bad parents because they would expect that they’d be paid back after a period of time. These are people who have even told us that they’d happily pay thousands of dollars for our dog to get hip dysplasia surgery if he needed it and we couldn’t afford it. They’ve not charged or asked me for my car insurance payments or car taxes (which they still pay), they left me with absolutely no school loan debt after I graduated from undergrad. He just made it sound like his parents would be such much better people than mine if they had money to give us, cause they’d never expect it back.. The “family helps each other out when they need it. Parents help their kids out if they’re in need and don’t exepct anything in return. At least my parents would. I guess your parents have home renovations to complete”. It really, really stung. I’ve never heard him sound so bratty and entitled. He’s the person who rolls his eyes at how spoiled I”ve been in the past. I just don’t understand why he’s so upet. It really upset me. I know he’s super stressed about money and getting ready for med school, etc. But his comments about how my parents are apprently “less” than his would be because they expect a loan to be repaid (in no certain amount of time, mind you. Just eventually), really struck me as surprising, especially from smone like him who has worked for everything he has and put himself through college because his parents have nothing.
I just wanted to get it out because it really hurt me and upset me. He made me qusetion my parents…are they selfish and stingy because of this? We agreed that this was a loan…not two thousand dollars they just handed over because I wanted it.