- 7 years ago
- Wedding: May 2013
Hi, all –
I feel like this site is a real chance for me to lay out my feelings anonymously and get some helpful feedback – your thoughts are so appreciated and I hardly know where to turn. When you are questioning the most serious relationship in your life, it’s really hard to say it out loud to the people who love you most. I am worried that I am letting excitement over the wedding outshadow the importance of focusing on the marriage. SO here goes.
Basically, I have been engaged for several months to an amazing man (my age) I met 3.5 years ago. We lived together for almost a year while I worked in his city before I moved for grad school; my job was not stressful and we had a lot of time to spend together. He comes from a strong and healthy family, wants kids, loves family life, and loves me unconditionally. He loves my family and I love his, and we have the same religious beliefs. He doesn’t have my educational background – even though he’s street smart – but has been able to work in a fairly unique field for the last several years (the whole time we’ve been together). I am much more of a Type A personality, have been in grad school for the last 3 years. Finally, after 2.5 years of a (huge distance) LDR, we are about to be together, engaged, and move to a new city for my new job. He has already notified his job that he will not be returning, and is preparing to move (really, really far) to be with me. We have weathered the LDR with strength and perserverance, thousands of emails, tens of letters, incredible trips, etc. etc. And yet I can’t help but wonder if our LDR hasn’t allowed our relationship to remain in a sort of stasis that, now that it’s coming to an end, has me worrying that we aren’t as well-matched as it always seemed when I was (1) relaxed at my low-stress job and living near him and (2) on vacation because when you’re in an LDR, your time together is like vacation time.
If I ever had these thoughts before, I was able to push them out of my mind. Now, they are coming up for several reasons: (1) we have had several very difficult conversations about his career prospects and willingness to return to school. This is stressful for me because I want to help him succeed in a new career, but I’m terrified he will never have the satisfaction he has in his current, unique job (which he is giving up for me). Unlike me, he’s unhappy in school, and I’m just worried I”m leading him to a place that may make him unhappy, while I’m busy starting a new career. i love him but I’m scared that planning our wedding and starting our life together won’t be enough to sustain day-to-day unhappiness and loneliness from leaving his old job and city. These tough conversations have brought up other little things – differences in senses of humor, ways we like to spend time – that have started worrying me more and more. Are these just things I never had the chance to notice in the LDR?
The second reasons is – during grad school I have become very, very close friends with a man in my program. We work together frequently, and it’s clear he’s my intellectual counterpoint, we have the same sense of humor, love the same activities, also have similar families, etc. He knows me better than anyone besides my Fiance and my own family. This week, he essentially told me that he is in love with me, wants to marry me, and even though nothing like that has ever happened between us, hopes I will have a long hard think about whether I am making the right decision. It is incredibly difficult to hear a great friend say this to me – I feel awful because I can’t tell if his words are coming from a place of pure jealousy or if he sees something really wrong with my relationship with my Fiance. I can sense that my best friend is unwilling to criticize my Fi for fear of hurting my feelings and/or alienating me, but he probably feels that my Fiance is not “good enough” for me. He thinks I am thinking of “wedding” at the expense of “marriage.”
Additionally, I feel racked with guilt for even having these feelings – or even considering what my friend said. Most girls would give their arm to have a Fiance like mine – and I really love him. That’s why I feel like such a traitor for even thinking – am I making the right decision? Do I just need to let him move here and see how it goes when we’re living together and I’m working? Should I tell him how I’m starting to feel before he moves? Is it wrong to be having these thoughts this far into a serious relationship? I’m paralyzed by the idea of our relationship ending, but I’m also terrified that I might be embarking further down a relationship that may never have been the perfect fit if we’d been in the same place all along. I don’t know! I feel like the luckiest and still the most confused person ever.
Help! Who should I talk to? What should I do? What questions should I ask myself? I am in complete thought-mode here, and all your help is appreciated.