(Closed) First time mommy feeling really disappointed in DH

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Did you have anyone local that could come by and give you a break for a few hours? Yes, there are issues you need to work out with Darling Husband but I think you need to take care of yourself first. You understandably sound very stressed out and need a helping hand. If Darling Husband is working then maybe a parent, sibling, or a friend. Once you take a few minutes to yourself make a list of the things you want to address with Darling Husband. Go out to lunch and got over this list- it is less likely for people to yell or walk away from the conversation if you are in a public restaraunt.

Post # 4
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@roxy821:  Very sound and solid advice.

 

OP – Most of my first time mommy friends seem to have this issue with their OH’s at first. They usually manage to talk it out and the guys usually figure out hopw to be more supportive and understanding and givethe mommy a break. Sorry you are going through this, hugs.

Post # 5
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Sounds like you both need a day or two without DS. Can grandma or a close friend watch him?

I understand you are upset, but you may be going about this the wrong way. Nagging, yelling, being frusterated is not the best way to get someone on board to do things. You also can’t hold it agianst someone when they aren’t used to having a baby around, or dosen’t know exactly what to do. Instead of criticize when he does some thing wrong, praise him for doing it at all. Try to ask him nicely to help out, don’t bombard him as soon as he comes home, if he forgot to do something let it go and ask agian.

Put yourself in his shoes, it sounds like he works long days, hes probably tired too. Coming home to a cring baby, and a wife who nags isn’t going to be an incentive to rush home. I’m not saying what hes doing is right, but you may not be right either.

You two are a team. You should ask him to have lunch or dinner with you without the baby to discuss how things are going. You two need to come up with a new game plan on how to work this all out.

Have you thought of getting a job and putting baby in the care of someone else? Or even paying someone to watch DS while you clean pay the bills ect? Do you have a friend with a small child you can switch off watching each others kids with? That may take your stress load off.

Post # 6
Member
9887 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

First of all (((HUGS)))!!  I’ve been there.  What you’re both going through is very normal.  I agree with PP that first of all you have to take care of yourself.  Being a new mother, not to mention the new mother of a colicky baby, is one of the most stressful things in the world.  And it sounds as though your Darling Husband is feeling overwhelmed as well.  Both of you are probably exhausted and frustrated.  But you said you used to have a close and wonderful relationship.  So, have faith that that love is still there.  You are just going through a major life change right now.  There is nothing wrong with whatever either of you are feeling or doing.  What is wrong is that when you are so exhausted and drained from taking care of an infant all day and all night you probably can’t come across to him as your normal sweet and loving self.  So, like most men, he avoids it, lol.  You need to talk to him in a calm, rational way.  I know, I know, it’s hard!  When you’re under so much pressure talking calmly feels almost impossible.  You need to get some help and also help from him.  Let him know how much you need him.  And this is important – you have to let him know when he is doing things RIGHT. Constantly criticizing and pointing out what he is doing wrong isn’t going to motivate him to change.  Pay attention and praise him when he does something well with your son.  You can turn this around.  All new parents go through this, you aren’t alone or abnormal.  Hang in there!  I wish you all the best.

Post # 7
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I’m sorry 🙁 

Are there any Stay-At-Home Mom groups in the area? Or a Stay-At-Home Mom friend that could maybe give you a break to go shopping, get out of the house, get some YOU time? One of my closest friends had a terribly colicky baby and she would bring him to playgroups in the area and even when he was having a meltdown all the moms in the group would pass him around trying different things with him so my friend never got overwhelmed. 

Our babies are the same age, By The Way – you’re not in Massachusetts are ya? I’d help you out with DS 🙂 

Post # 8
Member
1557 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sounds like Darling Husband needs to have a day with the baby all by himself so he can really appreciate what you do all day. Sometimes its hard to relate until you literally swap places.

For real though you do need a little break, for yourself. Then I would work on the issues with Darling Husband. Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@nickels:  I totally agree.  If it was me I’d go to my parents’ house and sleep all day and let Darling Husband see what it’s like to deal with a screaming baby.

For the other stuff, what if you got put up some white boards with daily, weekly, and ad hoc responsibilities for him? 

Post # 10
Member
6830 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@mrsgg21:  I feel for you!  I really do, I had somewhat simillar issues with my Darling Husband with our son. The first month of munchkin’s life we spent in the NICU unit so we didn’t get a sense of things to come until he was a month old.

I took 3 months off for maternity leave, the 2 months I was home alone with muchkin. I would get pissed at Darling Husband in the evenings he would come home and jump on his computer after oh maybe 30 minutes tops spending with muchkin. While I spent all day with him and wanted a little free time myself. 

We had a serious talk before I went back to work, about how we were going to handle in the middle of the night feedings. (he is formula fed).  A lot of times, I would need to remind my Darling Husband that he helped create our son he can help out on taking care of him. That being a parent doesnt just mean the good times but you have to have the bad times also!

Anyway the key into this is have a conversation not nag, hound or yell in frustration and your Darling Husband.  But a sit down and this is what needs to be done for taking care of your child.

Post # 11
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I understand how you feel! One thing I wasn’t prepared for was the isolation and stress of the postpartum period (which can stretch on for months, btw). I thought it was going to be all baby kisses and fun, but being exhausted, covered in spit up, and barely having a second to shower or have an adult conversation exacerbates any problems you have, especially those involving your partner.

It totally makes sense that you are overwhelmed, stressed, and irritated with your Darling Husband. It doesn’t sound like you guys are on the same page with your parenting style, but i think it’s pretty normal for that to take awhile. It might sound trite, but the most important thing is for you to communicate with him as well as you can. When he does something that upsets you or puts your LO in danger (he very well may not realize this), try to be patient and gentle when you tell him what’s bothering you and what you would like him to do differently next time. One thing I am constantly working on is not assuming that my Darling Husband purposely did something to defy my parenting style or was just being reckless — usually he just doesn’t know. It definitely takes time to get on the same page.

ALso, the hardest part for me was isolation. It’s really hard when you’re home alone all day with a baby. Like others said, look online to find a mommy group in your area – there are tons everywhere – and meet up with other SAHMs at least once a week. Also, if you have working friends, make plans to meet them for an hour lunch and bring the baby – it will give you practice taking the LO out and give you a break from house. Also look into storytimes at your local library, nature centers, and any museums to see if they have discount days. It definitely gets easier as they get cause you can take them more places during the day.

feel better 🙂

Post # 13
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If you ever want to chat just pm me. My 4 month old was colicky in the beginning. I know what it is like to be at home all day with a screaming baby and feel trapped at times. No one wants a screaming ababy around so you can’t go in public. You are lucky to get a shower, eat, go to the bathroom.Your nerves are shot and there are times when all you do is cry along with them.

I breastfeed and DS was only pooping every 4-5 days. We now give him a 4 oz formula bottle every day and he poops every day. No more screaming! The downside is that even though he is no longer screaming he still wants to be held all the time. I still have very little time to myself. I can get about 20 minutes a few times a day. He barely naps so he is awake most of the time.

I had teh same kind of resentment towards Darling Husband. He works 2nd shift and usually works overtime so sometimes he can get home at 2 am then goes to bed at 5 am and sleeps till 12. Leaves at 2:30 so I had the baby all the time. I finally sat him down and said that I needed a little me time every day. Even if he only took the baby for an hour. It stopped a lot of the resentment just having my body back for that little bit of time.

My suggestions would be if it is a formula baby to try different formulas. That can make a HUGE difference! I know a lot of the ladies suggest joining a group, but it isn;t easy to travel with a screaming baby. We recently put like 6 toys on his carrier and he stopped screaming in the car. Try little things at a time.

Post # 15
Member
2981 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m glad things are getting better for you! Reading your story frustrated me at first, but I’m glad you guys are getting on the same page and are able to have some “you” time now! Glad your DS is feeling better too.

Post # 16
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

So glad you’re doing so much better and thanks for the update!

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