(Closed) First year of marriage? Not what I expected.

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Was your first year of marriage hard?

    Yes, most definitely!

    No, it was great!

    Other (mention in comments)

  • Post # 2
    2165 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I think it’s hard to say whether your first year was hard until you’ve had a few years. There were ups and downs in our first year of marriage but we’re coming up on our 4th anniversary and I would say by leaps and bounds, year 2 was the absolute hardest. Marriage is almost like having a baby, the first year is great overall but so many things to learn, the second year is when you start to have some curveballs and you have to figure out how to navigate them. I just take each day as it comes and stopped focusing on if we had “a good year” or not, otherwise it would make me feel like a failure. 

    Post # 4
    5077 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: December 2014

    Our first year of marriage was tough, but not because of our relationship, we just had a lot of other stressful stuff going on in our lives that year. Relationship-wise it was great. We’re a few months off from our 3rd anniversary and I can’t really say that the relationship itself has been all that difficult yet. I can see why the old wisdom is that the first year is the hardest though, given that people didn’t live together or have sex before marriage, so the first year included figuring those things out. Nowadays, I don’t necessarily see that being the case across the general population. 

    Post # 5
    1560 posts
    Bumble bee

    This probably depends on your life prior to marriage. My friends usually already been living with their husbands prior to the proposal and they said marriage feels about the same, just more secure. 

    Post # 7
    2165 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    View original reply
    bee123456789 :  I think historically you could say the first year was rough because the times were different so that notion usually comes from older generations of people who didn’t date as long before getting engaged, didn’t live together before marriage or with anybody other than family for that matter, so they’re moving in and being in a romantic relationship with someone now 24/7, that would be a shock. Definitely think it’s an old school mentality that doesn’t carry over in today’s day and age.

    Post # 8
    10274 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    Our first year of marriage was awesome. We moved to a new state where we don’t know anybody, he started a very stressful PhD program, I was unemployed the whole year (took a lot longer than I thought it would to find a job in our new town) and even with all of that which could have made things really stressful being married just made all of that easier rather than making our marriage harder.

    We also had been together for 8 years when we got married and lived together for 7 months before getting married so we weren’t having to adjust to living together. Even moving in together was super easy when you’ve been dating for so long beforehand!

    Post # 9
    197 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    View original reply
    bee123456789 :  I think it was hard for us because we were older (38 and 41) and had each been living alone for 15+ years.  I don’t think it would have been nearly as difficult moving out from parents or roommates because you’re still living with other people.

    Merging 2 households into one VERY small condo and learning to deal with how the other person lives, especially in a small space, was way harder than I anticipated.

    Post # 10
    1667 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016

    I fully expected our first year to be difficult. While we were living together before we got married, it was at my parents (and we hadn’t been dating very long before getting engaged), so we were going to be moving out, I was training for my black belt (a highly stressful, time-consuming 6 month commitment) and we adopted a 12 week old puppy to boot. But it…was fine? To be honest, almost all of the stressful times came because of my training, not anything to do with us or the “pains” of being married. We’re coming up on our second year now and I’d say things are even better now that I’ve quit martial arts. We adopted a second puppy and are moving into a bigger house, and we’ve not had any sorts of huge roadbumps or struggles.

    A lot of folks said it would be tricky adjusting to living with each other too, but even when we lived at my parents’ house everything just sort of fell into place really naturally. 

    Post # 11
    2026 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    Our first anniversary is next month. We’ve had a great first year of marriage! We lived together 2 years before the wedding, so in many ways, not much changed. Our relationship gets stronger every day. We bought our first house (we close on Friday), so that’s been big, but other than that, just a normal, happy year!

    Post # 12
    7986 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    In the past, fewer couples lived together before marriage, and it can sometimes be an adjustment getting used to living with someone. That may be part of the reason so many people claim the first year is so hard. But DH and I didn’t have any major issues the first year – or anytime thereafter, for that matter – so it depends on the couple, too.

    As one of the PPs said, it may be more difficult when you’re a little older and used to living alone, too. People tend to become less flexible as they get older, and they may be interested in compromising less. Still, overall, I don’t think the first year is nearly as difficult as many people say provided you’re in a healthy relationship.

    Post # 13
    11535 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I didn’t marry until later in life, after I had lived alone for more than 20 years and owned my own home. And I married someone whom I only knew after having a long-distance relationship and only saw a couple of times a month from the time we first met until we were married about about a year and a half later. My DH also has multiple children, two of whom were young tweens/teens at the time of our marriage. Annnnd, I had to spend about half of each week living and working in another state until I could sell my house and relocate full time to be with my new family. So, my first year of marriage was full on survival mode, lol.

    I will add that the next several years — after I had relocated and had to leave my home, friends, church family, 25-year career, and just about everything that was familiar to me to be with my DH, who, by the way, had precious little time to spend me with after I arrived — were even more difficult. In fact, I often say that marriage has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

    However, I don’t regret it. I have been forced to learn and to grow in so many ways that I never would have been forced to grow and learn if I had not married my DH. It’s definitely been a transforming process. And I now have a wonderful family that I never would have had if I hadn’t married my DH and worked through those challenging times.

    I’m glad that your experience has been so positive. I wish you and your DH many happy years together!

    Post # 14
    1386 posts
    Bumble bee

    Easy peasy. We’ve been married for 4 years, living together for 5, and we haven’t gone through any rough patches yet. I am expecting things will change once we have kids but I think we’ll be okay. 

    Post # 15
    4104 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    We didn’t live together  before marriage so we were really excited to finally be living together. Our first year was pretty great. I’m sure there were arguments but nothing major. Our second year was actually pretty rough at times. My husband started a new job that required a lot of travelling for extended periods. It took a while to set expectations for communication and what not. We are now nearing year 3 in November, and things are a lot more calm. We will soon be selling our house and building a new one though, so I expect more bumpy times ahead. Communication is key. 

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