FIRST TIME POSTER please help! Conservative girl sad about waiting

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 61
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

waitingbee777 :  I do think you’ve shown maturity and I do see a lot of me in you. Similar backgrounds and attitudes. You communicate well how much you love him. I think time will tell. I recognise that you’ve sacrificed a lot for him and just want to move the future into the present.

Post # 62
8961 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

waitingbee777 :  

I too see lots of growth and advice taking and acceptance etc in your post , but it kind of bothers me that the message you have iternalised is all about more passivity and self deprecation 

 I do just want him to be my husband, thats why I waited my whole life and I just felt like maybe my waiting didn’t mean as much to him as it did to me

This bit  particularly  bothers  me , if by waiting  you mean not having  sex .

Rant I fear  that’s what   you mean by ‘pure’  too , and I wish you didn’t  , purity is about  not having  additives in the coffee or something not the act of making love .No woman is ‘impure’ because she is an  umarried non-virgin, that is the sort of partriarchal   chain we  should long have freed ourselves from.  It was any case originally  borne of mens  desire to be sure they were passing on their property   to their own blood child (read  son)  as are all the rule and restritictions they have forced on women’s sexuality ) Rant Over

Putting aside  the youth aspect and the fact that  he is your first boyfriend  the issue seems to me to be that you at first , were full of romance and  dreams and had a clear idea of what  ‘giving him  your virginity ‘ deserved. This seems now  to have morphed into , “oh yes I see,  I was too precipitate, he is right and I am wrong  and   he should be allowed,  umolested by my ‘nagging   (grrr),  to make me wait as long  as it takes for him  make up his mind .

I don’t know that I’m much happier about your second  mindset than your first, dear OP. You  sound such a  lovely affectionate  giving sort  of a  person , I just wish there was a little more outward lookingness  going and  a bit more of what you want to achieve before marriage and what you expect of him,  not so much he of you etc. I suppose I’m saying a bit less passive femininity  and a bit more active feminism.

Post # 63
1581 posts
Bumble bee

Agree with other bees that you seem to be very reflective and open to looking at how changing some of your expectations and behaviors might be more helpful to you.

On a side note- one thing that sticks out to me is what is called black and white thinking, or all or nothing thinking.  He loves me or he hates me.  He wants to marry me now or he never will.  If I propose the relationship is over. 

One way to have more balanced thinking is to think about what feelings are leading you to have the thoughts you’re having.  Then think about the reasons.  EX. I feel sad that my bf hasn’t proposed because 1. I told him I wanted to be married 2. I’ve waited 2 years etc

AND THEN: you push yourself to come up with options- Maybe he needs time, maybe he will propose when he is ready, maybe he won’t be ready but we can enjoy our relationship now, maybe this is not the relationship for me, maybe we will break up but I can survive that because I have friends and family, maybe I’m tired and need a nap, etc etc.  Remember there are always many options.


Hoping for a happy weekend for you 😀

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