(Closed) First time Bride and first time BM probs.

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

First – it certainly sucks that she finally said something to you with only two weeks to go. Talk about bad timing. That said, based on her email to you – it’s a big deal to her. If you sweep her feelings under the rug, you are actually giving creedence to her concerns that you do not care about what is going on her life (I’m positive that’s not your intent, but how she is interpreting things…we all get caught up in the wedding stuff!!). I am assuming this woman is important to you as you made her a bridesmaid. It won’t be awkward if you simply recognize her feelings with an apology.  Clearly, a phone call would be best (in person is better but you posted that you have no plans to see her until the wedding) as you can’t control or moderate how someone interprets your words or the meaning behind them in an email. Just give her a call…

Post # 4
Member
45627 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I take it your response was also by email. It can be a dangerous way to communicate because there is no tone, or body language to help with interpretation.

You took exception to her email. She likely took exception to your response.

I agree she probably should have kept her mouth shut at this point.

Why not take the high road and say something that will help her feel better about the relationship? Call her instead of relying on email.

“I am so sorry that the zillion details of wedding planning have taken away form the “us” time that I love. Let’s just keep it together for a few more weeks, then plan some quality girl time. I appreciate all the support you have provided and hope to do the same for you one day.”

Post # 5
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with @MsMindle:. Yes, her timing sucks. But you admit that her feelings are valid so just aplologize and move on. There’s no need for awkwardness.

Post # 6
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

At this point I would say its best to call her, not email her.  Tone can be misinterpreted in emails.  You have admitted to us that you’ve let the wedding take over your life, so her feelings do sound valid.  Just apologize, and maybe plan something totally unrelated to the wedding once everything is over.

Post # 7
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Call her and schedule a non-wedding related fun girls night for either before or after the wedding/honeymoon.

Also, make a big deal about her when you give her the bridesmaid gift at the rehearsal dinner.

Post # 8
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It is a big deal. But seeing how you think it isn’t and that she should have kept her mouth shut is actaully confirming that you think your wedding is the end all be all and more important than your friend. She is not the selfish one- you are by expecting her to be there for you regardless of how you treat her. If you care about her feelings which are justified I suggest you put your wedding on a back burner and reach out to your friend.

Post # 9
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Regardless of whether or not your other BM feels the same way doesn’t negate how THIS girl feels. Sometimes it is hard to not get frustrated with friends when we don’t agree with the way they feel or are perceiving a situation; but remember, she is your friend and she has some concerns and is openly sharing them with you. Rather, she could have kept it in and let the resentment build – which would have been worse, IMO.

Granted, the timing isn’t great, but often when we express ourselves and potentially negative or hurt feelings, the timing is NEVER great. I would call her, rather than email, and ask her to share more about what she’s feeling and allow her to vent and give you examples. I understand it is stressful two weeks before the wedding, but at the same time, she’s saying she needs her FRIEND, so do exactly that; be her friend right now, even if it is stressful timing-wise. I’m sure it would mean a lot to her and would help both of you smooth things over before your day.

Remember, perception is reality; even if you don’t agree with her, this is how SHE feels, and she needs your support, just as much as you’ve asked her for hers. Just because you’re the one getting married doesn’t mean she might need you a little bit too. 🙂

Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@vmec:  Agree.

Your wedding is just ONE DAY. Hopefully your friendship means more to you than that?

Post # 13
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@julies1949:  I agree with your advice on how to proceed.

OP, I do think that she was way, way out of line to bring this up now, though–even if her feelings are valid.

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