(Closed) First time home buyers! HELP. Me & Fiance and mom and dad?

posted 8 years ago in Family
  • poll: Did your parents help you/fiance choose a house?
    Yes, I value their opinion. : (11 votes)
    27 %
    Yes, they are way to involved. : (1 votes)
    2 %
    No. We made our own choices even if they didn't agree. : (18 votes)
    44 %
    Heck no! : (11 votes)
    27 %
  • Post # 3
    14183 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Um, my parents picked our home out for us. My husband was deployed and my parents were in town and they took me to the airport…and they decided to go house hunting just for fun. My dad owns properties and it’s kind of what he does. My parents called me and found the home. I probably would not have found it myself because they were just driving around and popped in to take a look! It all worked out in the end. But I can honestly say that they picked it out!

    That being said, only you know what you and your Fiance can afford….a foreclosure would make me nervous because it may need more work. But at the same time, if you got approved for a certain amount, you always want to stay away from that value because it makes it so tight! We got approved for really high amound and honestly, I’m not sure we could have afforded a home close to that value!

    You do need to remove your parents from your financials with your Fiance. Yes, he has student loans–lots of people do. Why don’t your parents like the home? Maybe there are some things (besides price) that they are noticing? I found one home I really liked and my dad said it had a bad layout. I thought it was ‘unique’. In hindsight, he was right–there was a reason the seller was having trouble selling that home. That damn layout!

    Post # 5
    1944 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Our families were more than supportive. We decided to build a home and actually had our appointment and house picked the weekend we got engaged, I was unaware of the engagement at the time. Once we found the house and started designing it, our ideas of our wedding changed and we felt our home was more important than any party or day. So we focused on building our dream home and had a very simple, initmate ceromony. His parents were beyond supportive, they did not help us financially bc we had the money set aside but it was their land we bought to build on and they gave us a fairly good discount on the selling price and we told them we would have them paid within  a year but they asked for us to take 5 years. Well we paid them in 9 mths. πŸ™‚ His parents were helpful along the lines of dealing with the contractors and such as they had built before and there were somethings we just did not know, but they never once overstepped their boundaries or steared us in any direction but our own. Now my family at first felt the wedding was more important but have since changed their mind seeing how happy we are in our home. I had debt entering into marriage, Darling Husband had none and had most of the savings and stocks we used and have built our savings with. His parents supported us in that area too to get our debt paid off in full and never held anything over my head. My Mother-In-Law may drive me nutso sometimes, but I must say they are the most supportive people I’ve met.

    Post # 6
    445 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    As a homeowner, I see merits in what your parents are suggesting (that the home is expensive).  I bought my home when I was single..and I bought it with the assumption that less than 1/2 my income would pay the mortgage (the rest would go into my savings and other bills)…anything more and it’s too expensive…  If you’re buying the house with your fiance, if one of you were to be without a job for several months, would you be able to afford the mortgage? I guess your parents are just financially concerns..i would just put some thoughts into it and then assure them that you thought things through. 

    When Fiance and I do buy a home together later, I would want to do so under just one of our incomes..that way we can be sure to afford the house and avoid losing it due to unforseen circumstances. 

    Post # 7
    2066 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Do they think its expensive because the home is overpriced or do they think its expensive (and you might not be able to afford it)?  What is their specific objection?

    Your financial situation with Fiance is not your parents business.  If you and Fiance have added up the cost of your mortgage payments, insurance, taxes, utilities, and maintenance and can comfortably afford the house, then go for it.  If you think it might be a little tight, then the house is too expensive.  First time home owners can become “house poor” very quickly if they don’t consider all the little, hidden costs of home ownership. 

    Post # 8
    1927 posts
    Buzzing bee

    There are a LOT of risks that come with foreclosures.  Yes, it’s true you can definitely get a good deal, but you have to remember that the owners often take VERY bad care of the home because they don’t care any more, and the bank will only sell it as it (not cover anything that would be discovered at a home inspection).  To us, it just wasn’t worth the risk.  And when we bought our house we had just gotten married and were both working full time and we didn’t have the time to take on huge projects.  We love painting and redecorating our home, but if something like the roof, plumbing, or electrical needed work it would have been a deal breaker for us.

    My parents and my in-laws were definitely involved in the process.  They have both bought/owned property and we never have.  And they have our best interests in mind… why wouldn’t we use such a valuable resource?  But ultimately, my husband and I made the final decisions.  We were the ones who had to live there.  And our parents were NOT involved in helping us to decide what we could afford.  They did help us research whether homes we were looking at were fairly priced, but they made not comments on whether we could afford that or not.  The only thing they know is that we did put down over 20% because both sets of parents offered to help us get to the point in order to avoide paying PMI (but we didn’t them to).  I’m a parent pleaser like you but eventually you have to grow up and become independant of them.  If their only concern is about your ability to afford the house then I would ignore them and by the house you love (provided you have done your homework and know you CAN indeed afford it).

    Post # 9
    572 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    Kind of similar to marrying someone: YOU are the one that will be married to your husband, not your parents.  YOU will be the one living in it 24/7, not your parents.  The layout does’t work for them?  Tough cookies.  They won’t be navigating it every day.  You said you have the parent pleasing syndrom: you are getting married and when you marry, your obligation is to your husband now.  I also don’t think parents always know best; I can only imagine where Darling Husband would be had he listened to everything his mom told him to do.

    We bought after the wedding and I cannot imagine doing both at the same time. 

    I can’t say we had NO family involved.  After our offer was accepted and we had the home inspection, Father-In-Law came down and joined the inspection because that is his area of expertise (we could not use him as he is not from here) but Darling Husband wanted his input.

    As far as finances, Darling Husband and I have an “It’s none of your dang business” thing.  I think I may have told my dad a ball park figure of what we paid, but I can’t remember.

    Post # 10
    687 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    We bought our first house 3 months after our engagement – I hadn’t even considered buying a house until he proposed and then it just seemed right!  We looked at MANY foreclosed properties and liked a few of them… my Fiance is handy and so are our dads so many of the problems were fixable for us.  We actually ended up putting offers on a couple different foreclosed homes and the process was long and grueling – we ended up being beat out in both cases and found a lovely little cottage that we fell in love with (not a foreclosure).  My parent’s were very active in the whole process, we’re young (23) and relied on their advice to help ensure we were understanding every aspect of the process. That being said – it was tough to balance my parents’ opinions sometimes b/c my Fiance felt they were a little too involved.  They loved the house we bought (although we probably would have better luck with re-sale if we went the foreclosed route).   It’s a tough choice but as long as you find something you love and you can afford it it’ll be well worth the stress once it’s yours!! πŸ™‚  GOOD LUCK!

    Post # 11
    3587 posts
    Sugar bee

    I think some arent advice is valid. I bought my home and did ask my mom about it. She went through the process with my dad, so she knows how it goes. Now, as far as how many rooms or something like that…no.

    My home is a foreclosure and was purchased by another company, repainted and carpeted and sold to me. The house is only 4yrs old. It’s in good shape, no structural damage,etc. Just depends.

    Post # 12
    2090 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    My Mother-In-Law actually found our condo for us heehee. Our realtor was not listening (like, at all!) to what we wanted, and my Mother-In-Law happened to be in town, so she went scouting and found our wonderful little home!

    Your parents might have a point, depending on what exactly their issues are. Is the amount you are spending really something you can comfortably afford (regardless that it’s less than you were approved for). My husband and I were approved for an amount that would have eaten one of our entire salaries as mortgage. It would have been completely ridiculous to spend anywhere near to that amount, so even though we spent about ½ the amount we were approved for, spending anything more than we did doesn’t really make financial sense.

    After paying your mortgage/insurance/utilities, will you have enough left over to save some $ each month? If you will be made very cash poor with the house, I wouldn’t do it.

    Part of the reason the market has so many foreclosures are all the people who assume(d) that all foreclosures are this amazing deal. If you don’t know a fair amount about homes/home repair/renovations/etc. it could be pretty risky to buy a foreclosure. Sure, it could be a nice place and a great deal – or it could be a destroyed and neglected money pit.

    The home buying process was much, MUCH more stressful to me than wedding planning. If you don’t feel comfortable doing both, don’t, and just focus on one at a time! There are always homes for sale, don’t feel rushed to buy πŸ˜‰

    Post # 13
    459 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2010

    I’m only in the process of looking into buying a home now, but I wouldn’t even show my parents what we were buying until the deal was done!

    I can definitely see asking your parents for advice as a first-time homebuyer, but in my situation I wouldn’t want to bother because I know my parents wouldn’t especially approve of my choices. My parents live in a mcmansion in the suburbs and we are looking to buy a small condo in the city. They can’t wrap their heads around why we don’t want to move out of the city in exchange for more space, and would never recommend buying a condo.

    Post # 14
    5977 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Our parents didn’t have any say in the home we bought. We were already married at that point, but we didn’t even get their opinion on it beforehand. It was our decision to make – they just got to see it afterwards.

    The one thing I have to say is that you should go see a financial advisor to make sure the home is within your budget. Sure, my husband and I were approved for a $600,000 loan, but that’s what got the US in the situation that it’s in now. People were buying houses for what they were approved for, not what they could afford. If we took that, every dollar of our salary would be going toward our mortgage. We wouldn’t have any money to pay our regular bills like the electricity or garbage, or *gasp* the taxes. We saw a financial advisor before hand to make sure we were comfortable with what we were spending and what we could afford.

    Post # 15
    40 posts
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I’d take the non-forclosure house that you and your fiance love, rather than a foreclosure that comes as-is and takes forever to acutally close on. 


    I’ll leave you with one piece of advise that my realtor friends (not even in my buying area, but states away) gave me- with interest rates as low as they are, buy as much house as you can afford.  Don’t stretch your budget, and if you feel that you can afford the mortgage payment for the loan that you were preapproved for, then go to the top, if not, it’s nice that you were approved for more, but buy what you can reasonably afford.



    Post # 16
    5271 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2009

    I think its fine for your parents to give their opinion, but it is your money, and you and your Fiance are the ones living there.

    I think parents can give helpful advice about the process, offer insight to potential problems after an inspection; things like that.

    Also, I would absolutely never discuss our specific finances with my parents. That information is between you and your husband only, IMO.

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