Post # 1
My Mother-In-Law & I’s relationship has come a long long way. Too say we didn’t see eye to eye is an understatement. Fast forward 8 years, (only 8 no big deal) we have done a 180 and I feel like we have a pretty good relationship.
My Future Mother-In-Law & Future Father-In-Law are not contributing financially to the wedding. My parents are graciously paying about half and my Fiance and I will pay for whatever else is needed.
Fiance & I have worked quite a bit on our guest list for the last 2 months and we have accommodated FMIL’s requests to invite family members from other states that we are not super close with. I’ve never met some of them and to Fiance they are “just Facebook Relatives.” These relatives are sons & daughters and their children of her newest husband. My Fiance & I agreed to invite them and honestly, I think they will decline but either way they are on the list.
Last week we finalized and closed the guest list. It was slightly more than we both wanted but we were okay with it. Future Mother-In-Law stopped by FI’s place of work yesterday and told him we needed to invite other relatives. They are the sisters & brothers and their families of a prior husband (FI’s father.) Fiance told her “I’m sorry but the list is closed.” Her response was basically; well you HAVE to invite them. He said the equivalent of “Not now, I’m at work” and she left.
Fiance and I discussed this last night and he would like me to respond to her. Which I’m totally cool with but I need some Bee advice or maybe just validation. So how does this sound? Too bitchy? Too passive? Please let me know! TYIA
“FI and I want to invite just close friends and family. It’s important for us to invite people who have an active role in our lives. I don’t think that the first time I meet these people should be at our wedding. And we would be willing to send an announcement to them letting them know we’re married.”
Post # 2
If they don’t pay, they don’t have a say!
Post # 3
You can also say that the budget is set and unfortunately you can’t accomodate everyone.
Post # 4
If they are not contributing then they really have no right to add people onto the list, especially when it already seems like you have been very good about this. I would say, I am really sorry Future Mother-In-Law but the guest list is fixed and we absolutely cannot afford any more guest and actually, even if you could, you want your wedding to remain intimate.
Post # 5
My cousin was in a similar situation where his parents wanted to invite some more people BUT his parents offered to pay extra to add them! That is the difference. She wants them to come then she can pay you to add them.
Post # 6
On a big sidenote, your Fiance should go a pair and handle his own mother.
ANYWAY – i think your response is good, definitely not too bitchy. I wouldn’t mention the budget though. She could come out of the woodwork and offer to ‘pay for those people’ (been there, done that)
Post # 7
Why do YOU have to answer her? She brought this to her son, and he should answer to her for both of you. It seems like he’s putting you in the middle because he’d rather not be the bad guy. Tell him to answer her himself.
Post # 8
NOPE!! his mom, HE responds in sticky situations. I would let him know you feel more comfortable with him handling the convo.
Post # 9
A: What you wrote to say to her is awesome. Just say it over and over if she keeps fighting and stand your ground!
B: It’s his mother, he shouldn’t be putting this on you
Post # 10
Alright, so census looks like mentioning budget is a definite. Which I will totally do and I certainly agree she should have no say. Love the “no pay, no say” mantra! I want my response to her to be an end all / no rebuttal type of response.
As for my Fiance, I assure you he has a “pair” but I have always been the more dominant one for these types of things; it’s just my personality. If I told him I didn’t feel conformtable or just didnt want to in general he would be fine with that and handle the situation. We are under a lot of stress with some health concerns with his Father so any stressful situations I can take off of him, I absolutely will and don’t mind doing so. We are a great team so there’s not really a middle for us.
I really appreciate everyone’s input and thank you again!
Post # 11
I dont like it when one side is paying a lot, and the other is given an option to have more guests if they pay. That does not seem fair to me. Add to that, sometimes people say they will pay when they won’t. I would just say, very sorry, guest list is final.
Post # 12
Your response sounds good with the addition of it not being in the budget. I feel your pain. My Future Mother-In-Law would make a point to corner me at family events to try and add people to the guest list, so my Fiance and I resorted to responding “its not in the budget, sorry”. It took a few (like 10) times of ending the conversation like that, but she got the point eventually without many hurt feelings.
Post # 13
Definitely do what you feel will be most productive, but I just wanted to chime in to say that Fiance might be the better person to do it is because if it results in an argument and takes a lot of back and forth to resolve, you don’t want that to affect your finally good relationship with Future Mother-In-Law. She can be mad at her son, but he’s her son so she’ll (hopefully!) eventually forgive him. Might be harder if it’s you she’s associated with the problem, even if both you and Fiance are on the same page.
I think it’s a good idea to say it’s not in the budget to add more guests, but only if you’re prepared to invite those people if she offers to pay for them. If you tell her the budget is the reason they won’t be invited, then if she solves that reason by paying, you’ll have to accept that. I’d also be wary of saying that you don’t want to invite them because you haven’t met them – again, she could “solve” that by arranging for you to meet them before the wedding (trust me on this! That was the reason I gave and one engagement party later we now have 60 more guests on the list… whoops).
If you don’t want them invited regardless, could you get away with saying that the venue’s capacity will not allow you to add more guests? That’s pretty much the only reason you can give that doesn’t have a “fix.”
Post # 14
I know you said you want to handle this for him, which I appreciate, but I think the message should really be coming from him. Here is why: I don’t know that it needs to be a requirement that all wedding guests have met both the bride and groom. There were plenty of people we invited to the wedding that DH had never met, but it was important to me for them to be there. And I would not have been ok with DH saying that they shouldn’t be invited because he hadn’t met them. But if it’s not important for your Fiance to have them there, that is a different story.
If you still want the message to come from you, I would leave out the part about you not meeting them and add something about the budget being set. Of course, if you lean on the budget, then you have to be prepared for what you will do if Future Mother-In-Law offers to pay for them.
Post # 15
Parents and inlaws should onyl have a say in invite list if they are willing to pay for these people… essentially these people would be THEIR guests… not YOUR guests.
It would be different if they were giving you monrey for the wedding, but if not you shouldnt have to invite strangers to your wedding, if they want them to come, find out the cost per person and tell them to fork over the money.