First time bride, second time groom, FIL issues

posted 1 year ago in Encore
Post # 2
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Sorry bee, but I think you’re being over sensitive and reading way too much into it.

I’ve just got married for the second time.  Both times I’ve been the second wife, and both times we’ve talked about the previous wedding(s) and it’s been really useful in terms of learning from past mistakes & successes and agreeing what to repeat or avoid (colours, vibe, what to spend money on and where to save, music, timescales…..).

Post # 3
Member
12222 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

That is so clueless. But I don’t see why you couldn’t have politely asked him to please not to bring up your fiance’s first wedding or just said you prefer not to hear about it, 

I usually agree that people should deal with their own parents when and if they overstep, but in a situation like this, I think speaking up for yourself in the moment would have been most effective. 

Post # 4
Member
3455 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

You are entitled to feel how you feel, but honestly I don’t even think he was thinking about you when he was saying those things. He was just comparing one event to the other. He likely would reference a previous birthday party if he was currently planning for another one. It doesn’t seem like he was trying to hurt your feelings and I actually don’t think it was rude. Comparing costs from a previously held event is just him using the bit of knowledge he’s gained about weddings to try and help you guys plan.

Don’t take it personally. It has nothing to do with you or the ex. He’s just trying to be helpful. I think you need to address the underlying feelings you have about being second, because that’s just the reality of things. 

Post # 6
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee

bethlg :  Yep, just chiming in to say over sensitive.

I was engaged previously and cancelled the wedding 2 months prior to the wedding date.  When I was planning this wedding, there were some times my mom brought up details from the first engagement in front of my now husband.  She didn’t do it to be mean, in fact, she didn’t even realize she did it at all; she was just comparing the 2 events and how to do it “better” this time.  I said something to her afterwards and she felt terrible.  But my husband didn’t even blink.  He knows of my past, and knows I obviously can’t change it.

It doesn’t sound like your Future Father-In-Law was being mailicious.  Your Fiance can say something to him but unless he purposely brings up I wouldn’t worry about it.

I think you do have a much deeper issue about being your FI’s second wife.  It sounds like you were trying to justify or prove that you’re better than his first wife…they had a short marriage, she left right after graduating, no one liked her, etc.  I don’t think you can honestly accept the fact that your Fiance was married before.  It’s like you’re trying to pretend that marriage didn’t happen.  But you can’t just ignore the fact that they did have a wedding and people may naturally compare.

I dated a guy after my engagement ended that I dated back in high school.  He couldn’t get over the fact that I was engaged previously so he ended the relationship.  How do you think that made me feel?  I felt like the elephant in the room with the broken engagement, and I was seen as the one not able to commit because I didn’t go through with the wedding, even though my ex had cheated.  That part of my life happened and I needed to be with someone that wasn’t going to be sensitive about it and who I didn’t feel like I constantly needed to be on eggshells with.  Breaking that engagement was probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life up to this point and I needed acceptance, not someone that instead wanted to sweep it under the rug or pretend it didn’t happen.

So unless you can get a handle on your own feelings, I think it’s completely unrealistic for your FI’s family to have to feel like they have to watch everything they say and walk on eggshells around you.

Post # 7
Member
2430 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

When your Future Father-In-Law brought up the cake smashing into the ex’s face, I hope it was to opine that he hopes this doesn’t happen in your wedding to his son. I hate the cake smash. 

You really shouldn’t anticipate someone saying something that is going to hurt your feelings. It would serve you well if you toughen up a bit, and not be so easily wounded. 

Post # 8
Member
11614 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m sure you dont want to hear this, but any time a poster starts off with how horrible the ex was and everyone knew it, it’s not a good sign.

What responsibility does your fiancé take for being in that relationship? Does his family really talk that way about her, saying she used him? 

I get that you are feeling insecure, but bashing the ex is like walking in blind. Better to find out what your partner learned from that failed marriage, rather than what is wrong with the ex.

You’re not in competition with her. How they treated her is how they will treat you.  So one day you will be the girl who just used him for x, no matter how untrue that is. This would be my focus, rather than getting them to shut up about his previous wedding. If the Father-In-Law doesn’t hate his ex, it actually bodes well for you. You don’t want in laws who hate the women their sons marry. 

 

Post # 9
Member
1677 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

bethlg :  My Darling Husband was engaged before me, in the relationship before me.  I tried to pretend it didn’t bother me, but it did.  When we were dating for the same length of time they were when he proposed,  I felt I deserved a proposal.  When we did get engaged, I got very upset when others mentioned her ring, their engagement party etc.  I was only 22 at the time, so quite young and less mature than I thought. 

I know it’s easier said and done but you have to stop competing with her in your mind, and reconcile with the fact your FH has been married before.  The past is what has led him to you.  Have you had boyfriends before?  Did your FH get upset that he wasn’t your first boyfriend?  First kiss? etc.  

When people bring her and their wedding/marriage up, it’s not personal and it’s not a slight on you.  You know they were married, they aren’t giving you news that you don’t already know.  I doubt it occurs to them that it may be hurtful for you to hear it. 

The way I got over it was mainly just time, and growing up, but I also just told myself that I was going to stop competing, that she isn’t competing with me, Darling Husband isn’t comparing me to her, and she’s barely on anyone elses radar.  It was honestly all in my head and it was such a relief when  I could just enjoy our relationship for what it was.  I hope you can do the same. 

Post # 10
Member
12222 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I’m really surprised by how many think you are overreacting to be annoyed. On the contrary, I think that it was a bit insensitive and brainless on your future father in law’s part. 

It doesn’t make you any more mature to accept that people will “naturally” talk about your fiance’s first wedding and no, you don’t have to learn about weddings by comparing your wedding to his first. 

I’m not suggesting by any means that you should start any unpleasantness over this, but you are certainly entitled to say that you don’t want to hear about it. Any decent future in laws can and should respect that. 

Post # 11
Member
4100 posts
Honey bee

The fact that you can acknowledge that you have a tendency to be overly sensitive is great, bee. I’m not gonna beat a dead horse, but just wanted to say that he’s chosen to be with you and the ex is the ex. Don’t stress over her!

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