(Closed) first post: holidays/inlaws need help, some thoughts

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
14496 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Let her supply the free turkey. For the rest, IMO, go buy everything you need and start everything right away.  Take YOUR kitchen back.  Get all the prep work done, start your baking, have a schedule and menu written up and put it on the fridge before she even gets there.  Hubby needs to set the boundries with the mother, it is time to come out from under the apron and start making you a priority.

Post # 4
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I would maybe look at it as an opportunity to spend time with everybody?  If she is bringing the turkey, then maybe you can all prepare the food together.  It is difficult to go from being the person who makes all of the food to the person who makes nothing, so she probably just wants to keep being involved.  If she is cooking at your house, you have every right to just get in there and make whatever you want too! 

Honestly, what I would do is call her and plan a menu together.  Don’t let her do everything, but don’t shut her out either. 

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

It’s tricky to establish boundaries when you’re on turf that was someone else’s for so long.  A friend of mine went though something similar…the home was given as a gift and it’s about four houses away from the parents.  When they were newlyweds, the parents would walk into the house at will. 

The parents had good intentions, but it became clear that there was a huge codependency issue to navigate.  My friend had a number of serious talks with her in laws over the first few years and plenty of fights with her husband.  Her situation is far from perfect today, but she has estblished a few boundaries.  They are testing fairly often.

 

I think you need to talk to your Mother-In-Law about wanting to set up the house and host things now that you are a wife.  I think you can gently tell her that while she’d trying to be helpful, she’s actually hurting you by undermining your plans.

Good luck…I know this isn’t easy.

Post # 6
Member
46328 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

“fiancee and I are arguing b/c he is saying she’s just being helpful when I feel she’s not allowing me to cook my first thanksgiving at all,”

You are both right. She probably is just trying to be helpful and as a result is not allowing you to cook your first Thanksgiving. Some FMIL’s and MIL’s just can’t see the impact of their behavior. Instead of fighting about it, why not start a tradition of everyone contributing to the meal- each having their own specialty.

If you really want to do the turkey tell her you are doing the turkey , ask her what dish(es)
she wants to make. Your Fiance probably has some favorites that you could ask his mom to make.

Post # 8
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think you should try to look at it as a blessing– you don’t have to buy a turkey, you’ll get to spend time with your family, you’ll get help cooking a huge meal, and you get to have thanksgiving at home instead of traveling. 

I know it’s hard when you want to cook things and be the new wife for your first thanksgiving, but try to look on the bright side.  Call your Mother-In-Law and ask her what kinds of food she’s looking at and have suggestions– tell her you want to make certain things and you’ll pick up certain ingredients.  

Also, yes it is your kitchen now.  I’d have your husband discuss it with his mom, but in a polite way– “Wife is so excited about our first thanksgiving and her first chance to host, can you let her cook and lead a little?” Don’t approach it from a fighting stance, try to work with what you’ve got. 

Post # 10
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@mzM2be: I think it’s totally acceptable to want to be there for cooking the food.  Tell her you’re excited about Thanksgiving and love her help but want to be included as it’s your first one! You might have to put up with some lessons and some “oh I like keeping the spatula over here, it’s much better” but don’t let it get under your skin. It’s your home so let her know your schedule– you can decide when cooking takes place but let her feel included, too.

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