(Closed) First two months of marriage have been so difficult :( :(

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 31
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

iacopellib:  Than I would take a cue from other bees and talk to him about it. Like ‘this arrangement/adherence to strict gender roles is problematic and I feel disrespected. We should figure out how to divide chores based on our situation. I didn’t appreciate that tone/language you took with me. I love you, but we need to work on becoming a cohesive partnership, and that might mean you would have to be willing to do your laundry/cook supper when I don’t have the time.’ That sort of thing. Be calm but make sure he understands how important this is to you. Gender roles of the past only ‘worked’ because no one had any choices otherwise. He needs to let go of what he thought marriage was. This is something still ingrained in many people (depending on your community) and it will be an ongoing process, but not something that can’t be fixed. I hope you’re finding good advice here. Hugs <3

Post # 32
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

iacopellib:  I’m sorry but does he want an actual wife or a new mommy? I would understand pulling extra weight around the house if you stayed at home but you don’t, it’s absolute BS that he expects you to work and cook/clean/take care of him. Making his lunch?! Come on! Your post honestly annoyed me so much because he sounds like a controlling arse. you are not him mom and not his maid, you are a partner and that is a 50/50 relationship. 

My husband and I take turns cooking (we also eat out a lot), split cleaning (we spend a couple hours cleaning together one night a week), we each do our own laundry and you better believe the wedding thank you notes were split 50/50 as well. I repeat you are a TEAM and should be treated and respected as an equal. You need to stand up for yourself, assign him equal duties. He’s a big boy and can handle it and if not that’s his problem not yours. Don’t let him bully you into thinking otherwise girL. 

Post # 34
Member
3504 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

That wouldn’t fly with me.  Why are you in charge of packing HIS lunch?  He should be packing his own, or you should be taking turns.  And if he wants his laundry done more often than once a week, he needs to do it.  This is absurd, it’s not 1950.

Post # 36
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee

 

Oh, you don’t do laundry enough? Tell him to do it himself then.

Dinner on the table too late? FUCK OFF.

You both work full time jobs, why does it all fall to you? It’s 2016 for crying out loud.

If he wants a domestic servant type relationship, then he needs to making enough for you to stay home, ONLY IF THATS WHAT YOU WANT TOO.

He’s lucky I’m not you, I would have looked him in the eye and dumped his food on the floor if he ever spoke to me the way he speaks to you.

Post # 37
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

MarmotaLinda:  I 100% agree, I think it should almost be a requirement to live together first! My fiance and I have been living together for almost 2 years now, and we are getting married this October. I have to say when he first moved in, it was a struggle for both of us. I was used to living alone and running my own house, and he was used to living with his mom and having everything done for him. It took a while for us to find out how we fit with each other, who would do certain chores, how we would handle cooking dinners. There were arguments and compromises, so now I feel like when we get married nothing will change, we already act married in a sense. 

iacopellib:  I am SO sorry you’re going through this. I think you need to sit him down and explain that 1) it is absoltuely unacceptable to speak to your wife that way! and 2) maybe it is time ot make a chore chart or compromise, set up a cooking schedule, etc. Once you pass the hurdle of him expecting you to be betty homemaker and speak to you so disrespectfully, it shouldn’t be hard to develop a routine with household items. It just takes time to find the groove. 

Post # 38
Member
2930 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

iacopellib:  I think you two need to sit down and have a big discussion on what kind of expectations you both have otherwise your marriage is going to implode.

I too am in the you-should-live-together-before-marriage camp but since you obviously didn’t, you are now just seeing the real him.  Ideally you should have had this kind of discussion before getting married but seeing that you didn’t, you need to have it ASAP.

My boyfriend and I just moved in together earlier this month.  Before we did, we had multiple discussions on finances and division of duties/chores/cooking…everything.  That way when we moved in we didn’t have any surprises and honestly, so far, things have been very smooth. For example, he knew cooking was not my forte, but he likes to cook so he does the majority of the cooking.  However, there are days I will cook so he doesn’t feel like he has to do it all.

Growing pains are certainly normal but you husband is not being fair expecting you to do everything inside while he does everything outside the house.  

Edit – if you both lived at home, did he have a Stay-At-Home Mom that did everything for him?

Edit 2 – if this is really what he expects you to do (basically be a 1950’s housewife) then tell him you’ll be quiting your job in order to fufill your “wifely” duties. (I’m being sarcastic with the duties comment, but if that’s what he wants from you, there’s no way you can do everything and work full time)

Post # 40
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - San Clemente Church, Italy

topeonyornottopeony:  LOL

Id be like,”Ok Mr. Shitty Draws, you goin’ hungry today”….

Post # 41
Member
570 posts
Busy bee

iacopellib:  It’s perfectly normal to have an adjustment period when you first move in together. But that comment he made was not acceptable!  My jaw dropped when I read it.  If Darling Husband said that to me, he’d be doing ALL of his own laundry and cooking.  When he first moved in we had to have some talks about sharing chores.  I told him I wasn’t his mom or his maid.  He never said anything disrespectful to me though.  I also didn’t verbally attack him either.  I’d sit your Darling Husband down now for some serious discussion about chores and respect.  Best of luck bee. 

Post # 42
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

iacopellib:  you’re his wife not his maid! It should be a partnership. This needs to be nipped in the bud, Couples therapy? His expectations seem to be out of line with yours.

Post # 43
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee

 

iacopellib:  are you two latino? First generation born in the US? 

Post # 45
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Honestly, this sound like there wasn’t enough communication or understanding as to what your individual roles would be in the marriage once you were living together. I live with my Fiance which I will admit is a huge part of the reason why I am marrying him. He is incredibly supportive with the chores in the house and helps me maintain what we clean. He also does his own laundry and cooks for us, because HE’S A GROWN MAN! What was he doing three months ago before you moved in? Who was doing his laundry and how was he feeding himself? I refuse to believe he can’t do some of these things himself especially since you also work a full time job. 

You two need to sit down asap and discuss not only his unreasonable expectations but also his attitude about how the house should be taken care of. What happens if you two have children? What if you were put on bed rest for your pregnancy? Is he gonna divorce you during this time because you are not doing your “wifely duties”? Pardon my french, but this is bull***t on his part and I am pretty sure you know it and the longer you let it happen without standing up for yourself, the worse the situation will get. 

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