Post # 1
we purchased our home from my future inlaws and the expectation is they stay w/ me and fiancee when they visit. they even bought themselves things for “their room” here.
skip ahead to first holiday we’re hosting as home owners: thanksgiving.
I agreed to cook thanksgiving with my fiancee only to find out his mother has told him she’s bringing a turkey along w/ several other things. This upset me because the kitchen she plans on being in was hers for years and years but is now ours. She wanted to come and stay the entire week (probably to prepare food for Thursday). I told fiancee they should come later in the week since we will both be working/busy.(The turkey she wants to bring since it’s free at the grocer’s but I feel like I could have earned my own turkey, too).
That went over okay but now fiancee and I are arguing b/c he is saying she’s just being helpful when I feel she’s not allowing me to cook my first thanksgiving at all, since I know she is going to be in the kitchen.Future Brother-In-Law even joked to me just let my mom cook everything 🙁 🙁 🙁
Am I wrong? Fiancee says he sees nothing wrong w/ what his mom is doing. I’m so beat down over it I don’t even want to cook anythiing now.
apologies for any things I did with this post that are not accepted for the forum, new to site.
Post # 3
Let her supply the free turkey. For the rest, IMO, go buy everything you need and start everything right away. Take YOUR kitchen back. Get all the prep work done, start your baking, have a schedule and menu written up and put it on the fridge before she even gets there. Hubby needs to set the boundries with the mother, it is time to come out from under the apron and start making you a priority.
Post # 4
I would maybe look at it as an opportunity to spend time with everybody? If she is bringing the turkey, then maybe you can all prepare the food together. It is difficult to go from being the person who makes all of the food to the person who makes nothing, so she probably just wants to keep being involved. If she is cooking at your house, you have every right to just get in there and make whatever you want too!
Honestly, what I would do is call her and plan a menu together. Don’t let her do everything, but don’t shut her out either.
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards
It’s tricky to establish boundaries when you’re on turf that was someone else’s for so long. A friend of mine went though something similar…the home was given as a gift and it’s about four houses away from the parents. When they were newlyweds, the parents would walk into the house at will.
The parents had good intentions, but it became clear that there was a huge codependency issue to navigate. My friend had a number of serious talks with her in laws over the first few years and plenty of fights with her husband. Her situation is far from perfect today, but she has estblished a few boundaries. They are testing fairly often.
I think you need to talk to your Mother-In-Law about wanting to set up the house and host things now that you are a wife. I think you can gently tell her that while she’d trying to be helpful, she’s actually hurting you by undermining your plans.
Good luck…I know this isn’t easy.
Post # 6
“fiancee and I are arguing b/c he is saying she’s just being helpful when I feel she’s not allowing me to cook my first thanksgiving at all,”
You are both right. She probably is just trying to be helpful and as a result is not allowing you to cook your first Thanksgiving. Some FMIL’s and MIL’s just can’t see the impact of their behavior. Instead of fighting about it, why not start a tradition of everyone contributing to the meal- each having their own specialty.
If you really want to do the turkey tell her you are doing the turkey , ask her what dish(es)
she wants to make. Your Fiance probably has some favorites that you could ask his mom to make.
Post # 7
I really like your suggestion.
Post # 8
I think you should try to look at it as a blessing– you don’t have to buy a turkey, you’ll get to spend time with your family, you’ll get help cooking a huge meal, and you get to have thanksgiving at home instead of traveling.
I know it’s hard when you want to cook things and be the new wife for your first thanksgiving, but try to look on the bright side. Call your Mother-In-Law and ask her what kinds of food she’s looking at and have suggestions– tell her you want to make certain things and you’ll pick up certain ingredients.
Also, yes it is your kitchen now. I’d have your husband discuss it with his mom, but in a polite way– “Wife is so excited about our first thanksgiving and her first chance to host, can you let her cook and lead a little?” Don’t approach it from a fighting stance, try to work with what you’ve got.
Post # 9
@julies1949: thank you all of the responses are really so helpful, and saving my poor sister from hearing my moaning LOL
My fI explained about bringing something to prepare but it turned into 3 different things (sweet potatoes, mushrooms, asparagus, and don’t forget the TURKEY. I told him how I feel and he said she can bring her groceries but that WE will cook them. But I am dreading the actually moment this exchange gets made.
I have a hard time faking or covering up my true feelings. Gonna try to keep smiling.
Post # 10
@mzM2be: I think it’s totally acceptable to want to be there for cooking the food. Tell her you’re excited about Thanksgiving and love her help but want to be included as it’s your first one! You might have to put up with some lessons and some “oh I like keeping the spatula over here, it’s much better” but don’t let it get under your skin. It’s your home so let her know your schedule– you can decide when cooking takes place but let her feel included, too.
Post # 11
@tksjewelry:I love your advice. Thank You