Post # 1
So, my Fiance and I both went to the same undergrad program and both majored in Psychology.
While there we had a professor who really became a good friend and mentor to us, her husband helped improve my FI’s guitar playing and I was her TA.
We learned that she was certified to marry people (and I live in Utah as a non-mormon, so finding another non-religious person to perform the marriage ceremony is difficult) and I have ALWAYS envisioned a woman doing the service. I don’t know why, but it seemed right to me to have her do it.
We moved to a different city (about 6 hours away from where she is) but last October we went to a wedding of an old college friend down here and she was the one marrying them! At the exact venue here we are going to get married! We were super excited and asked her to be the officiant at the wedding.
Well, she has had a lot of time to get back to me (and professors are busy so I try to be understanding, plus she is in a band and a ski instructor)… but she just barely told me that she will do it… BUT she will have to leave right after the ceremony to get to a gig her band has 4 hours away.
One of the BIGGEST reasons I wanted her to do it is because she has been an important person in both mine and my FI’s life, and I am feeling kind of hurt right now… and maybe unjustly.
I told her MONTHS in advance when the date was, and there are plenty of people who could fill in for her, but she just wants to rush off after the ceremony.
Now I don’t know if I want her to do it at all. I feel hurt, like my wedding is just something she is doing but not something she WANTS to do. I don’t know if this makes sense. I can’t think of anyone else I would like to have do it though….
I am so confused, and my feelings are hurt. She said she understands if I would rather have someone else do it, so maybe thats a hint that she would rather not do it? What do you all think?
Post # 3
Maybe you should talk to her and express that the reason you asked her was because you wanted her to be a part of your wedding and having you there was special, not just for the ceremony.
If she still seems like her other gig is more important than maybe finding someone else may be helpful if it upsets you that much knowing she rather do one than the other?
I would be hurt too if someone I really wanted there had more important plans, but considering their plans I would have to understand at least alittle. But doesnt mean I wouldn’t be happy abot it
Post # 3
She’s agreeing to do the ceremony which is what is important. Be happy.
Post # 4
I am happy she is agreeing to do the ceremony, but I feel like an obligation of sorts… like she would rather I used someone else.
Post # 5
Ask her- Are you ok to do our ceremony, or would you rather I find someone else?
Personally, I wouldn’t mind if she had to leave after as she would be fulfilling my wish to marry us.
Post # 6
Maybe she was an important person to you in your life, but were you important to her? Professors are really busy people, and they meet many different people every year. I am guessing you were just a blip on her radar, and she has new students now. Who knows though. one of my professors says that she gets invited to students weddings she only attends the ceremony, because the reception is usually for only close family members. Look at things from her pespective. At least she agreed to do the ceremony.
Post # 7
@SweetartMD: She probably had the gig before you asked. In which case, she is trying to make it to your ceremony, when probably she’d otherwise want to relax and not rush to drive to the gig right after. I get that you feel she just did it out of obligation, but your bridesmaids would also wear dresses they hated out of obligation if you asked them–but you would still want them as BMs. I think you should see this as the same thing.
Post # 8
@Jamie42003: Ouch, but maybe true?
I think we have been pretty close. She writes to me on facebook all the time, she cried at my graduation, she called search and rescue when I was lost on a mountain, and we have kept in touch for years She took me out to dinner on my birthdays too.
But maybe you are right… I don’t know.
Post # 9
I do think it’s a bit unfair on your part. I think she is taking time out of her day and from what you describe she is an incredibly busy person, and she obviously cares because why would she take time out of her day to marry you, if she didn’t? If she had this gig lined up for while, if she is getting paid for it, if she passionate about her music she might want to be doing that instead of dinner and dancing. Unless she cutting it extremely close and has to sprint down the aisle right after you say I do I don’t think its rushing because she has other commitments on that day that are important to her. Quite honestly I think I would be more upset with people who roll up to my reception ready to party, but miss what I think is the most important time of the day, the actually ceremony! To be honest, you probably won’t be able to get much face time in her unless you having a really small guest list as you be busy greeting people, dancing, cake cutting, toast and trying to grab some time with your new husband. I would just be thankfully and extremely grateful that someone who is meaningful in both of your lives is playing such a huge role on your special day.
I think as brides we also need to keep things in perspective, which at this moment I’m desperately trying my damnedest to do so I kind of understand where you coming from!=). To us it’s the most important day in our lives, to others it’s a special day and happy day, but not as big of a deal.
Post # 10
@TwoCityBride: I agree. My Darling Husband is in a band and for him to cancel a gig is a huge deal – he lets his band members down, is out money, and that place might never ask them back to play again, which is a really big deal. She has said yes to doing the ceremony, and I think trying to guilt her into attending the reception is only going to cause problems because you’ll be putting her into an uncomfortable situation. Be happy that she is able to be your officiant and still make it to her band’s gig!
Post # 11
I think you have to ask yourself: What do you expect from the officiant? Are you expecting her/him to stay throughout the whole ceremony and reception? Or do you rather have someone important to you to marry you? Which means more?
Looks like your wedding is in July, you still have plenty of time to pick another person. Ask your prof and see if she is very comfortable marrying you two that day, given she has another important gig to do that night. My view on this is, (well wedding planning in general) what I want is one thing, but I also need to make sure the person I am asking favor of are on board with me. Gotta think from their perspective. We didn’t want to force them to do something they didn’t feel comfortable of. It’s an honor they can come. If they have other engagement, we need to understand too.
Post # 12
I am not going to try and force her to stay for the reception. I never said I was going to try and “guilt her into anything”.
Also, she will not have to cancel the gig if she doesn’t go, she has a fill in for her for when she cannot make it, which is why I am hurt.
I do think that I am going to ask her to make sure that she is okay with it for sure, seeing as she has another gig.
When I told my Fiance about the situation (I just said “So and So said they would be the officiant, but she would have to leave right after the ceremony to get to a gig) he got a sad look on his face and said maybe we should just find someone else to do it, but he can’t think of anyone else either…
Bottom line is that she said “I understand if you would rather have someone else do it”. So I am wondering if that was a hint on her part that I should find someone else….
Post # 13
What was said:
Hi So and So ,
I am definitely on to do your wedding. Turns out the band is in (Place) that night, but if you can stand me running out right after the ceremony, I want to be there for you two. You both mean so much to me. They have a guy that can sit in for the first set and I have no problem with that. If it works for you, I am there.I can meet with you before July and am available to be around early on Friday (Before the other gig) and during the day on Saturday. Let me know if this works. I understand if you prefer someone who can remain at the reception, and want you to do what works best for you on the most special day of your relationship!!!!! Love, M
Post # 14
Sounds like your worrying about nothing. She’s really making an effort to be there for you two and after your last post she really wants to be there but has a prior commitment to attend straight after. Have her do the ceremony. It’s too easy, your just creating drama for yourself. Relax and be happy as you have got what you wanted. 🙂
Post # 15
Take a breath. Think of something relaxing. This is a first world problem, girlfriend. She’s doing the ceremony and that’s great!