(Closed) First Post & I wish it wasn’t this! FMIL Issues (long)

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Get him to respond. It is his mom and you already have a rocky relationship! They are not paying, they deff do not have a say in who you HAVE to invite

Post # 17
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015 - On a Cliff Overlooking the Bay, Florida

View original reply
keeling2be:  I”m in the no pay no say group but on the off chance she offers to pay tell her the venue is maxed out. or just keep saying the guest list is closed and not up for discussion anymore. 

Side note- alot of people think oh i’ll only have to pay for their dinner…… NOPE… It’s not just the $60 dinner to buy They need a chair, table, plates, cups, utencils….. these things add up  Keep that in mind if you go the not in the budget route and she does offer to pay.

Post # 18
Member
7579 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Firstly, it’s a mistake to give a reason why Cousin Bob and Aunt Jane can’t be on the guest list; this just invites bargaining. If you or your Fi tell Future Mother-In-Law “we can’t invite them becasue we don’t have it in the budget,” you’re just opening the door for her to start writing checks for guest list spots, and that becomes a downward spiral.   Just say Sorry, but we can’t accomodate that. period. End of discussion. Don’t leave the door open for it to turn into a debate.

Secondly and I do know you have your reasons and what-not, but this message really needs to come from your Fi.  The person with the ties (no matter how loose) to the potential guest should be the one making the decisions about whether they get invited or not. You don’t know these folks from Adam; your Fi at least knows who they are, so he is the one that needs to explain to his mom that they’re not invited.

Post # 19
Member
3211 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

So if this is FI’s father’s siblings and their kids… That’s his aunts, uncles and first cousins. So if his mother (ex of his father) is advocating them getting an invite, there’s probably some strong reasons. So what’s the long story version of why his first cousins and aunts/uncles get no invite?

Post # 22
Member
3211 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Holy shit! Ten marriages between two people is a little much.

I feel like those aunts and uncles are blood relatives though, so that makes them a little more permanent? I don’t know. That seems a bit odd to not see your nephew for 20 years. I can understand not making an effort for people not making an effort for you.

OTOH, eventually your Fiance may feel that he wants to get to know his roots – which will mean getting past the snarled tangled family bush going on right now. Those aunts and uncles will probably be the ones who end up with family documents and history, so making a slight effort to keep in touch now may be a gesture to make that easier in twenty or thirty years when your Fiance will want to know that stuff. 

TBH I would hope for goodwill out of an invitation and I wouldn’t expect them to really come. I have cousins I haven’t seen in like 10 years I am inviting. I don’t expect them or their parents to come or acknowledge the invitation in any way, but I’m keeping up my end by spending the ten bucks to send those three invitations.

Post # 25
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

Oh hells nos. He absolutely needs to be the representative of his family, not you. It is one of the biggest tips that pre-marital therapists give! I’m sure he’ll take on that role though since you two seem to have a healthy relationship.

Next, don’t cave into her request. It’s not her place to push that on you two regardless of who paid for what. It will be your special day with your man. It’s a celebration of you two becoming a family so only those you wish to be there should be present.

Of course, be sure that your fiancee says this lovingly though bc she is afterall still your fmil. It’s hard to ever truly be buddy buddy with in laws and unfortunately wedding planning can make folks get a little nutty. It just comes with the territory. 

If she doesn’t handle it well, be sure to help her understand that it’s not against her in particular. She needs to understand that you and your fiancee are a united front on this decision. And if she does understand, then great!

I wish you luck and I’m sorry that this happened to you. It’s weird how one of the happiest moments in our lives can also be the most unpredictable/stressful. Good luck!

Post # 26
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I typically feel that each part of the couple deals with their own family in these situations. Even at eight years, you are the “new” one who will be the b**** in this situation. If your fiance is too stressed to deal with her again and you want to handle it to take the pressure off of him, I think I’d keep it short and sweet- something to the effect of: “fiance asked me to get back in touch with you about the guest list. Unfortunately, we have already extended as many invitations as we are able to. We are glad that we were able to accomodate a number of your requests and hope that you will still enjoy our wonderful day even though we cannot accomodate any additional requests for invitations”.

Sorry you are both having to deal with this!

 

Post # 27
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I decided for people who were going to inquire if so-and-so was invited (even though I made sure to follow every ettiquette rule in wording my save the dates) that I was going to stick with this: ‘In response to your inquiry, unfortunately we are limited in maintaing a specific head count with our contract and we are not able to accomodate any further invitations. I do apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, but we hope that those invited are able to join us in celebrating our wedding day.’

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by moonchild.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by moonchild.
Post # 29
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
keeling2be: Your fiance is taking a cowards way out of this by wanting you to respond to her. I would be okay with responding together but this is HIS family and he should know that you are risking having a falling out with her again. Not okay.

Post # 30
Member
353 posts
Helper bee

keeling2be: Sounds like everything worked out! Good call having Fiance do the talking. Typically each SO should deal with their own parents, because like you said you don’t want the in-laws to view you as the troublemaker. Kudos to Fiance for sticking to his guns!

Don’t put too much thought into her being “gift-grabby” – if she’s anything like my in-laws she’s just trying to be a good mom and getting you guys a little extra cashflow. It’s rude but it’s well-meant!

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