Post # 61
waitingbee777 : I do think you’ve shown maturity and I do see a lot of me in you. Similar backgrounds and attitudes. You communicate well how much you love him. I think time will tell. I recognise that you’ve sacrificed a lot for him and just want to move the future into the present.
Post # 62
I too see lots of growth and advice taking and acceptance etc in your post , but it kind of bothers me that the message you have iternalised is all about more passivity and self deprecation
I do just want him to be my husband, thats why I waited my whole life and I just felt like maybe my waiting didn’t mean as much to him as it did to me
This bit particularly bothers me , if by waiting you mean not having sex .
Rant I fear that’s what you mean by ‘pure’ too , and I wish you didn’t , purity is about not having additives in the coffee or something not the act of making love .No woman is ‘impure’ because she is an umarried non-virgin, that is the sort of partriarchal chain we should long have freed ourselves from. It was any case originally borne of mens desire to be sure they were passing on their property to their own blood child (read son) as are all the rule and restritictions they have forced on women’s sexuality ) Rant Over
Putting aside the youth aspect and the fact that he is your first boyfriend the issue seems to me to be that you at first , were full of romance and dreams and had a clear idea of what ‘giving him your virginity ‘ deserved. This seems now to have morphed into , “oh yes I see, I was too precipitate, he is right and I am wrong and he should be allowed, umolested by my ‘nagging (grrr), to make me wait as long as it takes for him make up his mind .
I don’t know that I’m much happier about your second mindset than your first, dear OP. You sound such a lovely affectionate giving sort of a person , I just wish there was a little more outward lookingness going and a bit more of what you want to achieve before marriage and what you expect of him, not so much he of you etc. I suppose I’m saying a bit less passive femininity and a bit more active feminism.
Post # 63
Agree with other bees that you seem to be very reflective and open to looking at how changing some of your expectations and behaviors might be more helpful to you.
On a side note- one thing that sticks out to me is what is called black and white thinking, or all or nothing thinking. He loves me or he hates me. He wants to marry me now or he never will. If I propose the relationship is over.
One way to have more balanced thinking is to think about what feelings are leading you to have the thoughts you’re having. Then think about the reasons. EX. I feel sad that my bf hasn’t proposed because 1. I told him I wanted to be married 2. I’ve waited 2 years etc
AND THEN: you push yourself to come up with options- Maybe he needs time, maybe he will propose when he is ready, maybe he won’t be ready but we can enjoy our relationship now, maybe this is not the relationship for me, maybe we will break up but I can survive that because I have friends and family, maybe I’m tired and need a nap, etc etc. Remember there are always many options.
Hoping for a happy weekend for you 😀