(Closed) First Post – I think I’m actually going insane

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Aww Sarah!  πŸ™   (((hugs)))

Waiting is a very difficult time, and you circumstances make it very tumultuous and complicated! Seems like you have made a lot of sacrifices to be with him. I’m starting to wonder if your SO is the most trustworthy person? Or is he really planning something great and he is faking you out.

Therapy is fabulous and it may help you with the funk, to realize its not you kinda thing but I also recommend a serious serious talk with the boy!

Also ask yourself,  rings and marriage aside- is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Have a family? Ride the good times and bad times?

Post # 4
Member
9669 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

So sorry you’re going through this.  In a couple of ways, from your post, it sounds as though he may be leading you on or stringing you along.  A few things you said lead me to think this – first, that he mislead you that he was saving money towards your engagement ring but then you found out he has not been saving.  Also that he is spending money on other things that cost more.  You say his actions and his words are not matching up.  You’ve even gone to the extent of checking his email.  You have made it very easy for him by providing a ring that he only has to pay $300 to have reset.  But still no proposal.  No, I would not keep pushing the issue as a demand.  I would sit down and have a serious heart-to-heart discussion as to where you stand regarding the engagement/marriage issue.  You know him better than anyone else.  Talk to him and trust your instincts about what he says, what his issues are, etc.  You have already given him over 5 years of your life, I think that is a reasonable amount of time to know where you stand in a relationship.  How old are both of you?  Maybe he isn’t ready for marriage for his own reasons, but he absolutely needs to share his REAL and honest reasons with you.  I wish you all the best!

Post # 6
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I would be worried and uncomfortable getting into an engagement with someone who has only $250 in savings and gets massages and goes to Hawaii?

I have a tiny, pitiful savings account, but my money goes to graduate school and living day-to-day.  I’ll have enough to buy FI’s wedding band but I’ve had to do some real budgeting to do that.  However, I’m totally honest about my financial situation with my Fiance.  He knows I’m going to be a poor college student for a while– going for the PhD– and he’s okay with it.  I also don’t live beyond my means– FI’s mom wants to go to NYC this year to try on dresses… I can’t.  

If I were him, I wouldn’t be going to Hawaii and I wouldn’t be getting massages if I really wanted to build a future with you.  I’d be putting money in a savings account and being an adult.

Post # 6
Member
320 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry hon, you’re definitely in a frustrating situation.  Don’t worry, you’re not insane though! I mean, the reading the email and stuff is a little borderline (jk!) but I think most of the girls here (including myself) would agree that your reactions to what is happening are normal and NOT crazy πŸ™‚

Your SO sounds just like mine, always SAYING that he wants to marry you but no action. My SO always has spare money for gadgets for the house, or accessories for his truck, or money to blow at the bar or the pool hall with his friends, but what does he always cite as the reason we aren’t engaged? He says he will ask me when he has the money for a ring. Is he saving? Crap if I know.  But in one week we will have been dating for 4 years and he’s still saying he doesn’t have the money.  His truck looks really nice though and has lots of bass!

Post # 8
Member
6248 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

Welcome to the Hive!

Ugh, I hear ya.  My guy proposed after 7 years together so I totally understand that jumble of emotions you’re going through.  It’s time to sit him and down and have “the talk”.  Let’s face it, you feel miserable and you’re questioning whether you should stay or go.  Keeping it bottled in and not letting him in on what’s going on in your world isn’t good.  You will keep getting angry every time he gets a massage or buys a new game and he will be confused because you’ve never cared before (or something to that effect.)

Let us know how everything turns out.  *hugs*

Post # 12
Member
9669 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@sarahbows:  That sounds like the most likely scenario, that he isn’t ready YET but will be some day.  If you have a wonderful relationship in all other ways you should be able to talk to him (again) and get to the bottom of what his real issues are.  But be careful when you talk to really LISTEN to him and make him feel safe to tell you the truth, whatever it may be.  You don’t want him to continue only saying what he thinks you want to hear.  Tell him that no matter what the truth is or how much it may hurt, you need to know (before you go crazy, lol).  And let him talk.  Then you’ll know where to go from there.

Post # 13
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Its hard to know – either he just isn’t ready for marriage just yet or even though you have a great relationship, he doesn’t see you guys as husband and wife in the future (whether he knows this or its buried deep down somewhere).  It is really hard to know – I feel like I have seen both those people who date for 5-8 years because its good/easy/comfortable and eventually break up because one of them finally admits they are not with “the one” and those that met young, date a long time and eventaully marry when they are ready to take on the role of spouse…..good luck! I hope it is the latter for you πŸ™‚

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