Post # 1
Just registered and am hoping for a bit of advice:) My wedding is in 15 days and everything seemed to be going well. (Still stressful getting all the last minute stuff done and some family drama but ok all in all) But yesterday I got an e-mail from my BM that said she really needed to get something out “so that I’m not masking resentment on the big day” she feels like our relationship has turned in to “bride to MB” and everything is wedding related:( She said that I haven’t checked on her to see how she is doing she then said “I’m looking forward to the point in this wedding venture where we can celebrate and when I can get my friend back. I miss her”. I will admit that my whole life has been wedding related lately (not just friendships) My other BM told her not to say anything two weeks before the wedding but she did anyway. My other BM also told me that she does not feel the same way at all and that being a BM has made us even closer and been a real opportunity to bond.
So I’m wondering how to address this? Right now I’m REALLY hurt and mad that she would put this on my plate right now when it is not a big deal. My first reaction was strong so she responded “Why make this into something bigger than it is?” Anyway, how do I patch thinks up so it is not supper awkward in two weeks? Also the next time I will see her in person…at the wedding.
Thanks in advance!
Post # 3
First – it certainly sucks that she finally said something to you with only two weeks to go. Talk about bad timing. That said, based on her email to you – it’s a big deal to her. If you sweep her feelings under the rug, you are actually giving creedence to her concerns that you do not care about what is going on her life (I’m positive that’s not your intent, but how she is interpreting things…we all get caught up in the wedding stuff!!). I am assuming this woman is important to you as you made her a bridesmaid. It won’t be awkward if you simply recognize her feelings with an apology. Clearly, a phone call would be best (in person is better but you posted that you have no plans to see her until the wedding) as you can’t control or moderate how someone interprets your words or the meaning behind them in an email. Just give her a call…
Post # 4
I take it your response was also by email. It can be a dangerous way to communicate because there is no tone, or body language to help with interpretation.
You took exception to her email. She likely took exception to your response.
I agree she probably should have kept her mouth shut at this point.
Why not take the high road and say something that will help her feel better about the relationship? Call her instead of relying on email.
“I am so sorry that the zillion details of wedding planning have taken away form the “us” time that I love. Let’s just keep it together for a few more weeks, then plan some quality girl time. I appreciate all the support you have provided and hope to do the same for you one day.”
Post # 5
I agree with @MsMindle:. Yes, her timing sucks. But you admit that her feelings are valid so just aplologize and move on. There’s no need for awkwardness.
Post # 6
At this point I would say its best to call her, not email her. Tone can be misinterpreted in emails. You have admitted to us that you’ve let the wedding take over your life, so her feelings do sound valid. Just apologize, and maybe plan something totally unrelated to the wedding once everything is over.
Post # 7
Call her and schedule a non-wedding related fun girls night for either before or after the wedding/honeymoon.
Also, make a big deal about her when you give her the bridesmaid gift at the rehearsal dinner.
Post # 8
It is a big deal. But seeing how you think it isn’t and that she should have kept her mouth shut is actaully confirming that you think your wedding is the end all be all and more important than your friend. She is not the selfish one- you are by expecting her to be there for you regardless of how you treat her. If you care about her feelings which are justified I suggest you put your wedding on a back burner and reach out to your friend.
Post # 9
Regardless of whether or not your other BM feels the same way doesn’t negate how THIS girl feels. Sometimes it is hard to not get frustrated with friends when we don’t agree with the way they feel or are perceiving a situation; but remember, she is your friend and she has some concerns and is openly sharing them with you. Rather, she could have kept it in and let the resentment build – which would have been worse, IMO.
Granted, the timing isn’t great, but often when we express ourselves and potentially negative or hurt feelings, the timing is NEVER great. I would call her, rather than email, and ask her to share more about what she’s feeling and allow her to vent and give you examples. I understand it is stressful two weeks before the wedding, but at the same time, she’s saying she needs her FRIEND, so do exactly that; be her friend right now, even if it is stressful timing-wise. I’m sure it would mean a lot to her and would help both of you smooth things over before your day.
Remember, perception is reality; even if you don’t agree with her, this is how SHE feels, and she needs your support, just as much as you’ve asked her for hers. Just because you’re the one getting married doesn’t mean she might need you a little bit too. 🙂
Post # 10
you guys are right! I need to suck it up get over my pride and forget that she is not 100% here for me right now. I’m mad at her for making me feel like a bad friend when I havn’t (says the other BM) and adding more stress rather then having my back. My first reactions was that she is being selfish. But my anger is NOT helping the situation and will not help resolve it. I am just having a hard time not feeling mad:(
Once I cool off I will give her a call and hopfully we can work it out. But I am bad at holding grudges and am afraid I won’t be able to forgive her for putting herself first right before the wedding:(
Post # 11
Your wedding is just ONE DAY. Hopefully your friendship means more to you than that?
Post # 12
@vmec: harsh much??:( wow that stung!
Post # 13
@julies1949: I agree with your advice on how to proceed.
OP, I do think that she was way, way out of line to bring this up now, though–even if her feelings are valid.
Post # 14
@julies1949: Thank you, I really appreciate the advice!!
Post # 15
@Roe: thank you! that helps!