(Closed) First year of marriage? Not what I expected.

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Was your first year of marriage hard?

    Yes, most definitely!

    No, it was great!

    Other (mention in comments)

  • Post # 16
    5866 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I found that it wasn’t dramatically different than our lives before. I sort of think of us having two different first year of marriage – our actual first year (2 years actually) were long distance which is obviously a bummer and was difficult, but we eee used to it.

    Then we had our first year actually  living together which was like s more tradition first year of marriage. And it was great! It was just like our relationship had been before, just that now we got to see one another each day. 

    Post # 17
    2290 posts
    Buzzing bee

    We’re still in our first year and our marriage is great, but there have been added stressors. DH has a child from a previous marriage, and so things just… heightenend? That’s the best way to phrase it, when we made it official. All of a sudden. a not-so-high-conflict ex took a much more interested approach into our lives, which has added some stress.  Not to mention, as my stepkid has aged, so has involvement in school, and sports and extra cirricular stuff so there’s a lot more contact with the ex and schedules changing and just a different landscape than when we were dating and engaged.

    We also now have huge decisions to make together financially, whereas before it was more my stuff/ his stuff… we’ve since purchased homes and cars and refinanced things and it is all co-mingled. So, we’re definitely more on the hook as a couple than we were when we were dating.

    Post # 18
    201 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    Our first year of marriage was great. We had been together and living together for 7 years when we got married so things didn’t change much. I would say this has been our craziest year (year 3). That’s because we now have a 9 month old baby. A big but awesome change.  It’s definitely brought us closer together. I feel like every year our bond grows stronger. Maybe that will be different 10 more years down the road. We’ve been through a lot together and we’ve never fought our whole 10 year relationship. Just not our personalities. 

    Post # 20
    7354 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

    I’d heard that the first year of marriage can be really hard. I’d also witnessed it for others so I wasn’t sure what to expect. It was actually really sweet and easy. The most challenging thing was adding a puppy to our family- THAT was a struggle for a few weeks. I think anything where you substantially increase the workload (and then have to renegotiate agreements around who does what) can be hard.

    But it helps that we already had a well established relationship and dynamics so things rebalanced pretty quickly.

    We’re talking about having another baby in the next year and I already know not to believe anything either of us says during that first year after the baby comes!

    Post # 21
    1037 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    View original reply
    bee123456789 :  Congrats! First year was easy peasy for us! Life was so fun and full of adventure and just all around awesome. The first year of having a baby was a bit more challenging (but still the greatest year of my life) and the next year (this year) being pregnant and chasing a toddler has been hard. But luckily DH is very understanding! We will celebrate 6 years in a couple weeks!

    Post # 22
    9639 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    we are coming up on our 4th wedding anniversary next month.  and we lived together a little more that a year prior to marriage.

    the first living together was probably the hardest adjustment.  i had bought the house a few months before he moved in with me, so it was harder for him to transition from him being a guest a me waiting on him to this is our house and we both have responsbilities towards keeping it clean, up keep, etc.

    i would not have call the first year of marriage hard, except for the fact that we started TTC right away and nothing happened.  it ended up taking us 2 years and IVF to conceive.  but our marriage itself was super strong and happy and still is.

    Post # 23
    3172 posts
    Sugar bee

    Our first year living together was hard because we had two different ways of doing things, and two different standards. We’ve lived together for five years now, and things have gotten easier. I’m still not ok with how messy the office is, so I don’t go in there. I think it’s trapped for me to trip on something anyway. It’s probably easy for you because you two might be more similar in housework and standards than we are. 

    Post # 24
    1154 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    Our first year of marriage has been a little bit tougher than I expected. We’re just hit 6 months. However, we have had a ton of external stressors. We moved in together, got engaged, married and bought a new house all within 1 year. Now that we’re in the new house, there’s been a lot of adjustment. We have improvements we need to make, so the money part is stressful for both of us, even though we’re on the same page about it. We’re also TTC, which adds pressure. And now that we’re in a new town, we’re figuring out what our lifestyle looks like (how much going out, how many boys nights per month, etc). 

    I’m hopeful that we can get the house improvements complete and settle in during our 2nd year of marriage. Things have felt so unsettled.

    I have been doing a lot of reflecting because so much has been in transition over the last year and I’ve found myself much more emotional than normal. I think, while marriage feels more secure, there’s a level of insecurity because it is my second marriage. I know what divorce feels like and it’s awful. I can feel myself putting a lot of pressure on myself to make sure we maintain a healthy relationship so that it doesn’t end the way my first marriage did. I’m not sure I’m articulating that well, it’s not as though our relationship isn’t a good relationship. Hopefully this part makes sense.

    Post # 25
    5046 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 2016

    View original reply
    bee123456789 :  I think that it’s definitely harder when people are moving in together for the first time (especially those who move straight from their parents to their spouse’s).  My sister did that and had a rough first year.  DH and I got married after 9 years together and 2 years living together, so it was a pretty seamless (but exciting and happy!) transition for us.  We’ve only been married for 11 months, so I guess we could have a bad month and my answer would change, but it’s been a happy year!

    Post # 26
    7422 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    After 4 months of marriage, we basically feel like old pros :). So far it has been a breeze! Lol. I do often wonder how things will pan out in the months and years to come. I am constantly kind of aware of how “easy” we have it right now. We don’t have kids (just agreed to start TTC, which is fun and exciting rather than stressful/depressing), we’re in good health, no employment issues…basically everything is going suspiciously well at the moment…nothing to really test us yet. It is for sure a kind of honeymoon phase (though we did live together before the wedding).

    My husband has a great job, but his career is by its very nature highly unpredictable, so I try not to let myself take this current stability for granted. We also had some health scares/injuries in our family recently, which has made me more aware of how everything can be taken away from you in a a second. Sorry, this is getting morbid lol. I guess I am always tryign to find a balance between being grateful for what I have and aware of how lucky I am today, without going into a panic about all the “what ifs” of the future.

    Post # 27
    628 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    Our first year was easy and glorious! Of course there was some adjustment, all kinds of little things but we got used to each other’s tastes, spending habits and extended families eventually. The first year of parenting, now… ouch. That one hit us both like a ton of bricks. We were looking forward to it so much, but there’s stuff about it you just can’t see coming until it happens.

    Post # 28
    38 posts
    • Wedding: Scarborough, ME

    Our first year was wonderful, but it was also hard most of all because it was such a time of extreme adjustment for the two of us.  We did not live together before we got married, which means for the most part we previously only saw each other on our better sides.  Once married, we lived each others ups and downs, successes and stresses.  In a way it is better sharing all of those with someone you love, but on the other hand you are worrying about someone else as well as yourself.  Also, there turns out to be nothing private any more.  Don’t get me wrong that first year was wonderful and we both became stronger because we were committed to make things work.  In looking back I would not have wanted it any other way.

    Post # 29
    191 posts
    Blushing bee

    I have no idea why people say the first year of marriage is the hardest. I’m guessing it’s for people who don’t live together first? I really don’t know – I can only speak for myself. We lived together first. for over a year, so we knew that we could live together happily. So getting married was no different!


    I’d say the first year of being in the relationship was the hardest! For us anyway…We fought more, we fought all the time, because we are so different and were just trying to figure each other out. Figuring out what buttons shouldn’t be pushed, learning how to communicate, things like that. Every relationship is different so this one was one we needed to get used to. My last relationship, the guy apologized easily and we really didn’t fight much. This relationship, my husband doesn’t apologize easily and we just argue, i dont know, differently. Once we worked out the kinks, we enjoyed our relationship more! It was the hardest work the first year of being together by far. We’ve been together for 7 years, married and now expecting our first child. I would still say that the first year of the relationship was the hardest. But hey, who knows, the first year after the little one is born may change the game for us! I’ll let you know next year lol.

    Post # 30
    1133 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Yes, the worst year of my life so far in fact (though this year is shaping up to be that too…).  From emotional cheating (him, not me), to dealing with extreme depression and anxiety, to getting let go from my job, to loosing my best friend of 15 years..marriage in general is not what I expected or hoped for though. 

    If I could go back, I wouldn’t have gotten married to be honest. I never wanted to get married when I was younger, and I should have stuck with my gut.

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