FIRST TIME POSTER please help! Conservative girl sad about waiting

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 33
Member
10102 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

waitingbee777 :  I just wanted to say I’m impressed with how you’ve taken everyone’s advice and really heard the intent behind it. You’re obviously a smart young woman and know what you want out of life and that’s fantastic! 

I hope I didn’t come off too harshly!

Post # 36
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

 

waitingbee777 :  You and I are both in very similar boats. I am religious, 25 years old,  and have waited too and its like “darn it, I did everything right, I deserve this! Why are the girls who did everything backwards getting it all?” I’m just behind you at having dated him 2.25 years and he’s still “getting closer, but not there yet…” It is frustrating. The best thing at this point is to have a mental walk date. Give him until 3 years, if there is no advancement- leave. If you can’t decide if you want to marry someone after three years (unless you started dating VERY young or other financial/school circumstances) then you know the answer, you just don’t want to face it. Give him a little more time though. 

Post # 37
Member
17 posts
Newbee

I understand your feelings and must admit to quite a few of them, myself. I got engaged last year, after a year of “jokingly” pushing the topic. To me, it felt like my relationship was less validated in the eyes of everyone if we weren’t engaged after 3 years. Finally, the time came and I knew when he was going to propose. He actually told me the day off that he was going to ask me. Sadly, I had the fairytale mentality, as well, and was so bummed by the lack of what he didn’t do, that we actually postponed it. It was a HUGE blow to our relationship. A few weeks later I ended up asking him if he would ask me again, lol, because I realized that life doesn’t play out like the movies in most cases. If he wanted to propose to me on the toilet, it is just as valid as asking me at, I don’t know, the Grand Canyon or sky diving. I did have a tinge of resentment for a while that I didn’t get my “perfect” engagement, but now I look back and realize how much he did try – in his way – and it’s turned into a more pleasant memory. The most important thing to realize is, whether you get engaged right now or not, is that the relationship you have is what matters the most. It is more important than an engagement, more important than a wedding. The life you two share is what needs to be focused on and if it is meant to be it will be. If it continues to bug you, have a conversation with him and see what his plans are and work out a way to align them with your goals. Best of luck!

Post # 39
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

A dream to be engaged no matter how short the relationship is does not sound healthy at all.

Edit: I see how you’re self reflecting based on comments here, and that’s great!

Post # 40
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

By “conservative” do you mean “conservative Christian”? I’m a (fairly) conservative Christian (in theology, not in politics) and fully commend your decision to wait for marriage. But some of the other things you say sound a little unrealistic. I’d like to make some comments about the “quick wonderful engagement” idea which some Christians talk about, but I won’t bother if you’re not coming at this from a Christian perspective.

Post # 42
Member
4554 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

waitingbee777 :  I see a lot of ‘I want’, ‘I feel’ and ‘I need’ in your post. Relationships are about good communication, compromise and trying to find the ‘we’ in everything. 

You need to sit down and have a good open and honest discussion with your SO. Good luck.

Post # 43
Member
2583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

waitingbee777 :  I just have to say that you have shown the most growth in the shortest time. You seem like a lovely person very much in love with her boyfriend and all you want to do is make him your husband. I think you are on that track and like you said, lower your expectations a bit. 

Glad you came to the Bee, stay a while and continue to add to the community. Plus there are tons of ‘waiting’ Bees here that will commiserate or boost you up when you need a friend! 

Post # 44
Member
6929 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I need to let go of the unrealistic expectations that i am comparing him to because that is what makes me feel sad and that is what i am letting ruin my relationship.

Theodore Roosevelt wrote “comparison is the thief of joy.” Insert expectations are for comparison is–it will serve you well in many situations. Life often does not follow our fantasy, but sometimes the reality is even better. 

There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want your future to look like, setting goals and working toward them. Ideally you and your SO are doing these things together. Perhaps discussing your individual and shared future goals will help you to feel more secure in your relationship, without resorting to proposal pressure. 

Post # 45
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

Do you watch Teen Mom at all? Are you familiar with Farah Abraham? In one of her most memorable scenes she tells her bf “I’m not waiting two years to get engaged to you. That’s for ugly girls, babe.” Of course years later she’s still not engaged and even bought her own 14 carat 64k engagement ring she tried to force him to propose with. But that’s another story. I’m sure things will work out for you! Just have patience. 🙂

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