Post # 1
So I am engaged to be married to an amazing man who I could never imagine my life without who just happens to have been married before. The marriage was short, no one liked her and most people realize the marriage was simply a way for her to get someone to financially support her as she finished school as she left the day after she graduated. I have never had much problem with feeling like I was being compared to the ex because of this. It always seemed clear to me that they were happy my fiance had found me.
That is not to say I have not had my own struggles with being the second wedding and second bride but things are being done differently and 90% of the time I don’t have an issue. I know things are different and better for him this time around.
My question is regarding my future father in law. We have always gotten along great, I’ve always felt like it liked me and my relationship with his son but yesterday we were visiting our venue and doing some other wedding related stuff and he brought up my fiance’s first wedding at least three times thoughout the day. From smashing the cake into the exs face to how much the bar cost, details I don’t need nor want to know about. I asked my fiance to say something to him, which I know he will do, but what bothers me is the fact that he thought it was okay in the first place. I found it to be very rude towards this step in my life with his son but also rude to his son by bringing up old memories that have no place in the new ones.
Am I being picky or too sensitive? I will admit, it hurt every time he said something, like a punch in the belly. I am the least confrontational person in the world and know I could never say something, but if it keeps going I’ll resent spending time with them because I’ll have to constantly worry about my feelings. Right now my plan is to wait it out and hope the talk my fiance has with his dad about it will have some impact.
Post # 2
Sorry bee, but I think you’re being over sensitive and reading way too much into it.
I’ve just got married for the second time. Both times I’ve been the second wife, and both times we’ve talked about the previous wedding(s) and it’s been really useful in terms of learning from past mistakes & successes and agreeing what to repeat or avoid (colours, vibe, what to spend money on and where to save, music, timescales…..).
Post # 3
That is so clueless. But I don’t see why you couldn’t have politely asked him to please not to bring up your fiance’s first wedding or just said you prefer not to hear about it,
I usually agree that people should deal with their own parents when and if they overstep, but in a situation like this, I think speaking up for yourself in the moment would have been most effective.
Post # 4
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
You are entitled to feel how you feel, but honestly I don’t even think he was thinking about you when he was saying those things. He was just comparing one event to the other. He likely would reference a previous birthday party if he was currently planning for another one. It doesn’t seem like he was trying to hurt your feelings and I actually don’t think it was rude. Comparing costs from a previously held event is just him using the bit of knowledge he’s gained about weddings to try and help you guys plan.
Don’t take it personally. It has nothing to do with you or the ex. He’s just trying to be helpful. I think you need to address the underlying feelings you have about being second, because that’s just the reality of things.
Post # 5
Thank you all, I kind of figured that’s what it was. I have a major tendency to be overly sensitive and to read into things way more than I should. It still doesn’t feel good and that’s not something I can help, but I’ll try not to let it affect me too much. Thanks again.
Post # 6
bethlg : Yep, just chiming in to say over sensitive.
I was engaged previously and cancelled the wedding 2 months prior to the wedding date. When I was planning this wedding, there were some times my mom brought up details from the first engagement in front of my now husband. She didn’t do it to be mean, in fact, she didn’t even realize she did it at all; she was just comparing the 2 events and how to do it “better” this time. I said something to her afterwards and she felt terrible. But my husband didn’t even blink. He knows of my past, and knows I obviously can’t change it.
It doesn’t sound like your Future Father-In-Law was being mailicious. Your Fiance can say something to him but unless he purposely brings up I wouldn’t worry about it.
I think you do have a much deeper issue about being your FI’s second wife. It sounds like you were trying to justify or prove that you’re better than his first wife…they had a short marriage, she left right after graduating, no one liked her, etc. I don’t think you can honestly accept the fact that your Fiance was married before. It’s like you’re trying to pretend that marriage didn’t happen. But you can’t just ignore the fact that they did have a wedding and people may naturally compare.
I dated a guy after my engagement ended that I dated back in high school. He couldn’t get over the fact that I was engaged previously so he ended the relationship. How do you think that made me feel? I felt like the elephant in the room with the broken engagement, and I was seen as the one not able to commit because I didn’t go through with the wedding, even though my ex had cheated. That part of my life happened and I needed to be with someone that wasn’t going to be sensitive about it and who I didn’t feel like I constantly needed to be on eggshells with. Breaking that engagement was probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life up to this point and I needed acceptance, not someone that instead wanted to sweep it under the rug or pretend it didn’t happen.
So unless you can get a handle on your own feelings, I think it’s completely unrealistic for your FI’s family to have to feel like they have to watch everything they say and walk on eggshells around you.
Post # 7
When your Future Father-In-Law brought up the cake smashing into the ex’s face, I hope it was to opine that he hopes this doesn’t happen in your wedding to his son. I hate the cake smash.
You really shouldn’t anticipate someone saying something that is going to hurt your feelings. It would serve you well if you toughen up a bit, and not be so easily wounded.
Post # 8
I’m sure you dont want to hear this, but any time a poster starts off with how horrible the ex was and everyone knew it, it’s not a good sign.
What responsibility does your fiancé take for being in that relationship? Does his family really talk that way about her, saying she used him?
I get that you are feeling insecure, but bashing the ex is like walking in blind. Better to find out what your partner learned from that failed marriage, rather than what is wrong with the ex.
You’re not in competition with her. How they treated her is how they will treat you. So one day you will be the girl who just used him for x, no matter how untrue that is. This would be my focus, rather than getting them to shut up about his previous wedding. If the Father-In-Law doesn’t hate his ex, it actually bodes well for you. You don’t want in laws who hate the women their sons marry.
Post # 9
bethlg : My Darling Husband was engaged before me, in the relationship before me. I tried to pretend it didn’t bother me, but it did. When we were dating for the same length of time they were when he proposed, I felt I deserved a proposal. When we did get engaged, I got very upset when others mentioned her ring, their engagement party etc. I was only 22 at the time, so quite young and less mature than I thought.
I know it’s easier said and done but you have to stop competing with her in your mind, and reconcile with the fact your FH has been married before. The past is what has led him to you. Have you had boyfriends before? Did your FH get upset that he wasn’t your first boyfriend? First kiss? etc.
When people bring her and their wedding/marriage up, it’s not personal and it’s not a slight on you. You know they were married, they aren’t giving you news that you don’t already know. I doubt it occurs to them that it may be hurtful for you to hear it.
The way I got over it was mainly just time, and growing up, but I also just told myself that I was going to stop competing, that she isn’t competing with me, Darling Husband isn’t comparing me to her, and she’s barely on anyone elses radar. It was honestly all in my head and it was such a relief when I could just enjoy our relationship for what it was. I hope you can do the same.
Post # 10
I’m really surprised by how many think you are overreacting to be annoyed. On the contrary, I think that it was a bit insensitive and brainless on your future father in law’s part.
It doesn’t make you any more mature to accept that people will “naturally” talk about your fiance’s first wedding and no, you don’t have to learn about weddings by comparing your wedding to his first.
I’m not suggesting by any means that you should start any unpleasantness over this, but you are certainly entitled to say that you don’t want to hear about it. Any decent future in laws can and should respect that.
Post # 11
The fact that you can acknowledge that you have a tendency to be overly sensitive is great, bee. I’m not gonna beat a dead horse, but just wanted to say that he’s chosen to be with you and the ex is the ex. Don’t stress over her!