(Closed) our first (and hopefully last) money argument…(long, sorry)

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

You are doing the right thing- you are acting like an adult and following through on your responsibilities. Hopefully your Fiance will come around. Maybe it would help to explain to him that it is important to you to take full responsibility for your own higher education, and you need to pay back the 2k in order to do so. Also, everything you said in the first paragraph of your second post.

Post # 6
9888 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

First of all, the bottom line is this has nothing to do with your Fiance, really.  This was an agreement you made between you and your parents.  He should respect that and keep his opinions to himself.  Ask him how he would feel in the reverse, if he had made an agreement, of any kind, with his parents a long time ago, and you started hounding him to renege on it, how would it make him feel?  I feel this is completely wrong on your FI’s part and he owes you an apology.  It’s just disrespectful all around, and mostly disrepsectful of you.  If there is an agreement for the money to be repaid to your parents, by you, it is the right thing, as an honest person, to do.

Post # 7
4693 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Sunfire:  I completely agree.

Post # 8
5797 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

I read your post with my mouth open. He is being outrageous. Just tell him you made a promise to pay them back and you don’t break promises. Darling Husband and I have made our families off limits. I don’t comment on the way his parents do things and he doesn’t comment on mine. Different does not mean wrong. He can choose to give his children money whenever they want it when you two have kids but he doesn’t get to dictate the way you and your parents do things.

Post # 9
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@MrsDrRose612:  Money discussions are so TOUGH!!  You do NOT need to explain to anyone what your parents have done for you, or justify why they expect you to re-pay the $2000 loan 🙂  You should NOT need to explain that to your Fiance either, nor should he belittle them for it, bc yes, he is stressed about finances.  It was an agreement between you and your parents. 

They sound incredibly generous, and their expectation of u to pay that back is, well, NOT selfish.  It sounds like they have helped you out a lot, and the amount they are asking for back is so little comparatively.  I think they are trying to make you accountable/responsible as you move thru life.  My mom took out student loans for my education, and every month after I graduated, I gave her a check for what she took on the loan!!  She paid it each month for 4 years…once i was on my feet, the least I could (or the least she could and did expect) was for me to pick up the balance.  I will be damned if anyone thought she was being selfish 🙂

The ‘issue’ lies is in how your fiance is responding to this agreement.  Im sorry, but it really is not his ‘issue’ to meddle in.  Yes, your fiances will combine when you marry, or beforehand. Yes, it is ‘debt’ you will incur ‘together’, but it is what it is, and quite frankly it IS interest free!!  If it were me, and if it is something he is SO WORRIED about, or has such strong feelings on, I would ask him to sit down with your parents and tell him his thoughts.  I bet he would not DARE say those things to them, and/or expect them to just ‘forget’ about it!!

It sounds as if you are supportive of his future endeavors, which will incur debt for you both.  He should be as well.  Maybe his feelings are stemming from the fact that his parents have NOT been able to give him the same things, or contribute to the wedding, etc.  And thus, he is projecting his feelings onto you, and your family.  Continue to communciate about the issue, but make it very clear that in the process, him ‘ranting’ about your parents is hurtful, and unproductive!  GOOD LUCK!!

Post # 11
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Oh wow, I think your Fiance is way out of line.  The reason why your parents do have money is because they have managed it well, they earned it and they deserve to spend it however they want.  In doing so they have taught you to be responsible with money – I believe that is one of the greatest things you can teach your children – your parents HAVE “helped you out” by giving you these skills.  Parents who just give their children money whenever they need it aren’t “helping” them at all In My Humble Opinion.

I honestly would take a huge pause if I found out the man I was about to marry thought it was appropriate to not repay a debt of any kind, let alone one from a family member. To me it is says a lot about one’s character if they are willing to take money as a loan with no intent to repay it.  It isn’t that far from stealing in my book…

Post # 12
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

a) I think you’re perfectly in the right and he’s being assinine and probably talking out of fear/anxiety. 

b) It might help if you wrote out a sort of payment plan for the two of you, so that he could see where the money was coming from and how it won’t have too much of an effect on your day-to-day finances. 

Post # 14
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Wow. How your parents decide to spend the rest of their hard earned money is not only NOT his business, but completely independent of your loan situation. It sounds like he feels pressured about money lately and is making bratty comments as a reaction to that pressure. To say his parents would be more generous IF they have money is irrelevant, because guess what, they don’t! Anyone could make grand statements about money they don’t have. 

A promise is a promise and anything less than paying your parents back in full is taking advantage of their niceness. If he is anything less than supportive next time, I’d just say, well what kind of son-in-law takes advantage of his wife’s parents’ generosity?

This is a huge flag, IF it’s not a one time thing. Like I said, he could just be feeling stressed lately and is reacting poorly…but if it happens again, I would strongly suggest counseling so you can take the correct steps to be on the same page about money. Money fights are a leading cause of divorce and he really needs to get to your level of understanding and respect for your parents, and for you!

Post # 16
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

firstly, your complete shock and surprise over his reaction does show that it was out of character for him and he probably just didn’t think before he opened his mouth. if he really sat down and calmly thought this through, i’m sure he would understand that the $2000 is really not to do with your parents lack of generosity or understanding – it’s clear that they don’t need the money, i think it’s more that it was an adult-to-adult agreement and one that you should follow through with because it you’s responsibility, and i think your parents are right for doing this. if you really couldn’t pay them back and was in no position to be able to do so in the near future, it doesn’t seem like they would be hounding you for it. 

i think that aside from the on-the-surface money disagreement, i think the bottom line is that he absolutely should not have bad-mouthed your parents in any shape or form. that really isn’t anyone’s place, not your SO, your friends, your other relatives, anyone. it’s an unspoken disagreement that others can listen to problems you may have with your parents, but under no circumstances (unless abusive/harmful of course) should they say anything bad about them. i have issues with my parents concerning my SO, and he has every right to be upset about it and to say negative things about them. but he doesn’t, because they are my parents and he respects them because he loves me. and when i speak badly of them to him, he puts me in my place and says, don’t talk about your parents that way, they just love you. in my opinion, that is the right way to go.

i definitely think that he owes you an apology, but i’m sure you can work this out in time, if this was a truly one-off thing. 

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