First Time In A LDR And Struggling- Advice Needed

posted 3 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

Hey! I was in a LDR for the first 6 months of our relationship. I can’t speak to whether or not the sadness ever goes away as I was in the situation for much shorter than you will be, but I can tell you it all ended up working out and we’re now engaged. We also sent each other mail, like I bought him a webcam for skyping and we sent letters back and forth.

We did a LOT of skyping to keep things interesting! We watched basically all the seasons of Prison Break on Netflix together through skype, and we had dates like watching our school’s football games together and watching movies through skype. We took turns visiting each other, though I usually came up more often because I worked rotating shifts while he worked M-F. His best man in our wedding dated his now wife all throughout college!!

It takes work and a lot of trust, but making a LDR work isn’t impossible ๐Ÿ™‚ Try to take this time to work on hobbies, doing well in school, and building friendships with people around you!

Post # 3
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

My husband lives in another country. It takes me 22 hours and 3 plane rides to get to him – so we see each other every 4-6 months. We are working on closing the distance but the visa process takes FOREVER. 

6 hour drive is long, but not un-doable. It means occasional weekend visits, meeting in the middle sometimes, and compromising that maybe you see each other once or twice a month – but it is do-able. 

If the relationship is worth it now, it will be worth it after a year or two as well. You can video chat, watch shows together, get to know each other more, and miss each other more. No one has died from loneliness with their partner a 6 hour drive away. 

It’s hard sometimes because others around you (friends, co-workers, family) don’t understand it – you definitely are not single, but you don’t get to be with your significant other like they do. Sometimes I feel like I’m not single but not married. 

Still, you picked this person for a reason – so it just is what it is right now. School is important, and you have a whole life to be together. 

Post # 4
Member
1386 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

My DH & I were long distance for 6 years after dating for 2. Once I went a whole year & a half without seeing him, but most of the time he would take leave for a month & come home. He could only do that once a year, so I would see him every 9-10 months normally. He was 22 hours away by car. It was super hard, not going to lie, and I wouldn’t have done for anyone else. You just gotta keep yourself busy, go out with friends, pick up a new hobby, etc. 6 hours isn’t really that long TBH-it will be hard but it’s not like you will go lots of time without seeing each other. I’d drive that for even a weekend if it meant seeing my DH when we were LD. You should finish school, I know it’s tempting to just go be with him now but school is important.

Most of the time I didn’t wallow in sadness. When he left it was terrible the first few days though because I knew it would be several months before seeing him again. I was highly depressed for a few days after, but it got much easier. You get *kind* of used to it.

Post # 5
Member
5909 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

We weren’t truly long distance but we did spend a good chunk of time apart during our first few years together.  We would be together for about 2-3months at a time and then separate for about a month in between, and in the middle of the year there was always about 4 months apart again.  

The main thing is don’t think about the two years until you can live together, i can’t stress that enough! Long distance, at least for me was only manageable when looked at in small parts.  Look forward to the next time you’re together, make plans for then and focus on ‘in 2 months…’ rather than in 2 years. 

Post # 6
Member
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

My husband and I dated 2.5 years together and then 2 years long distance before getting married. My advice is to take it one step at a time. As long as you have a general plan on how you’ll live in the same place again, don’t focus on the big number (“2 years”) everyday. You will actually sadly get used it, although saying goodbye doesn’t get easier. Try to think of this as an opportunity to invest in your friendships more! As much as long distance sucked, we both reflect on how great if was that we got to be top-notch friends to the people around us

Post # 7
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

DH and I were in a LDR for 4 years. 3 years we were a 4 hour drive apart, and the last year we were across the country from each other. Here’s the advice I always give to couples in LDRs:

1) Make sure you have an end date for the long distance. You do (when you’re done school) so that’s great! Time will fly by. In the mean time, don’t count down to the 2 year mark. Rather, count down to the next time you get to see him. It’ll be a lot easier!

2) Make sure you make time to see each other when possible. Sometimes I would take a bus down to see DH for only a day if that’s all the time I had. Or I would fly across the country for only a weekend. It’s always worth it.

3) Communicate! Skype/FaceTime makes LDRs a lot easier! We would also text and call each other often.

You will get used to it. It will always be sad when you part ways, but it also feels amazing when you see each other. I promise you, two years isn’t so bad if he’s the right guy. After 4 years of long distance we moved in together, were engaged a year after that, and married 2 years after we got engaged. Life is good. The distance was worth it ๐Ÿ™‚ good luck bee xx

Post # 8
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2021

Fiance and I started out LD. For us it’s normal and it’s actually one of the reasons I pursud the relationship as I was scared of “proper relationships” beforehand. Turned out that I fell hard for him and now I curse this distance, haha. 

It does get better, iin the sense that you get used to it. Fiance and I see each other a handful of times a year, and we should be closing the distace next year <3 
As others have said, don’t think of the big number. It’s scary. Take it day by day, and focus on the next tme you’ll see him. Saying goodbye we’ll sadly only get worse, but the staying apart business will get easier as time goes by, you’ll see. 

Best of luck <3 

Post # 9
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2021

Oh and also, make sure you make time for each other. Fiance and I have 5 hours difference so I go to bed a bit later at night so we can hang out, and he wakes up earlier than he normally would on weekends so we can spend time together. 
Don’t sacrifice your daily life for your relationship, nor your relationship for your daily life. Make time for friends, and then date nights on Skype to make up for the time lost. 
Also if you’re both comfortable, spicing up your Skype calls in a more intimate way helps. It prob won’t be as big of a deal for yu since you can see him more often than me, but still a good pointer. 

LDRs are hard but the sort of relationship that comes out of them is awesome; you will build awesome communication skills because that’s what you practically do 24/7. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 10
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

My Fiance and I have done some short stints of LDR (shorter deployments) and then 6 months when he got transferred and I couldn’t leave my job right away. I know 6 months is a lot shorter than what you’re going through, but I thought I’d throw my 2 cents in anyway! It sounds like you have a good foundation to make it work- I would suggest having a routine for yourself and for when you guys talk. It helps to pass the time faster. Ie- he would text me good morning every day, so I always woke up to something from him. We’d text throughout the day (except when he’s been deployed), and we had a standing FaceTime date every day at the same time. Spend time with friends, family and find new hobbies! 6 hours isn’t bad at all, that’s an easy weekend drive. We were 12 hours apart, which made it impossible to make a weekend out of it, but we made it work and I think our relationship is stronger because of it. Good luck! 

Post # 11
Member
338 posts
Helper bee

Our first year was LDR and we were a 14 hour flight apart. Since, we’ve also have a couple short stints (few months at a time) of LDR. Communication is key. Text tons, Skype often, call when you can! Don’t be afraid to be mushy and gooey about your relationship with eachother, that sorta thing feels even more important when you’re far apart. Waking up every morning to a message from him literally meant the world to me…he NEVER forgot and every day it reminded me it was real.

It was very hard, I won’t lie, but it was also worth it. 

Post # 12
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Coffee House

Hey girl! I’m also in a military LDR and it’s rough! We’re about 8 hours away from each other and we only get to see each other about once a month/month and a half. Communication and trust is huge! Phone calls, texts, FaceTime, and care packages is how we’ve been coping with it all. Also just staying busy and focusing on yourself is helpful. I personally believe LDRs are amazing because you really learn how to communicate well and how to trust your SO but you also learn how to be independent

Post # 13
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

I am doing long distance with my fiance while I finish up my last year of grad school. It takes him about 7-8 hours (plane ride and some driving), but we do manage to have weekend trips at least every 3 weeks. It’s hard, but you can do it! Also, don’t listen to anyone who says 2 years will fly by, haha. There will be periods where time seems to move at a glacial pace, not gonna lie! ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Also, every time we have to say goodbye it’s hard. I cry. It’s okay. I’m usually fine within an hour or two, getting back to my everyday routine. And after every goodbye comes a hello! So there’s that to look forward to. 

Here’s what helped me:

-Plan at least a couple of trips in advance. That way when one visit ends, you know when you’ll see each other again. 

-Keep a countdown app on your phone with future visits, although put it a couple of screens away so that you can’t look at it all the time. Sometimes I notice that I got so busy enjoying life that I haven’t looked at it in days! 

-As others said, routines can be good. Both for when you talk (morning? night? after work/school?) and also for yourself. Find hobbies, spend time with friends, put a lot of energy into school and get AWESOME grades, maybe even get on the Dean’s List! 

-Remember that, yes, it’s 2 years, but it’s 2 years of your LIFE, so live it! 

Post # 14
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I knew my now DH for about a month when we had to go LDR for his work. He worked 3 hours away and worked 10 hour days, 12 days on, 2 days off. There were often times he lost the 2 days off, and just worked a month straight (weekends and all). That made it hard to see him, and as we’d only been together a month, there wasn’t much foundation for the LDR.

Here’s the thing, it was miserable. He said it would be 2 years, and I struggled. There were times when I was driving home from a short visit, where we’d only had a couple nights together, and he had been dead tired from work, that I thought I couldn’t take it anymore. I cried on some of those drives and thought there was no way this could work. DH was so sweet and patient during all of this. I stayed because I loved him, and I would just ask myself, “Would you rather not have to be in an LDR with him and lose him or stick it out and keep him?” My answer to myself was always that I wanted to keep him, more than anything.

He proposed a little before we made a year of LDR. At that point, our relationship changed in my eyes. I asked him to come back, and told him that I didn’t want to be a long distance wife. That meant cutting his LDR timeline in half from 2 years to 1. He had already come to the conclusion that he wanted to end the distance early anyway. He got a new job and moved back home a couple months before our wedding that same year.

We’ve now been happily married for 3 1/2 months.

Whether or not this works is up to the two of you. It will suck. There will be times you want to end the relationship and worry that it isn’t worth it. Those are the times you need to remember why you’re with each other in the first place. Keep close with your friends and family during this time. As long as you have an end date for the long distance, a successful relationship is possible.

You can do this. I wish you the best of luck!

Post # 15
Member
1098 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

We’ve been in a LDR for the last 5.5 years and will be living together this Summer. I’m a homebody and get used to routine, but it’s been harder and harder for him as time went on. So . . . I’m gonna be honest. Sending him nude pictures pretty much kept our relationship going. Emojis only go so far when you’re not actually experiencing life with each other. Because it’s not just about sex, it’s about being unable to have touch, like holding hands and quick kisses goodbye, just being next to each other in an intimate space. So, it sounds raunchy and young, but it really did help us to stay connected. If you feel uncomfortable about being permanent that way in the virtual world, shoot from the neck down with a bland, unrecognizable background.

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