Post # 31
slomotion : Yes, you are right i need to be overall more realistic and less idealistic. I can see how it can be foolish to rush into marriage, and you are right my idea was too fairytale and it is smarter to have an adult conversation and be adult about this decision. I honestly do admire how he wants to make sure that we will work well together and that he isn’t swept up in fantasy land like i seem to be sometimes.
He is my first real relationship and i know most people think the first guy they like is the one. I did that too, but it was before i met him, so at least I know i’m not doing that here. But you were very astute to point that out so thank you for looking out for me! I will try to slow down, and be more logical. I will try to look at this as setting me up for a great marriage and not me losing out on a crazy romantic fairytale engagment.
You made me see how grateful I am to have someone who thinks things through and has qualities that will make him a great husband. I will probably have a great marriage because i’ll have someone that thought it through and is 100% sure he wants to be with me, and will therefore be a very devoted husband. Thank you for taking the time to help me! I appreciate it!
Post # 32
mrsginger : You are right I like how you pointed out how “we get depressed thinking we aren’t good enough no matter how long he’s been with us showing us that we ARE” that is so true thank you for showing me a new way to look at my relationship.
Thank you for making me realize that he is not realize trying to disrespect me, This whole post has helped me realize that i was being very self centered and selfish. And that my self worth does need to come from within, i need to feel valued on my own, I will try to work on that! The way you said he wants his fairytale too haha thats so cute because I never think about how men have their own fairytales. You are so right i do need to put myself in his shoes more, because his ideas honeslty are very cute and admirable.
He is my first physical everything but i did think i was emotionally in love with someone else before him and it took me about a year to think i could ever “love” someone else lol. I have had that happen to me already though. So I am glad i had that happen before i met him, because you are right, that guy was SOOO wrong for me, it’s actually hilarious.
I agree that this time we are going through is actually good for us because it has definitely made me stronger to not have everything go my way and has taught me about compromise which is what everyone is telling me i need to grasp and what i know I need to master to make my marriage a good one.
I think the relationship thing has a learning curve and i did start a little late, I might seem immature for a 25 year old but i was raised so conservatively that i am just catching up hehe. Thank you for you insight it was wonderful and now i can come on here and reread if i ever feel like i need some friendly advice. Thank You!
Post # 33
waitingbee777 : I just wanted to say I’m impressed with how you’ve taken everyone’s advice and really heard the intent behind it. You’re obviously a smart young woman and know what you want out of life and that’s fantastic!
I hope I didn’t come off too harshly!
Post # 34
hikingbride : Yeah i see what you mean. I do struggle with feeling secure in the relationship. And that does come from not trusting him when he says that he wants to be with me and that we will get married. I was raised to believe that you should not trust someone without marriage and that is what i need to get over. It is not as black and white as i was taught to believe and with each of these comments i am realizing that, i do need to be more grounded, both in my self and my relationship. Thank you for your input, I will try to be calmer because the man is what matters to me above all else. And i don’t want to ruin it with my attitude. Thank You!
Post # 35
skunktastic : Thank you that is great to hear, i am so happy for you. I hope to be the same and I have a feeling I will be. He is more important to me than any of this, because i don’t even care about the ring and wedding, i mean the proposal won’t really be surprising but it will be right and i will be sure, which is a blessing. I was focusing too much on how the proposal would make me feel and if i would resent the wait while married. You made me see that I’ve just wanted to be married this whole time lol, so i am sure the resentment will fade away and I will be happy that i am!!! 🙂
Post # 36
waitingbee777 : You and I are both in very similar boats. I am religious, 25 years old, and have waited too and its like “darn it, I did everything right, I deserve this! Why are the girls who did everything backwards getting it all?” I’m just behind you at having dated him 2.25 years and he’s still “getting closer, but not there yet…” It is frustrating. The best thing at this point is to have a mental walk date. Give him until 3 years, if there is no advancement- leave. If you can’t decide if you want to marry someone after three years (unless you started dating VERY young or other financial/school circumstances) then you know the answer, you just don’t want to face it. Give him a little more time though.
Post # 37
I understand your feelings and must admit to quite a few of them, myself. I got engaged last year, after a year of “jokingly” pushing the topic. To me, it felt like my relationship was less validated in the eyes of everyone if we weren’t engaged after 3 years. Finally, the time came and I knew when he was going to propose. He actually told me the day off that he was going to ask me. Sadly, I had the fairytale mentality, as well, and was so bummed by the lack of what he didn’t do, that we actually postponed it. It was a HUGE blow to our relationship. A few weeks later I ended up asking him if he would ask me again, lol, because I realized that life doesn’t play out like the movies in most cases. If he wanted to propose to me on the toilet, it is just as valid as asking me at, I don’t know, the Grand Canyon or sky diving. I did have a tinge of resentment for a while that I didn’t get my “perfect” engagement, but now I look back and realize how much he did try – in his way – and it’s turned into a more pleasant memory. The most important thing to realize is, whether you get engaged right now or not, is that the relationship you have is what matters the most. It is more important than an engagement, more important than a wedding. The life you two share is what needs to be focused on and if it is meant to be it will be. If it continues to bug you, have a conversation with him and see what his plans are and work out a way to align them with your goals. Best of luck!
Post # 38
scissorgirl : Thank you! Your comment did hit me hard, but it did really make me take a step back and evaluate myself. I knew I might be being immature. Plus I knew even if it was harsh that you had good intentions and were trying to help me see my faults. I appreciate your honesty! And you succeeded in trying to help! Thank you!
Post # 39
A dream to be engaged no matter how short the relationship is does not sound healthy at all.
Edit: I see how you’re self reflecting based on comments here, and that’s great!
Post # 40
By “conservative” do you mean “conservative Christian”? I’m a (fairly) conservative Christian (in theology, not in politics) and fully commend your decision to wait for marriage. But some of the other things you say sound a little unrealistic. I’d like to make some comments about the “quick wonderful engagement” idea which some Christians talk about, but I won’t bother if you’re not coming at this from a Christian perspective.
Post # 41
anatheanalyst : Thank you for telling me that what i’m going through is normal and that I have an amazing relationship. I may be crazy rn lol… but i’m good at taking advice hehe. You are very kind, thank you for the positive spin!
I was freaking out, but this really calmed me down and I honestly think I will be fine until the (fingers crossed) proposal. I am so glad I came on here and posted for the first time, I will take your advice and really relax into my relationship and stop stressing so much. I am so happy for you and I hope your wedding planning goes well, so that you can take time to enjoy being engaged! Thank You!!!
Post # 42
waitingbee777 : I see a lot of ‘I want’, ‘I feel’ and ‘I need’ in your post. Relationships are about good communication, compromise and trying to find the ‘we’ in everything.
You need to sit down and have a good open and honest discussion with your SO. Good luck.
Post # 43
waitingbee777 : I just have to say that you have shown the most growth in the shortest time. You seem like a lovely person very much in love with her boyfriend and all you want to do is make him your husband. I think you are on that track and like you said, lower your expectations a bit.
Glad you came to the Bee, stay a while and continue to add to the community. Plus there are tons of ‘waiting’ Bees here that will commiserate or boost you up when you need a friend!
Post # 44
I need to let go of the unrealistic expectations that i am comparing him to because that is what makes me feel sad and that is what i am letting ruin my relationship.
Theodore Roosevelt wrote “comparison is the thief of joy.” Insert expectations are for comparison is–it will serve you well in many situations. Life often does not follow our fantasy, but sometimes the reality is even better.
There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want your future to look like, setting goals and working toward them. Ideally you and your SO are doing these things together. Perhaps discussing your individual and shared future goals will help you to feel more secure in your relationship, without resorting to proposal pressure.
Post # 45
Do you watch Teen Mom at all? Are you familiar with Farah Abraham? In one of her most memorable scenes she tells her bf “I’m not waiting two years to get engaged to you. That’s for ugly girls, babe.” Of course years later she’s still not engaged and even bought her own 14 carat 64k engagement ring she tried to force him to propose with. But that’s another story. I’m sure things will work out for you! Just have patience. 🙂